Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

So here is where I test whether writing a blog is theraputic. At any rate, I am guessing this blog is cheaper than a shrink.

My appt with my GYN (Dr D) this morning was only supposed to be a short visit, I thought, to talk about birth control options now that I can no longer take birth control pills (because my form of breast cancer is estrogen driven/ sensitive). I started getting nervous after about 45 minutes because I was going to drive down to Carbondale as soon as the appt was over to see Dr M (fab professor!) so we could talk about disssertation writing and all that fun stuff. Finally, about an hour late, Dr D comes into the exam room apologizing for running late. I think because she was running late (and I think she picked up on the fact that I was now running late) we jumped into the conversation pretty quickly.

At first we did, indeed, talk about birth control options. But then she remarked that Dr L (the oncologist) had probably already talked to me about taking out my ovaries -- which was true. I guess I thought that this was something that would happen further down the road -- like maybe in a year or two. But Dr D said she thought this was something that we needed to talk about NOW because even though the chemo will take care of the systematic approach to what is in my body right now, we don't want excess hormones running around. She also said something about Tamoxofin (the hormone therapy drug I will be taking for 5 years post-chemo) having some sort of an effect on cervical cancer. She had me watch a film about all this stuff and then we talked about my particular case a little more .... But in a nutshell -- she highly encourages me to get a Laparoscopic Hysterectomy as soon as chemo is over. As in December 20 -- in fact, I am already booked now for the surgery (and I will have to stay in the hospital which does not make me happy!).

So that's is why I am pissed and stunned right now. The possibility of having children is now over. Nada. Not going to happen. Ever. And this makes me sad. It's not that Jim and I were exactly planning on having children but the thought that I will never hold an infant in my arms after giving birth makes me feel bad. And I won't even be able to experience a normal menapause -- instead, I will have one of those overnight surgical-induced ones so not only is cancer taking away my quality of life for the next few months, a chunk out of my right breast, and possibiliy my hair. But now chalk up my uterus. ovaries, and a normal menapause as well.