A Dilemma

Want a peek inside my head? -- well, one of the issues on my mind right now is the question of applying for a new teaching position.  I am almost sorry that I saw the posting in the first place because now all I can think about is whether I should try applying for the job (or not).  The job is at a nearby university and is a FT, tenured position, just like the type of job that I have right now.

It is not that I am "unhappy" with my present job (I love, love, love the students I work with -- and the fabulous people on my campus who are all so dedicated to helping students succeed) but ... I think I am up for a new challenge (and  maybe the fact that I feel so "not sure" about this opportunity reflects that I am not content where I am).  Like many folks who work on an "outer" campus, I don't get to see colleagues much and this results in not getting many opportunities to help shape and mold our department as a whole.  If you know me, then you surely know that I have tons of energy and I love using that enthusiasm and passion for helping -- sorry if this sounds cheesy -- to make the world a better place.

But then there are the cons, of course, to consider -- you never know if the new place is "worse" than the old place.  What happens if the department over there is filled with folks (faculty and staff) who are not dedicated like the great people here?  What about seniority? (I have been on my campus/ school for almost 14 years)  Could I succeed at another tenure process?  What if the job is harder and I can't handle it?  What happens if I screw up?  Maybe I am not cut out to work at a university and help create and coordinate a program?  Do I have enough knowledge to do this?  What would happen if this new place would "close" and then I am out of a FT job?  What if I regret leaving?

A wise co-worker just told me yesterday that I need to understand that I have two DIFFERENT questions here -- (1) Should I apply for a new position?  (2) Should I take the position if it is offered to me?  This is true -- I am already thinking ahead about something that may potentially not happen (FYI:  My present position was obtained after experiencing one FT interview so I guess I was wondering if that will remain my track record?)  And I am not 100% convinced that this should happen.  So bear with me for a moment while I think about weighing both sides ...

Pros:

• I would not have to move.  This school is just down the road from my present school.
• I would be able to help shape a new Basic Writing Program (so lots of the kind of "stuff" that I don't get right now)
• I would get the chance to possibly teach a graduate seminar in composition studies.
• A new campus situation could equal = an actual office (not a cubicle) or even access to a gym (and it might be quieter as my present office is impacted by the karaoke and other student activities going on in the Commons right next door to me).
• Change is good; it keeps us alive.

Cons:

• I love my present job.
• This new job might include a paycheck with less money
• I "know" my job here and have been doing it for 14 years.
• I have seniority (tenure)
• Jim and I have been thinking about moving far, far away.
• I am a big chicken.

So there you go (and technically, if you are keeping count, that are more cons than pros!) -- I am beginning to think that applying might be a good thing to do regardless.  I haven't been out on the job market for a long time and it might be interesting to see if I get a nibble.  If I commit to applying for the position, I would need to use some time and energy to get my application packet together (and this, of course, is a resource in limited supply!).  These folks are asking for a teaching philosophy statement and this is something I haven't put together in awhile.

So any thoughts?  What would you do?

Some Advice from Alice Hoffman

So I have no idea what is going on recently.  I just can't seem to get myself to write.  I know that I am busy but I am busy every semester -- lots of students, lots of essays, and lots of things that just have to be done.  This semester I am teaching a night class on Monday nights that goes from 7:00 - 9:50 PM and I know that this one class is seriously kicking my butt.  It is not just the late time slot - it is also just a combination of me being tired from teaching and working all day to interacting with folks who have had similar (if not worse) days.  I just can't seem to get the class at the point where the class is both fun and serious.

So I need to remember to write, something that gets lost in the midst of teaching and just living life.  I am also not reading as much as I usually do and that definitely needs to change.  A few weeks ago, I walked across the street to Left Bank Books (the fabulous independent bookstore across the street) and discovered that Alice Hoffman (one of my favorite contemporary writers) had written a new book called Survival Lessons.  Apparently, she had breast cancer about 15 years ago and she just now compiled some of her thoughts on being a "survivor."  Not only was this an "easy read" (at about 83 pages), but each section of the book had one of those little "aha" moments for me.  So perhaps this would be a good "bridge" in getting back to writing!

First, Hoffman starts by establishing this super cool reminder about how bad events are "important" in your life: "There were many times when I forgot about roses and starry nights.  I forgot that our lives are made up of equal parts sorrow and joy, and that it is impossible to have one without the other.  This is what makes us human" (vii).  This is obviously a pretty simple thing to say but I think this helps me better grasp the whole "why me?" mentality when I am feeling down (whether I am bummed about my body and breast cancer or I am bummed about my job).  She ends this chapter with the saying, "There is always a before and an after.  My advice, travel light.  Choose only what you need most to see you through."  Hmmm ... Perhaps this resonated with me because I am probably carrying too much crap in my life (the abstract luggage like "Can I do this?" or "Am I a bad person?")

In a nut shell, there were some many tiny pieces of advice that Hoffman suggested throughout the book to folks who want to "survive" (whether it is post breast cancer or pretty much any other traumatic life event) - here are just a few more that I liked:

"Make time for old friends" (page 20)

I need to do this more!  I have been so blessed to have amazing people in my life.  I know that I love it when I get a surprise card in the mail from an old friend.  I need to work better at being this kind of friend to all the wonderful people in my life.  How in the world did I get so darn lucky?

"When you help others, your own troubles aren't as heavy" (page 45)

I volunteer every week at Hope but I want to do more.  Hoffman is right when she says that we feel better by helping other people.  Even when I am working with a student and that "aha" moment happens, it is a joyous moment for me just as much as it is for the student.  I need to concentrate on the feeling, especially when I am feeling like I am not making a difference.

"Don't worry about wasting [time].  It belongs to you" (page 59)

It does, doesn't it?  I have lived with this Protestant work ethic my entire life that makes me feel guilty for doing nothing.  You know what I mean -- just vegging on the couch and practicing the whole art of doing nothing.  But that is so hard to do!  But I need to get over that.  Sometimes doing nothing is the most productive thing that you can do.

"People say no man on his deathbed ever said he wished he had spent more time at the office.  I disagree ... When your work brings you joy, you cannot get enough of it. .... If you don't feel this way about your current work, take the time to make something beautiful" (page 63)

I am not 100% happy in my job anymore.  I am not sure what it is -- I know that I am yearning for new challenges though I am not sure what those new challenges are or need to be.  Maybe I need to apply for that opening at SIU -- it would mean a HUGE change but maybe change is something I need right now.  But, then again, what if it's a mistake?  What if you are just being tested to determine if where you are at right now is where you should be?

"If you can forgive someone, I highly recommend that you do.  It will be like losing twenty pounds.  Maybe even two hundred and twenty pounds" (page 70).

Forgiving is not easy.  But it is an action that I have control over (especially since I haven't figured out how that whole mind control over other people think works yet!).  So I need to do it often and not carry the burden of feeling hurt and/ or angry.

Hoffman has wise words here.  Simple, but they hit the mark of something that I have been feeling myself and haven't been able to articulate.  So I am going to take stumbling on her new book to be a good thing, even maybe something like a karma-like moment!

Quick Review of the 2013 Millstadt Biathlon

So back in 2011, I did the Millstadt Biathlon (in Millstadt, Illinois, about 30 minutes from downtown St Louis) in pouring down rain but ended up meeting Melissa, who has become a much appreciated triathlon buddy and friend.  Boy, could I have used her today as I returned to this course!

Race Details:  This event starts with a 5 mile run and then goes on to an approximate 22 mile "rolling hills" course (lesson learned -- pay attention to any race course that includes "rolling hills"!  These folks are saying something!)  The race starts at 8 AM and has a pretty informal transition area (in the sense that there don't seem to be any "rules" -- your loved ones can stand right next to you and your racked bike).  If you can't tell from the picture below, I was the first person there (I figured I need to get better at being earlier like my triathlon friend Bill -- and it was nice to set up, stretch, hit the restrooms, figure out the course, and finish my coffee -- before heading over to the start line!)

Weather:  This part was perfect (low 70's I think with a clear blue sky!) -- it couldn't have been any better (in the same way that the 2011 event couldn't have had even worse weather!).  I didn't feel the wind until the bike course started -- and then it would just smack you in the face as you were trying to speed through open fields.  Not fun.  But -- no complaints!  Again, at least it wasn't raining!

Run Course:  Today this was my favorite part -- I am not in the best of shape right now but I actually beat my 52:19 time from 2011 by 19 seconds!  I came in at 52:00 minutes exactly and I am pretty sure that the last two miles were fast for me.  I got my mojo and just pushed on the gas pedal (and many thanks need to go to Billy Joel's "Pressure" for getting me up that last major hill!).

Bike Course:  Or as another way of putting it would go, "the hour and half when I thought I was gonna die!"  I knew doing this before that this was a tough course but I think last time I was so focused on making sure I didn't fall (the roads were slick from the rain) that I don't remember the bike course being that long.  Or hilly.  It felt super long today.  To boot, I didn't prep well in terms of nutrition and somehow I managed to bring only one water bottle (which was dry about 1/2 through the course).  I bonked and it was a pretty major bonk.  I really wasn't sure if I would be able to finish (especially since I was having some problems with low pressure in my back wheel).  But about five miles out, I just pushed harder and probably made up for some of the lost time from before.  I must have been going fairly fast because I passed about 10 bikes on the way in and I think each one just made me go a little faster!

Race Organization:  Perfect!  There were volunteers everywhere and police officers on all the major intersections.  Absolutely no complaints for the folks behind this race -- they did a fabulous job!  (but maybe they could have cut out some of those hills on the course?!)  You get a bright neon long sleeved shirt for this race but I was more excited about the recyclable grocery bag!

Will I do this one again?  You betcha!  My 2011 overall time was 2:16:17 (52 minutes on run and 1 hour 23 minutes on the bike).  This year my official time was 2:27:41 (a 52 minute run and an hour and 25 minutes on the bike).  Next year?  a 50 minute run and one hour and fifteen minutes on the bike!)  But I will do more hills.  Lots of them!

Monday Blues

Ugh.  I am in the midst of -- for lack of a better word -- a yucky Monday.  Nothing in particular -- just a bunch of small issues gone a muck and frustration with several people.  Mondays are super long for me -- I have class at 9 AM, 10 AM, 11 AM, and 1 PM and then a long night class from 7-9:50 PM.  I like to use my Monday afternoons to catch up on work but almost everything has taken double the amount of time so I am not nearly finished with my "To Do" list and in just a few moments I have to pull up enough energy to teach a long night class. (and yet another day of almost unrelenting hot flashes)

I think I am still just so disappointed to feel so far from being done with my dissertation that it is "coloring" my mood in general.  It is so hard to teach a full plus load (and to do it as well as I can) while also trying to finish the darn thing and have some sort of normal life as a person (and let's not even talk about all the responsibilities of being a wife and a partner).  I hate this sensation of feeling like I am so far behind in everything that I am doing (and maybe taking on an extra night class wasn't the best idea).

Enough whining.  I need to just pull myself up -- drink another pot of coffee -- and just do what needs to get done.  My weekend is already super busy so looking forward to relaxing is just not going to happen.  Maybe this cartoon below captures what is really going on -- I just can't stop thinking about all the crap that I need to think about!

Gwynnie Bee Update AND Umba Box Review -- September 2013

I have had a few people ask me how my Gwynnie Bee clothing subscription is going (click here if you have no idea what I am talking about), and the answer to that question is -- fabulous!  I am almost a month in and have worn approximately 10 different items (wearing each about 2 times) and then returning for the next item in my virtual closet (I am on the 3 clothing pieces out at a time deal).  I love being able to mix and match with items I already have and trying styles that I wouldn't try if left to my own devices (like this floral blouse that only lasted one try -- too many flowers even for me!).

Another cool think about this web site is that you can buy the clothing (supposedly at a reduced rate) if you decide that you want to keep an item.  Well, I did decide to keep one Asos dress so far (the one below), something I really liked when I put it on and I thought it was just too pretty to send back.

This is totally out of my comfort zone but I loved the feeling of embracing my curves.  Anyway, I saw on the Asos web site that the dress was about $50 (I did my research before asking the price just so I would know if the quoted price was "fair").  When I asked Gwynnie Bee how much it was, I was quoted $22 so I went ahead and purchased it.  Sure, it might have been worn a few times but it was in great shape! (still looked new to me!).  My only frustration has been that so far the folks at Gwynnie Bee haven't taken this piece of clothing out of my virtual closet so I can get another item sent to me (I have emailed them about it and it is supposed to be taken care of soon).

Yesterday's mail came with another subscription idea that I heard about recently -- Umba Box.  So how does this work?  You pay $30 a month and you get a surprise box with 2-3 items from independent artists/ businesses.  As someone who supports small companies, I thought this was a great idea!  (and I got my first box at 1/2 off because of a code I found when I read the original article about this concept).  So here is the small box that came yesterday (super cute packaging, by the way!) with the two items that were selected for this month's box.  Sitting on top of the box are the artist cards which explain the folks behind the two items.

Here are the two items.  The item on the left is a set of four coasters from a small company called "Fox and Anchor Paper."  I found their stuff on their Etsy site (click here).  The coasters I received are selling for $8.  According to the artist card, the two women behind this company run their paper through a press one at a time and then color the sheets individually.  I am not sure that I am in need of any coasters but I figure that these might make a cute gift for someone (they have an adorable little bow tie pattern).

Here is a close up of the other item I received -- an amazing ceramic necklace that I love, love, love!  The artist/ company behind this is the "Natasha K Collection" and she too has an Etsy shop: click here.  This exact item retails on her web site for $30 and is made of ceramic.  It is in a half moon shape and it is super cute!

So the retail total was $38 for about the $15 I paid for this first box.  Even if I had paid the usual $30 I think I would still be happy.  This is an amazing way for these artists to get their work out and I now have at least one more Etsy page to check on a regular basis (the ceramic jewelry is so pretty!).

Last Scotland Trip Update!

I loved, loved, loved Stirling Castle, one of the day trips that we took while we were in Edinburgh.  When Jim mentioned that he wanted to see it, I thought it sounded interesting because in my head castle = pretty blingy things!  But, yikes, I had no idea how terribly interesting that this place could be!  I am sure you can find all kinds of things about Stirling Castle online but here is history of it in a nutshell:  Built in the early 12th century, it became the home (real and symbolic) of Scotland's Kings and Queens.  I mean, the main parts of Scottish history are all here with connections to Mary Queen of Scots, William Wallace, and Robert the Bruce!  Before going any further, I should mention that there is a fantastic youtube video about this place which outlines the place after the huge renovation done in the past few years:

Here are some of the pictures that I took of the main hall and some of the bedrooms:

Now the Queen's Bedroom is where I had the most fun.  Lining the walls of the bedroom are the reproductions of the unicorn tapestries which are currently hanging in the MET in New York City.  I just fall in love with them -- to me, the unicorn just seemed out of place and I was mesmerized by the craftsmanship that has gone into the reproductions themselves. Long ago, these very sort of tapestries hung in castles in this area (perhaps Stirling).  The ones that these reproductions are based on were bought by an American collector in more modern times and then donated to the MET.  Weavers from Scotland have studied these tapestries and are currently making reproductions of this seven panel set on the grounds of Stirling Castle (I think they have 4 or 5 of them done at this point).  I guess I can't turn my teacher brain off because I had an epiphany while I was looking at these amazing tapestries -- because the "meaning" behind the series is debatable (religious story?  romantic tale? martyr message?  oppression?) couldn't these be a fantastic way of modeling inquiry to students? Perhaps this could be a great way to model inquiry with my students on the first day of a literature class!  Lead the discussion with some open-ended inquiry questions and then see what the students think.  I am hoping that using a visual text like this will encourage them to think the same way about many of the more difficult written texts that we will encounter this semester.

After Edinburgh, we went on more place before heading back to the States -- the Lake District in northern England.  I am not sure that we were smart in making these plans.  The area was super, super crowded, especially since this is a beautiful area that is popular with British folks vacationing.  But now that I have had time to think about it, here are a few reasons why I am glad that we included the Lake District in with our itinerary:

1.  Cat Bells:  We first heard about this hike via a Rick Steves PBS episode (the clip below also highlights the town we stayed at including "The Dog and Gun," one of the pubs we visited a few times:

And this view is the real deal!  After about an hour and half of hiking from the boat launch at the bottom of the climb. you too can make your own seat on the side of the mountain (like Rick Steves is doing!) and enjoy the view below.  Just saying this was spectacular is not enough -- it's just amazing (and even cooler when you see British military jets zooming by below you!).  Luckily, we had nice weather, met some cool folks, and enjoyed a boat ride as part of this adventure.  I thoroughly enjoyed this hike and hope we get to do something like this again soon!

2.  The Owl Sanctuary at Muncaster Castle.  I love, love, love owls!  Here are a few pictures that I took on a delightful day of touring a cool castle (Muncaster Castle has the most haunted castle in the UK apparently) and hanging out with owls!  The last picture are wild herons -- the castle feeds them everyday at 4 PM and that was pretty cool to watch!

3.  Seeing Dove Cottage, the home of Dorothy Wordsworth (oh, and her brother William!).  Amazing!  I wanted to see this the last time I went to the Lake District (many years ago) but I was a poor student and couldn't manage the entry.  This time I went in!  And there was a special exhibit going on of Dorothy's journals so I had a wonderful time (I think Jim was a little on the bored side, though!).

I know I will sound like a poetry geek when I say this but I was just so moved by the whole experience of being there, the very place where these two talented people "did their thang"!

Well, I guess those are the highlights of the trip!  Jim and I had a blast driving around Scotland and northern England and I will always think about this trip as a much needed break ... and we have already started thinking about our next adventure!

Netflix for Clothes!

Before I finish blogging about our recent Scotland adventures, I want to make sure and review the box that came in the mail for me today!  I discovered "Gwynnie Bee" just before we left on our trip and knew that I would need to wait until we came back before I could try it.  The easiest way that I have heard people describe this service is "Netflix for Clothes"!  Here is how it works:  Gwynnie Bee includes hundreds of clothing items for women who are "curvy" at a size 10 and up.  You browse the web site and add items you like to your account (called your "closet" which is sorta cute!).  You pay a monthly fee for having a certain number of these clothing items out.  You can return any of these items any time you want and get something else in your "closet."  I am trying the "three items out of a time" option (and I am getting the first month free to try it out).

So over the weekend, I decided to commit to trying the whole idea out (I had already browsed the site without committing to a subscription -- you can look at stuff but you can't save to your closet without a subscription account).  So today my first shipment arrived and here is what I think!

First, I thought that the three items I chose were packaged nicely and I liked that someone actually wrote out a handwritten card thanking me for starting an account.  Perhaps this isn't a big deal but I think it was a nice touch!

So I chose three items for this first package -- two dresses and a peplum shirt.  First up -- dress number 1 (the one that had caught my eye the most on the web site!).  Here is how the Igigi dress looked on their web site:

And here is how it looked on me:

I do like the dress and I picked the size perfectly for me.  I am not super crazy about the little tie thingies hanging off the arms but I think it's cute.  Jim even said it looked good!  :D  This isn't something I would usually wear because your tummy is not hiding behind anything but the fabric helped my body look more slender, I think!

Dress number two looked much better on than when I took it out of the box.  It is a two piece -- a Jessica Howard polka dot dress.  I can't get the actual dress to copy over to my blog but it looks something like this:

And here is me posing with the dress and the shrug that came along with it.  The dress above and the dress I got are both Jessica Howard but my version is a little different.  Like I said, I didn't think I was going to like this.  I didn't use the fabric belt that came with it but as soon as I used one of my own wide belts (a brown one), I think the look came together.  I love the fabric and it feels girly.  Not as crazy about the shrug so I probably won't wear it with the dress.

Item number 3 is a peplum top.  I tried pairing it with a skirt but I think it looked the best with skinny jeans (the top is an Asos Curve).

So what is the verdict?!  I think I will try the two dresses out and even wear one to a work meeting tomorrow.  I don't super love either one but they both look nice and I think I will try them out for a spin!  The peplum shirt?  I am sending that one back tomorrow morning in one of the envelopes that Gwynnie Bee provides (free shipping both ways!).  I have already noted the return on the web site so the folks at Gwynnie Bee will be sending another item from my closet (just like Netflix!). If truth be told -- the Asos Curve web site was having a sale yesterday so I actually just ordered a peplum top just like this (but with an eyebrow print!) for something like $13 so I don't need to hang on to this one.  I am still not sure if I like the peplum look but I will see what I think when the shirt I bought comes in.

So .... I am definitely excited about trying even more clothes!  It was fun!  If you would like to try a free month, here is a link:  http://goo.gl/7XNZY  (and in the interest of being honest, I can get a free month if any of my friends try it!).  I will probably have more to say about this in a month but right now I think I will be trying until at least the end of the year.  I have a few weddings coming up and I like the idea of wearing a nice, new dress without having to buy one!  And it is always fun to have new clothes to wear!  And I would like to try more clothes that are unlike the kinds of things I try on in stores.  The BEST PART about this program is that I get to try the clothes on at my home with my accessories and things.  And if I really love something, you can actually purchase the item as well.  That won't be happening with this round of clothes but we will see what happens in the future!