I Heart Boston

Like so many other people in this world, I am stunned by what happened at the Boston Marathon yesterday.  If you know me, you know that Boston is one of my dreams -- this is a race that I would love to complete one day but because entry to the race depends on a qualifying time, I just haven't made it yet.  But I hope to someday.  Boston is the Big Daddy of all American marathons -- this is the oldest and the most prestigious   It's something -- at least in my opinion -- to say that you have run the Boston Marathon.

Though a majority of the runners had completed Boston before the bombs exploded (about 17,000), there were still roughly 5,000 people out there on the course.  It's hard not to put yourself in a situation like this and I know that if I had been running Boston, I would have been in this last group (the time on the final counter shows about 4:09, just about my fastest marathon time when I have been training hard).  I can't imagine the anguish of being out there on the course and being told that bombs had gone off and not being able to connect with loved ones waiting at the finish line.  I have to imagine that most of the spectators injured and killed were waiting for folks in this last group, supporting them as they came one-by-one across the much anticipated finish line after 26.2 miles.  When I ran the Rotterdam Marathon back in 2008, I was stopped at about mile 18 by military police who said the race had been halted/ cancelled due to overwhelming groups of people passing out because of the heat. Though there was a minute of confusion because of a language barrier (and shock at the rifles that the police had been carrying), I never for one minute didn't think that Jim was waiting for me at the finish line.  As much as this sounds like a cliche, my heart just breaks for those runners (especially) who were still out on the course.  The confusion must have been unbearable.  And the pain of finding out that your loved one was injured or killed .... I just can't go there.

I stumbled on some pictures that were pretty graphic earlier today as I roamed the internet trying to make sense of what happened yesterday (Who was behind this?  Why would someone do something like this?).  Unfortunately, I saw some photos that made it very clear that what happened when those bombs exploded was more terrible than words can ever express.  Besides the grief stricken looks of the folks trying to make sense of what happened, I also saw people with missing limbs and that look on a face that tells you that the person is dead.  I have a hard time trying to wrap my head around something like that.

I will continue to dream about racing in Boston much like I will continue to pursue other dreams in my life -- relaxing in Europe with my husband and a bottle of good wine, doing a Half Iron Man, being the best teacher possible, being more comfortable with my body.  But I recognize that there are bad people out there who interrupt people's dreams.  We can't let them win.  We just can't.  So keep dreaming.

Sunday Afternoon!

I think almost anyone who teaches would say that the last 5-6 weeks of class are the most difficult.  A lot of our students are starting to get that "Spring Itch" and it probably doesn't help that the weather has turned more pleasant and being outside sounds like much more fun than being inside. I "get" this feeling because I am sort of guilty of feeling the same way!  After being cooped up inside all winter (and, boy, did we get a crazy, snowy one this year) the attractions of being outside and feeling lazy are just too tempting.

I know that I need to blog more.  Blogging (or just plain ol' writing) helps me loosen up a bit before I take on "bigger" projects like ... dissertation revising.  So here is my promise to myself -- I will blog more and, as a result, finish those pesky revisions!  To kick start this new week off, here are some issues that I am thinking through right now:

• Most importantly, I need to finish the revision of chapter three (methodology).  I have a lot of what I need in this chapter done but I need to reorganize the whole sucker.
• I will be getting a whole boat load of student essays this week -- I need to make sure to evaluate them carefully and get them back to the students by the end of the week.
• Submit my presentation proposal to the TYCA Mid-West Conference in October.  I basically have it done but I need to get it formatted and emailed.
• Work on a 4C's proposal ... I think.  I would like to submit something having to do with my dissertation study but I am not 100% sure that I want to.  I have had such great luck with 4C's proposals (every single time I have submitted I have gotten in!) that I am not sure that I want to jinx myself with a proposal that may be hastily put together.  To do it well might take more brain cells that I possess at the moment!
• Clean my home office (trust me, it is a mess!)
• Update the reading list on this blog, as well as the race results page.  (Done!)

Before I started this list, it sure seemed like I had a lot more on my plate.  Of course, this list doesn't account for the usual triathlon race and training schedule and my weekly volunteer work at Hope Clinic.  And then there is keeping the house in decent shape and planning semi-healthy meals.  Oh, and coming up with interesting "lesson plans" and all that fun stuff.

OK, maybe I do have a lot to do!  But one thing at a time!  Today?  I have an indoor triathlon in a few hours (why do I always get so nervous even though this is just practice with my pals?) and I need to start tackling chapter three.  I am ready for classes tomorrow (included a whole pile of papers that I managed to finish evaluating Friday afternoon and yesterday morning).  I will check in tomorrow and report on what I managed to complete on Sunday!  :D

Does What Happens in Vegas Stay in Vegas?

So Spring Break it over.  As in done, finished, in the past, el finisho.  But the good news?  We have half a semester until summer break!  So bring it!

As some folks know, I spent most of the break at the 4C's conference in Las Vegas.  For those outside my field, 4C's is the rhetoric/ composition nerdfest of all nerdfests (4C's = Conference on College Composition and Communication).  In other words, if you are in the world of college English teaching, then this is the conference for you!  Last year, I saw little of the conference since I was on the Local Committee and was too busy directing folks from the Visitor Information Desk.  But not this year!  I got to experience the entire conference and soak in all the intellectualism around me!

And I needed this conference.  Right now I am teaching in one of the most difficult academic years ever for me.  I am teaching a 7/7 course load while trying to get my dissertation ready to defend.  For someone who has often felt like she has nothing original to contribute to the world, I have discovered that this has been more of a psychological test than anything.  So it was great to meet up with some of the great people I met at the Dartmouth Seminar last year as they were there when I "birthed" the coding categories that have become such a crucial aspect of my research.  I suppose this must be like reconnecting with a delivery nurse a year after you have had a child.  The "baby" is growing and becoming an important part of who you are!  I feel more invigorated right now about my dissertation in general and, believe me, that is something I needed as I go into the home stretch.  I was hoping to graduate in May but after consulting with my dissertation director, it is now going to be December.  I am a little bummed by that but you know, things happen.  This also takes a little bit of the pressure off of me (though I plan to have the revisions done before the start of the summer).

I hope to blog a little about some of the new ideas I encountered while at the conference but .... that will have to wait a few more days as I try and soak in getting back a regular schedule.

But here is a little:  I participated in the RNF this time (the Research Network Forum) and got some fabulous responses in terms of continuing my research on using themes in FYC (First Year Composition).  In addition, I met with an editor from Hampton Press and he expressed interest about me (Yes! Me!) creating an edited collection on this issue, something I had never considered before.  Certainly, this is a fabulous idea, especially as I think about getting myself back out on the job market in the next 5 years or so.  So I left the conference with lots of new energy and ideas for doing "something" with my research.

I also, of course, needed a break from SWIC.  Though I went to a bunch of great sessions (including several on themed courses in FYC), I also did some shopping (not so academic, eh?).  And if there is something I learned about Vegas it is that there are a lot of shopping opportunities (though most of them were out of my price range!).  So I spent an entire afternoon just wandering around the Strip in Vegas, checking out the stores and casinos while people watching.  I am super glad that I was able to hook up with my parents (who drove up from their home in Phoenix), my fabulous dissertation director at SIUC, and friends from all over the US and Canada (and for some of these folks, this conference gives us the only yearly opportunity to connect in person!).

I usually try to take a week off after a major running event and so now that it's been a week since the slightly traumatic Quivering Quads race last week, I am about to jump 100% back into my regular week.  Hold on tight!

Quivering Quads Trail Half Marathon

Yesterday was the Quivering Quads Trail Half Marathon, one of the annual races that I like to do each year (I've done it about 3 times before).  What is cool about this particular race is that you complete 13.1 miles through Cuivre River State Park (in Troy, MO) so a lot of up and down through the woods!  Every year there is usually some amount of mud -- last year there was a little, for example, but the year before that was muddier.  And yesterday?  I can't even begin to describe how much mud there was!

The day didn't start well but only because the time change happened Sunday morning and I was going to have to get up super early already.  But ... I was out of the house by 6:30 AM and made the 75 minute trek to the park.  On the way, I noticed that it was raining and for some reason I hadn't thought about wearing my rain running jacket.  But that was okay, I thought.  Surely it wouldn't rain all day and I was wearing my "St Louis Triathlon Club" shirt and I was hoping to meet some other members since I am new to the club.  Looking back, I don't think wearing a rain coat would have mattered.  Wet is wet.  (and for the record, it rained the entire day!)

The race started at 9 AM but there were waves of 25 people every three minutes so we couldn't congest the paths in the park.  I was in the last wave -- at 9:54.  The whole time people were starting, the rain just coming and coming and coming.  By the time we started, the first stretch of the race was already pretty muddy.  For the first mile of the race, you go down a fire road for half a mile and then come back before entering the more narrow trail head.  By the time I hit that first mile marker, I was pretty muddy.  The frustration for me started once I hit the actual trail.  I discovered quickly that running was near impossible -- the mud was thick and the 400 or so people in front of me had pretty much made conditions worse.  For the first three miles or so, I followed a group of about 5 people and we did a little bit of running and a lot of sloshing in water and mud.  At some point, I found myself alone with one of the group -- Prathiba -- who became a new friend yesterday!  We made it to about mile 7, hit an aid station on the road, and remarked to ourselves that it was nice to be doing the trail with someone else as -- at this point -- we were now completely by ourselves.  Now I have to say that by mile 7, I was already feeling exhausted.  The trail itself was like a tiny creek that we were running through.  My feet were beyond wet and starting to feel super cold.  So when Prathiba and I started talking, I thought this would be a great diversion to how we were feeling.

And it was!  Prathiba and I chatted about everything as we made out way through the mud (both of us falling over every now and then when the mud would make our shoes stick) -- I was having  major problems with my shoe laces so I eventually just tied them in super knots (Jim later had to cut the shoes off my feet).  We continued on the path, maybe making it to mile 9 or so when we hit our first major creek crossing.

I am not sure if "creek" is the right word here.  We tried to figure out the best place to cross this quickly running current -- we had no idea how deep it was but we did see a yellow rope bobbing up from under the water every couple of seconds.  I went first and discovered right away that the current was strong.  I mean super strong (as in it was hard to stay standing).  Prathiba came in right behind me and we slowly made our way across with the water eventually coming to just above our waists.  Let me just say that at this point the current was strong and both of us were desperately holding on the rope.  (and the water was cold!)  As we moved slowly, we both lost our footing but I, luckily, was able to get my feet down on the creek bed almost right away.  At first, Prathiba couldn't.  She hung on and for a moment, her feet and legs went down the river and her face went under the water.  It was the scariest moment of my life.  I didn't know what to do.  I had just found my footing myself and river "fording" isn't something that I have ever really done before.  So I started yelling at her some commands (most of which I have forgotten right now) and she was able (through her own amazing strength) to get over to the muddy bank.  I knew that we were both wet (Prathiba more so because she went all the way under) so I knew we had to get up and keep moving.  There was no one else around and I wasn't sure if either of us would get hypothermia.

So after pulling ourselves off that muddy bank, we kept going, thinking the worse was behind us.  And as we walked, I couldn't get the image of Prathiba going under the water out of head.  What would have happened if we hadn't been able to get her out of the water?  Did I do enough to help her?  And then, as I was mulling over what might have happened, it came:  One more "creek crossing." The big one, in fact, was just ahead of us. Thankfully, there were a few people at this crossing (the fabulous Dave from Fleet Feet and two other racers).  Neither of us wanted to go back in the water (this crossing was even wider than the previous one).  So we were able to find an alternative route a hundred or so yards down that included climbing over logs.  Dave and the male racer were able to pull some ropes connecting the two sides of the river.  I went first and ended up falling off the log and completely underwater.  There was a small moment of panic but I kept my fear under control (not sure how!).  I also have no idea where I got the strength to pull myself out of the water but I did.  After climbing up another muddy bank, Prathiba was able to get across (and she did it far more gracefully than I did without falling in!).  We then left the creek with the other two racers and started the walk up to the roadway.  At this point, I have to be honest.  I didn't think I was going to finish.  I was worried about both of us being 100% wet and the trail was getting worse and worse and worse.  But when we made it to the road -- at 10.1 miles I think -- we decided to forge ahead.  That last three miles required a lot of digging in deep.  I followed Prathiba almost the whole time and we continued some of our conversation from before the creeks.  That helped.  It was nice to forge a new friendship and it kept our minds off the trek we were doing (not a race at this point but more of an endurance test).  We thought the last two miles or so would have no water but it almost became a comedy tour as we hit rising creek after rising creek (though none as high as the two big ones before mile 10).

We had to re-do the fire road half mile down and back before hitting the finish line. Even this road was significantly worse in terms of mud that it had been when we did the first mile five hours earlier.  At this point, there was a group of 5-6 of us walking together and we finished as a mighty force, recognizing that we were the last group across the finish line and being okay with that.  I am proud of the folks I met yesterday and I am proud that I didn't fall into a sobbing mess until I was in my car, leaving the park.  My official time was 5:38:11.  That is a long time to be out in the rain and mud! Though I still feel a bit traumatized by all that happened yesterday, I am glad to have kept a cool head when Prathiba struggled and I am delighted that I have a new friend!  (and the folks volunteering out on the course were super fabulous!)

Losing Zora

In May 1997, I was working adjunct at Grays Harbor College in Aberdeen, WA, while also working part-time at the fabulous public library.  I had been thinking about getting a furry pal for quite some time and so when a co-worker at the library suggested that I take one of the many barn kittens she had off her hands, I decided that was a sign.  So on a foggy afternoon, I drove the thirty or so minutes to South Bend, WA, and found myself surrounded by what seemed like a million kittens! My friend had a huge barn and had managed to pull 5 or 6 kittens out of the wild cats that roamed her farm and she had quarantined them in a bathroom.  As soon as I sat on the floor to introduce myself to these kittens, a wee calico one placed herself on my lap and wouldn't leave.  I wasn't crazy about adopting a calico but there was no discussion.  Zora insisted and so the decision was made.  She never cried once on the way home and settled in as the center of the household.  Those who knew her back then can testify that she was an active, monkey-like cat (so unlike the older, chubbier, lazier cat that she became!).  She would jump straight from the floor onto the top of a door frame (I never saw her do it but found her stuck on door tops when I would come home from work) and I can't tell you how many times Zora would leap into people's arms for the chance at a hug.  She saw herself as a person.  Or maybe the Queen?

Fast forward sixteen years.  Jim and I had already decided that Zora needed to be euthanized next week (she has been going downhill for some time with kidney disease, a hyper thyroid issue, and a suspected brain tumor).  But yesterday -- when I came home from teaching my late afternoon class -- something was different.  Zora has never been listless.  Ever.  Even when she became chubbier.  But yesterday she was.  For weeks (maybe months), she has been bumping into walls and not walking very steady.  This wasn't a huge concern for me because she has been blind for at least half of her life but the more I thought about it, the more it disturbed me.  Even blind, Zora was the one creature in our house who was assertive in terms of where she wanted to go.  Something was wrong and yesterday it just all crashed down on her.  I knew that we had to do something when she peed all over Jim as he tried to comfort her.  This wasn't Zora.

Our vet, the wonderful Dr Louis, made Zora's last moments on this earth this morning comfortable.  And I know it was the best thing to do -- if anything, I didn't want her to suffer anymore (and I shiver to think that she has probably been unhappy and uncomfortable for at least a year).  I would be lying if I said I wasn't sobbing on the way to the vet, the whole time we were there, and afterwards.  But I also recognize that this bad situation was more than just Zora dying.  There was also something about a part of me dying, too.  Zora has been my comrade for 16 years that included a lot of changes: more graduate school, moving across the US to Mississippi, moving north to St Louis, working a FT job that I love, meeting and marrying Jim, moving to a fabulous loft in downtown St Louis, helping me through cancer treatments, and even becoming friends with her dog-sister, Stella.  I know that Zora had a great life -- she came a long way from that barn in South Bend, WA.  But as this bottom picture shows, I know that I am going to lose it when that next package comes in the mail and Zora -- with her intense radar capabilities of detecting an empty box -- will not be there to greet her new resting spot.

Tuesday Night

I just have time for a quick update!  I am about to walk into my night class but I spent the entire afternoon working on the rewriting for Chapter 2.  My major issue (and I am sure that there are tons of minor problems as well!) was that I needed to be clearer (more aggressive) about what it is that I am doing with my research.  As I mentioned previously, it is sort of a psychological "thing" for me to be more assertive about what it is that I am trying to accomplish.  My biggest fear is that I have nothing to bring to the table -- I have somehow complete misunderstood everything that I have ever read.  So I went through the entire chapter, trying my best to connect my thinking with the words on the page (and there was a fair amount of deleting and reshaping).  Now I need to do the same for Chapter 3.  I liked giving myself a self-imposed deadline of today for Chapter 2 so I am now giving myself a self-imposed deadline for Chapter 3 -- next Tuesday (Feb 5).  I will then -- hopefully -- be ready to restructure and rethink the remaining chapters.  So if you see me around -- ask me how Chapter 3 is going!  Pressure me!  If I am going to graduate in May, I need to be fully committed to finishing this project.  And peer pressure can't hurt, eh?!

Now the Real Semester Starts!

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote that blog posting at the beginning of this month about the Blessing Jar (which is still going strong!).  Classes for the Spring 2013 Semester started last Monday and things are already a little busy!  I just got some feedback from Dr. M, the most amazing dissertation director/ coach ever, so things are about to get a little crazy!

I have found that writing always helps me sort through my thinking, so here goes.  Here is why I am already starting to panic:

1.  I am teaching 7 classes this semester -- two are literature courses (and, thus, a little smaller) but the five writing classes (ENG 95, ENG 96 -- two sections, ENG 101, and ENG 102) are packed to the ceiling.  That's a lot of writing to evaluate and get back to students.  Three of those courses are portfolio-based and I pride myself on how well students do with this end-of-the-semester assessment.  I know a few of these students will just fade away but that is still a lot of students!

2.  Now that I am starting with dissertation edits, it is feeling more like "re-writes."  But I had a realization yesterday.  What was feeling "bad" to me when I turned it all in to Dr M at the end of December is exactly what she noted.  So here is an attempt at trying to describe where I am at with this whole project -- I don't do a good job of just coming out and "owning" my thinking, the very thinking that gets at what I am trying to say by establishing my own footprint in knowledge-making.  There is a huge part of me that is like, "What?  How in the world would there be anything that you would have to say that would be worthy and could swim equally with all these other rhet/ comp scholars?"  So I think what I did in much of my writing is hide behind the "skirts" of these other scholars and then sort of peeked around the corner:

Instead of using these writers as tree branches and forging ahead, I just sort of played it safe and hid behind everyone else's ideas.  And I know why I did this (I think).  It's not just the "ordeal" of a dissertation is hard -- it's also that I am scared to death that I will pipe up and say what I want to say and then discover that I missed an important text/ source somewhere that talked about this very idea.  You know what I mean?

But the good news is that I know what I need to do.  I need to wade myself back through those chapters and be more assertive about what I think.  And here is what I think:  We live in a comp world where folks use themed FYC courses all the time, so much so that it's a given and these types of courses need no justification at all.  I mean, even many FYC textbooks are divided up by theme and there are even some FYC texts that are written especially for a themed FYC course.  I used race as the organizing theme in my experiment.  I think it worked and it didn't work (it's complicated).  But my research has led me to think about the bigger picture here.  If we comp folks are not reflective about our practices (i.e. how we organize a course), then we might not be doing what we think we are doing.  And it is this that my future research (post-dissertation) is leading me.  I want to be the writing person who encourages more research about themed courses in general.

3.  I applied for graduation on May 11 and I have -- finally -- taken all my dissertation credit hours by the end of this semester.  I have to finish by then.  Period.  I imagine there will be a lot of late nights the next few months but it will get done.  I have drawn a line in the sand and as long as my dissertation committee will help me reach this goal, then the only person stopping this from happening is me.

That's it.  The key this semester, I imagine, will be organizing and keeping ahead on things.  I have a few things already in the works (like the fabulous Jane Austen Tea Party I am hosting next weekend) but please don't be annoyed at me if I can't do something with you.  I don't think I have ever wanted something so badly in my entire life.  And it is all up to me!  :D   (PS:  I hope Jim survives this, too!)