Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Not a Good Day

I guess the heading above says it all. I am really too tired to type much. But I think I have come to the realization that I need to take a sick day soon. I'm exhausted and I can't seem to catch up on ... well, everything. I think I have only taken one sick day this semester which probably isn't bad for a person going through all this cancer crap (keep in mind I hardly ever take a sick day when everything is normal). It sort of feels like when you are coming down with a cold or the flu and you start to get that "haze" of flu-iness. But I haven't been able to shake it off for weeks. I can still "perform" but everything take so much more energy.

One of my co-workers at school, Mary, was diagnosed with breast cancer (stage 2) a few weeks ago and had her masectomy on Monday. I just got an email from one of her friends saying she won't be back to teaching for the entire school year (not just this semester). Something must have went wrong but I don't know any details yet. I feel like crap because not only is she a friend (someone I have worked with for 10 years) but ... I was sort of jealous of her on Monday because everyone in her department (she's not in the English department) was so concerned and focused on her surgery. I don't mean to come off sounding like a little kid who is pouting but I went through two surgeries this summer and, other than few pals at work, mine went by without notice. I know this confession puts me at risk of sounding like a little baby but I have been busting my butt to come across as healthy and normal and I sort of miss the support that Mary so deservingly, of course, got. Yes, I sound like a three year old. And then to find out that she is sicker than originally thought, well, that just makes me feel angry at myself for acting like a big, old baby. Mary is one of the kindest, sweetest people I know at SWIC, and it's not far that she has to go through this. So now I feel sad and a bit pissed at my own selfishness.

I just finished radiation #5 this afternoon. 28 more to go. I think I will feel better when those numbers are reversed.

3 comments:

  1. Ah...Dianna. It's okay to have a down day (or 2 or 3 or as many as you need) You're going thru something VERY VERY difficult, it's not for babies!!! You can do this...one day at a time. While you're going thru it, I know it seems like you'll never get to the finish line, but in the scheme of things...these six months are a small part of your whole life and will not seem so daunting when it's all over. Trust me...you will feel good, and healthy and NORMAL again. Give yourself a break, rest, complain, cry...whatever it takes to get there...you can do it!

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  2. You don't sound like a baby, Dianna. You sound honest! I've never battled cancer and can only imagine how hard it must be, but I second what your friend Laurie said. Taking time to rest doesn't mean you're giving up; it's crucial to the fight!

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  3. You don't sound like a little child sweetheart. You have been through a lot and chose to make your body work as normal as possible - you have nothing to feel bad about. Your friend Mary, although her cancer appears to be more advanced, probably just wanted to take the rest of the year off for treatment and resting. Nothing wrong there - everybody faces cancer differently and each decides how to recover. You are strong in dealing with your cancer treatment but the way you deal with it might not be the same as the way someone else will deal with it. Everyone is unique and special.

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