Chemo #3

So the title of this entry says it all -- today I experienced my third CMF chemo treatment. I am getting experienced with this enough now to know that the steroids are making me feel OK right now -- but that will probably change by tomorrow or Saturday. But I am hoping that things continue to go as well as they have in the past. Before the treatment today, Jim and I met with Dr L, the oncologist, and she said that I am, indeed, experiencing hot flashes (whoopee!) and the tiredness is pretty much par for the course. She noticed that my hair is a bit "limper" which makes me feel good and that I am not just being paranoid. I also got copies of my pathology reports and Onctotype DX testing so I can keep this stuff for my records (seems sort of odd that I didn't get a copy of this important paperwork in the first place, I think).

I also went to my group therapy session for cancer patients which is two hours every Thursday night (on the other side of 270!). This was my third week and I think, if I am honest with myself, that it's a useful thing to be doing. Yes, I hate the time out of my schedule (and I am so tired!) but I feel like right now I am heading in a direction that is not healthy and I want to head that off before things get any worse than they are. Someone in the group once said that for every physical thing that happens to you (i.e. diagnosis, surgery, radiation, chemo, etc), there is an emotional parallel that is equally important to acknowledge and work through. This is the "stuff" that I think I need to wrap my head around. I guess it's just that I am afraid of "letting loose" too much -- I can barely talk wihout crying so I know there is a bunch of crap pent up behind some walls that if they break might be harder to reconstruct. I probably need to do something even more intensive but this is at least a start.

The two cats above are Bailey (11 years old; part Maine Coon) and Zora (13 years old; calico). I've had these two long before I even met Jim. Well, Zora has been acting funny lately (cries endlessly and drinks tons of water -- pretty much obsessed with the water bowl) so we took her to our new vet downtown (a block or so away) but neither of us were happy with the care 100% (i.e. smelly office). Anyway -- we took Zora to the Humane Society on Monday and paid -- again! -- for blood work and finally we have an answer to the obsessive water drinking and the almost endless crying during the night (which is getting hard for me to deal with). She apparently has a hyper thyroid. They think. The other possibility, if the thyroid medicine doesn't work, is that she might have some sort of brain illness. As you can imagine, I am hoping that the thyroid medicaiton kicks in and she goes back to normal.

Tired, Tired, Tired

So what's my "new normal"? Tired. It's hard to describe exactly how I feel but it sorta resembles the "I have been at an all-night party and haven't had a chance to take a shower" kind of feeling. Or at least that is as close as I can get. And the weird thing is that I can't exactly say WHEN this feeling started. When I first started chemo, everyone kept saying you will feel tired. But at first I didn't. Everything felt pretty normal except the two days or so after chemo. But then things changed. And I think I am noticing it the most now, the last week or so.

I have figured out that mornings are the best. I can get up at 5 AM and work out at the gym downstairs even though I am definitely noticing a change in my stanima. That winded feeling comes just a little quicker than it used to. I am OK most of the morning teaching but by about 11 AM, I can feel the tired "creeping" over my body (for you literary types, I haven't been able to get the filmed version of Charlotte Perkins Gilman's short story "The Yellow Wallpaper" out of my mind!). And the strange thing is that is hits me so suddenly. I will be chatting with a student and then "wham"! There it is. And it doesn't go away. I manage to get through the afternoons but I feel like I am on battery power and I am trying to make it to my bed before those batteries die.

This whole physical feeling is hard for me to talk about. I've always been such a physical person that I am amazed (in a bad way) that my body is doing this to me. To top it off, the chemo I am on is "lighter" than the chemo a lot of other folks get. Am I just a complete and total whimp?? Does my body not get the word "cooperation"?

So in a nutshell, I just feel sad right now. Sad that my body is not working with me a bit more and sad that this whole process won't be finished until the end of the year. And what do I have to look forward to?? A damn hysterectomy. I am honestly so done with doctors and hospitals. And why is it that you start noticing more pregnant people when you know that this is an option no longer available to you? What is up with that? OK .... whine fest finished for the night. But I reserve the right to start anew tomorrow!

In dissertation news, a pal from grad school (Brandi) and I decided to push each other to write. I sent her some pages of something I wrote last weekend and she sent me the most thoughtful comments (and I now need to do the same for her!). I need to get this dissertation DONE. I think that what I am doing is important but for some reason I feel stalled and uninspired. I'd like to blame it on the breast cancer, but I was feeling this way before the diagnosis. But Brandi's comments have jump started me a little! (and thanks to Dr M for giving me the idea to write in small bursts -- more fun to do with Brandi by my side!).

One of my most favorite music "moments" on film -- if you haven't seen the Laya Project, it is an amazing documentary about the lives and music culture of coastal and surrounding communities in the 2004 tsunami-affected regions of Sri Lanka, Thailand, Indonesia, Maldives, Myanmar and India. I first saw the film while staying at an organic farm in Northern India in 2008. As soon as I came back to the States, I bought the soundtrack -- and the film. The music is simply beautiful.

Some Thoughts Inspired by Weekend Reading

More than a century and a half ago, Walt Whitman predicted the coming of a race of "fierce and athletic girls" who ...

"are not one jot less than I am,
They are tann'd in the face by shining suns and blowing winds,
Their flesh has the old divine suppleness and strength,
They know how to swim, row, ride, wrestle, shoot, run, strike, advance, resist, defend themselves,
They are ultimate in their own right -- they are calm, clear, well-possess'd of themselves."

Pretty much everyone thought he was crazy.

PS: If you haven't read Walt Whitman, you really gotta check him out! Click here!

Why are these always "quick" posts?!

So here it is -- another Friday! And I am pretty darn tired. One of my new "hobbies" seems to be overanalyzing my health -- Am I feeling/ experiencing "X" because of chemo? Or is whatever I am feeling just from getting old? Is it just something I would be feeling/ experiencing even without the chemo? Well, all I can say is that I am tired. In some ways, more tired than I have ever felt in my entire life.

Even though we didn't have classes this past Monday (Labor Day), it felt like a l-o-n-g week. I am trying to put 110% of my energy into teaching so by the end of the day, I am feeling pretty "spent." I was also stupid enough to take on some other activities this semester -- a Japanese language class, a Japanese cooking class, a technology certification course related to my teaching, and a bunch of other little "things." (and, yes, I recognize that I not only have a problem saying "no" but that I think of myself as some sort of wanna-be over-achiever).

And the support group is also eating chunks of time ... but it is something I need to do (it's on Thursday nights for two hours). It's a lot harder than I anticipated. No majic wand here. Just tough discussion -- for example, I am learning that crap that I thought I had taken care of in the past is not as taken care of as I thought. Cancer sort of pulled the rug from under me and I need to get my bearings again ... (one of the women in the group was a Stage I like me 7 years ago and now she has a reoccurence that is Stage 4. Sort of freaked me out a little).

Chemo Angels

A few weeks ago someone told me about this great online organization -- Chemo Angel -- that connects you up with a volunteer who "adds a ray of sunshine" to your life while you are undergoing chemotherapy. I went ahead and signed up ... and was notified that I was "adopted" by two people!

Let me start by saying that I can't wait until I am 100% cancer-free and can do this for other people! And that kind of statement says a lot about the program because I have been hooked up with two of the kindest people ever: Rachel and Laurie. Both of them have sent such kind notes to someone -- me! -- who is pretty much a stranger. In this day of email and virtual conversations, it is so nice to come home and see a letter (you know, those pieces of paper that people write on!). As I am nearing the middle of chemo, my strong attitude is waning a bit. These letters help brighten the mood. I just wish I were a better writer and could articulate how cool this program is. I feel like I have made two new friends even though I am living through the worst year of my life.

And to make matters even BETTER, I have re-hooked up with two old friends -- Bonnie (who helped me survive a Master's degree) and Jennifer (a former student who became a close friend). I have been so fortunate in my life (and travels) to have met the most interesting and fabulous people -- and one of my biggest regrets is that sometimes you lose the connection simply because stuff like that happens even if you don't mean it to happen.

So now I am sitting here, thinking that cancer looks a little "smaller" when I compare it the well-wishes coming from new friends and those coming from old friends.

Running Trivia Question of the Day!

Did you know that the first running bra made for such hard impact was actually constructed out of two jock straps? That happened, my friends, in 1977. Note the picture above! FYI: Recent research indicates that the perfectly designed sports bra still does not exist -- but it is the one piece of runinng "equipment" that I spend tons of money on! (I go through them pretty fast!)