Bad News

So in just a few minutes I have to teach my night class even though I am just not in the mood to do it. I should note that wednesdays are always a long day for me -- lots of teaching (including a night class) and today I had an additional meeting to add to the chaos so I have been a bit on the busy side (this whole semester has been busy, busy, busy). The last few days have been particularily tough for a couple of reasons. I just sent back the first round of essays to all of my ENG 101 students and there have been, to put it lightly, a lot of complaints. Mostly, folks are not happy about the way that I grade (I write too much or I write too little or I point out misspellings and they already know that they spelled the word wrong). On some level, I know that what I am doing is right but sometimes it is hard to be strong about it all the time. There is, in fact, a part of me that wants to be liked by my students. Don't they know how much of my life I sacrifice for them? I buy (good) candy, I grade papers while I am out to dinner, I am always reading books and web sites to figure out more interesting lesson plans. Don't they know that I care?

And now that feeling has spilled over to my department. After a lot of thought, I decided to run for department chair and that didn't work out at all. I just got the email announcing the winner. I am positive that this person will be fabulous at the job but I guess this was a challenge that I wanted, something I was starting to look forward to. It would have meant a huge change -- switching to another campus -- but I was thinking that I had all these ideas to implement to make our department stronger and even more effective (perhaps making regular visits to the other campuses so folks don't feel disconnected like I often have; or maybe a newsletter that we can use to swap pedagogical ideas and news?). But I lost. And it hurts. I am not even sure why since the person who won will do a great job but I truly thought this was going to be the next step in my career. I work hard at being a professional in the sense of reading all the journals in the field and attending conferences and publishing articles and reviews. I am absolutely not saying that this makes someone a good department chair but I was ready for the next step (I think this is what I am trying to say). And now there is no next step. I have been working at my college for 12 years (and almost another 10 before that at other schools) and nowI feel like this is the voice of the universe saying that this is as far as I will ever be able to go. Maybe that is not true but that is how it feels. I love being a teacher but I thought I could work on my leadership skills so I could become an even better teacher.

Writing this helps (and don't we English teachers always say this anyway?!). I know that I need to go to class and do my absolute best to help 20 working adults get better at writing a research paper. Right now, the students are working on their "sand boxes" which is my (made up) word for a work space where they write their topics and research question(s) and then jot down search terms (think of a sandbox space where someone can draw and build and then tear it all down and start over if it doesn't work the first time). I ask students to open a Microsoft Word document and keep this "space" open as they start "playing with" their potential topics and questions. I use this same approach with my research and, hopefully, my students find it a helpful way to get started and stay motivated.

So there you go. That's me at 3:40 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, just before I walk into my 4 PM class. I am trying not to take this whole election thing personal but it just feels like no one likes me (isn't that a sad high school thing to say?). I need a tougher skin.

The Rainy Millstadt Biathlon!

Well, this morning was the very wet (and slightly chilly) 2011 Millstadt Biathlon. So, instead of participating in swimming, biking, and running, this morning I only had to compete in two of these events: biking and running!

Millstadt is on the Illinois side of the river, near Belleville, but out in the sticks (for lack of a better description!). The race started at 8 AM but I have learned that if you don't get there early, you might not get a (good) spot for your bike, so I was up at 5:30 AM and I got there about 6:45 AM (after getting slightly lost!). Jim just bought a new bike rack to go with the new hitch that we just had installed on our new car (the European styled 2012 Ford Focus in shiny red!). So this was my first time using a bike rack and it was so much easier than shoving my bike inside a car (often taking off at least one of the tires to make it fit!).

Once I checked in and got a spot for my bike, I decided to warm up by jogging around the park where the biathlon started and eventually I fell into conversation with two other women about triathloning. One of the women, Melissa, I actually ended up talking to throughout the running portion of the race (I need to thank her for getting me through at a quick pace -- for me! -- and providing some entertainment along the way!).

When the run portion started, it wasn't raining but it didn't take too long for the rain to start pouring off-and-on during the entire 5 miles. The great news, though, is that I felt ... well, great! My body (for not having a lot of mileage under my running shoes) felt pretty okay and I didn't have to stop once during the entire 52:19 (again, partly thanks to Melissa!).

Once the biking started, the rain had stopped so I was able to get about 12-15 miles in with clear weather but wet roads. I love, love, love this new tri racing bike but I am still hesitant when it comes to steep downhills -- everyone else is getting their speed going and I am actually being a dork and hitting the breaks. Especially with the wet roads, I was just terrified of falling. I figure with the clip pedals, it is going to take me so much longer to respond as my bike tilts and slides on the ground.

But even with the breaking, I was absolutely delighted that I was actually passing person after person! Each time I would note a target ahead of us (I am including my super cool bike!), we went for it and passed that person (who was often a guy!). And we just kept on going, even when the rain started coming down in bucketfuls! And when I say it was raining, I mean it was raining raining. At one point it was getting hard to see in front of me but I just tucked my head in and slowed down a little (and said a silent prayer that no cars were coming since it was an open course). And before I knew it -- just as I was settling into some speed -- I could see the finish line ahead. The time when I went under the banner was 2:16:17 -- a time I am happy with (I figured anything under 3 hours was going to be great for today!).

The second part of my morning adventure was moving all my wet-soaked equipment back to the car and then going back and grabbing my bike since I couldn't do it all in one trip. I decided not to stick around since the rain was coming down even heavier and I knew I was going to start feeling cold before too long (and it didn't help that I didn't think to bring any dry clothes with me -- all I had were two towels). I did have some trouble finding a way out of the parking lot (lots of cars who arrived after me had parked all over the place) but soon I was on my way and headed the 25 minutes back to downtown St Louis. Which was yet another adventure. I actually got pretty lost in East St Louis but I knew I was headed north so I figured I would run into the highway at some point. And I did! But I do need to return to some of the spots I saw in East St Louis because I am fascinated with old, abandoned buildings and I saw a few on my way to the highway (I really need to dig around for a good book on the history of this whole area so I can know a little more about this adopted home of mine!).

What?! It's the Middle of September?!

(the picture above is from the recent Sunset Hills Triathlon -- easily the hardest tri I have done EVER -- the bike course was hilly beyond description!)

For some reason, I am just swamped and I have no idea when I will be able to climb out of this mess of essays, paperwork, and projects!

So here is an update on the busy life of Dianna :

1. I have 5 full classes of ENG 101 and ENG 102 students this semester -- and I am experimenting with some new ways of assessing their writing in an effort to make the courses more relevant -- and fun! But ... it appears I might be making even more work for myself.

2. In addition, I have one full class of LIT 205: Non-Western Literature -- which is my literature specialty but I am using a bunch of new novels (again, in an effort to make more connections with my students!). My students are fabulous in all of these classes (at least, so far!) but I feel like I am only a day or two ahead of them in terms of the workload and the reading. I am experimenting with letting them have my cell phone number this semester so they can call and/ or text. And they have been taking me up on it! Nothing major but I am finding myself using and checking my phone more often.

3. I am forcing myself to write 750 words a day on this fantastic web site, www.750words.org. At the moment I am on a 10 day writing streak (you get badges for certain milestones which totally fits in to Dianna's whole competitive streak!). Anyway, on a few of the days (since Sept 1) I have written nothing of any significance but I have had some breakthroughs with writing for the dissertation and so, obviously, I hope that continues! And when I don't write early enough in the day, I get emails from the web site reminding me to write! I need this kind of pressure!

4. I just started working with a swimming coach this past week (on Monday nights). I actually signed up for a lap swimming class with this coach but I am the only person who signed up so it's sort of like having a private lesson. In just 20 minutes of lesson #1 she already had me swimming way better than I have ever swam in my entire life! Since I have never really had a swimming lesson, I think this will go a long way in getting me more prepared for kicking butt in triathlons! And it's fun -- something I never thought I would ever say about swimming! (if you don't know, I have been slightly afraid of water since I have been an adult)

5. I attended my last support group meeting for folks with cancer last week. This was a tough moment for me as I have grown close to so many of the people in this fabulous group. If there has been any silver lining to cancer, I suppose this was it -- the chance to meet wonderful, kind folks I would have never met. Thankfully, several of them I can still talk to on Facebook and I have started sending weekly cards and letters to one of the great people there who is dealing with a cancer recurrence (I know my Chemo angels were so great to me -- now it's my chance to give back a little!).

But group is not quite over for me -- I just started a "Cancer Transitions" group that will meet for the next 5 weeks (three hours on Thursday nights). This group has a specific focus each week (i.e. nutrition, exercise post-cancer) and meets, oddly enough, at the very same place I had my radiation treatments (St Louis Cancer and Breast Institute out in West County). So far, I like the group -- almost all breast cancer survivors and friendly folks. And to make me feel a teeny better -- I am one of the youngest so that makes me feel pretty good! (and these women are super sweet so it's sort of like having 15 adopted grandmothers!)

6. I still work almost every Saturday morning at the women's clinic in Granite City. It's not getting any easier for women to walk into an abortion clinic and so I find working there (helping the staff and the clients) to be something that I just feel compelled to do. I respect every one's opinion on this matter but I still think it's important to have a choice. (anyway, I have been at the clinic for about 4 years now!).

7. I am participating in a Learning Circle at work that is devoted to the topic of white privilege -- and I will be leading one myself soon (one that will be devoted to the book, What's Liberal about the Liberal Arts: Classroom Politics and 'Bias' in Higher Education .by Michael Berube). Both of these discussion opportunities are related to my dissertation and I am just simply delighted to get the opportunity to talk and expand my own thinking on these subjects. But ... there is a bunch of reading and thinking to do!

8. I am trying to get back to my "normal" 5 AM workouts in the morning. Pre-cancer, these were generally not a problem but perhaps my body is not back to 100% and/ or perhaps the medications I am taking are causing problems but ... getting up is not an easy task in the morning. However, I made it work twice this week so that's at least a step in the right direction. (and our pooch Stella enjoyed our run this morning! It was even a little chilly! Yeah! Fall is here!)

9. I am trying to clean my office -- which is just plain messy. I hate not being able to find anything and students have to push things out of the way just to sit down and talk with me. Not good.

10. I am not happy just sitting still, so it seems like my schedule quickly fills up with running and tri activities, dinner out with friends, and scholastic meetings and conferences. Sometimes I wish I were better at just being bored but I know that is not me. It's just not the way that my brain works.

Anyhoo -- I am hoping that the prospectus meeting for my dissertation is soon (early Oct) and I really, really, really, really need to use this blog more often to talk through the crazy mind of me!

PS: I just added a widget (on the right) for my Daily Mile account so I have a place to share what I am doing exercise-wise. I figure it might make me more ambitious!

Bonus Pictures!

Dianna the Geisha!

As promised, here are a few more pictures from Japan! Jim and I (and our good friends Greg and Martha) stopped for about 5 days in Kyoto, Japan (the old capital) and Martha had suggested that we dress up like Maiko, apprentice geisha. What a blast! (and this is coming from someone who doesn't wear that much makeup!). So here are some pics from that (hot) day:



The interesting part of this whole experience was how "famous" I became -- at least for an hour or so. After a professional photo shoot inside a studio, Martha and I were able to walk around and take pics with our husbands. Most foreign women do not do this so we sorta stuck out -- everyone kept asking if they could take pictures of us. I guess this is how Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt feel, eh?

Anyway -- it was fun! The wig was incredibly heavy, the makeup started to run in the heat, and the kimono was tight but ... it was still a great experience!

Where is Dissertation Girl?!

Yes, I have been a very bad blogger girl. How did work get so busy so fast?! (I mean the semester literally just started and I am already way behind!). I do want to update this blog with some more Japan pictures (and I keep thinking that this is something I want to take my time doing, you know, when I actually can sit down for longer than five minutes!). And I even have some dissertation updates to share ...

But first -- I did another triathlon this past Sunday in Sunset Hills, MO. Two weeks ago I did one in Alligator Creek -- way out in O'Fallon, MO, and I made the rookie mistake of forgetting my bike helmet. Luckily, there was a Walmart nearby that was open at 6 AM so I was able to dash in and grab one before my start time (and, again, luckily my start time was not in the first 3o minutes!). That race only got worse (it was like forgetting my helmet was a bad sign!) since the race course was extremely hilly and -- along with the humidity -- I felt pretty "wasted" early on. But it was the first race that I got to use my new racing bike (see picture below!) and that part went well! I feel much faster on this bike than my clunky ol' mountain bike and I think I came in something like 4th on the bike in my age group.



When I finished I almost stumbled and fell at the finish line -- I had to sit down for about 30 minutes before I could do anything else. My energy levels were basically depleted. But I finished in just over two hours so I was feeling pretty great.

The race this past Sunday in Sunset Hills had even more hills. I mean Hills with a capital "H" -- I had to bike the same course 5 times so I got to know those hills well. I was feeling pretty good as I waited to jump in the outdoor pool -- I even imagined the water was going to be pretty cold (which it wasn't). I got through the 400 yards (not easily like usual for me in the water) and then jumped on my super cool bike. On the second lap around the course, I started to feel a bit dizzy and sick. This was the first time ever that I thought "I can't do this. I have to stop." But ... somehow I dug deep and kept going. And then I had to throw on my running shoes and somehow finish the 5K run (which was stressing me out as I finished my last lap or two of the bike -- how in the heck was I going to finish??). By this time, it was pretty hot and humid. I had to do some serious power walking in the first mile, but somehow -- once again -- I managed to dig deep and finish. My time was bad -- I was something like 12th out of 18 women in the 40-49 age group. But I had wanted to finish before 2 hours and 30 minutes and I did do that -- the final time was 2:18:47. Again, just like at Alligator Creek, I literally could not move for about 15 minutes after finishing. I was just pretty spent of all energy.

Jim said he would come along to the next triathlon so that makes me happy -- it would be cool to have folks cheering you on like I see with other participants. I know my sport is boring for an audience (Look! There she goes!) but it does help to have someone cheering you on! When Jim is there, I think I even try harder because I want him to be proud of me.

Anyway -- the next big triathlon (the last of the season for me) is on October 2. I also have a biathlon in September (Yeah! No swimming!) but everything else for the rest of 2011 will be foot races (including the upcoming Rock'n'Roll Marathon here in October).

Race Info Updated

I just updated my racing schedule so if you click "Upcoming Races" you should see all the information there. I don't know if anyone is reading this but it keeps me organized and perhaps it will be useful when I start to compare times for next year!