Dissertation Girl Conquers Breast Cancer ... and a Dissertation!

Guess Who is Back?

2012-02-26T14:12:00.002-06:00

Well, here it is nearly the end of February and ... well ... my dissertation is not going so well. I guess the biggest issue at hand here is the fact that I teach writing FT and that takes an awful lot of energy. By the time I have finished a typical day in which I have taught class, tutored a bunch of students face-to-face to work on their writing, and then "attacked" papers and projects from all of my classes, I am honestly tired and not even close to being motivated enough to sit down.

And maybe writing would be easier if there weren't other "issues" -- I am not sure what is going on with my body but I am experiencing some difficulties with my lower back and my legs in general. I though that last year, just as I was finishing treatment, was my "rough year" in terms of getting back into exercising but it seems as if this year is much worse. My back is hurting a lot of the time -- anytime that I make a move that is a bit off balance, bam! There it is! I have even noticed that at work I am starting to feel my back a bit more, making it harder for me to get down on my knees to help students on the computer (and yoga is nearly impossible right now). My running times are way off and I am gaining weight (mostly because I am not working out as much as I usually do).

And then there is the 4C's conference coming up for March 21-25. Don't get me wrong -- I am absolutely delighted that I have been able to help as much as I have been doing -- it's just that I didn't know how much work I was getting myself into. Luckily, a lot of the prep work for the conference is done now (I have a few documents to proofread for a March 1 deadline). Things will be much crazier once the conference arrives, but for now. Just waiting for the hoards of nice folks who will be hanging out downtown!

So here is one positive step in ferociously attacking "the diss." With Jim's support, we switched our TV room with our living room/ reading room. So that means Jim has lost his "man cave" for now. This way, I can spread out the enormous amount of articles I have accumulated and start getting the damn thing done.

I'm not sure what has been going on with me lately. My body feels as tired as my mind. I know a part of it is that I can't call my pal, Les, the one person who has been there for 20 years in guiding me toward this dissertation (he died just over a year ago). I have great support from friends, Jim, and Dr M (advisor extraordinaire!) but something in me has just not been "on."

Well, that is about to change. Even writing here is enough to get me a tad bit more motivated. Watch out world -- here she comes!

Quick Book Review of Sorts!

2012-01-28T10:17:00.002-06:00

I just finished my second novel from the perspective of a biracial girl this month. (and I have reviews of them both under the "Books" link above). But I don't think I can kid myself that this is actually working on my dissertation even if I found some great lines and zingers pertaining to race in both novels!

So here goes ....

The Girl Who Fell From the Sky by Heidi W. Durrow. I found this book on a best-selling novels table (at the cool independent bookstore, The Book Loft) while I was in a conference in Columbus, OH, this past October but just now got the chance to read it. The book caught my interest for several reasons -- it about a biracial girl (cool point number one), one of the main characters is named "Nella" after the fabulous author "Nella Larson" (cool point number two), and a good section of the book takes place in Oregon (good point number three). Though I wasn't crazy about the ending (I will let you decide if you like it or not), I loved the intrigue behind why this girl "fell from the sky." And there were some great lines (the author contributes to NPR on a pretty regular basis apparently). When the main character, Rachel, thinks about her Scandinavian heritage (her mom was from Denmark), she thinks, "I don't want being Danish to be something that I can put on and take off. I don't want the Danish in me to be something time makes me leave behind" (205).

2012-01-26T10:07:00.002-06:00

Sorry. But I admit it. I stole someone's blog entry! So here it is. I read this entry this morning from the fabulous Popsicle Report -- Click here for the blog! -- and I realized that there was no way in heck I could replicate what she says here. Every single word of it rings true for me, too!

************************************************************************************

Day 1:

So I’m tooling along Cancer Road. Don’t want to be here, but at least I’m past the multicar pile-up of surgery, chemo and radiation, and I’m picking up speed. Hope the rest of my trip is event-less. Man, it’s hard to drive with your fingers crossed.

Switching lanes now and – oops – wait! How did I end up on this ramp? I’m not supposed to get off this highway for another year or so, when I get to the exit marked “Dramatically Decreased Chance of Recurrence.”

Wait — what’s that brown sign? Looks like the ones that point to scenic attractions. Maybe a welcome sign?

Well, maybe not.

Welcome to Camp Hypochondria

No pets allowed

Aw, rats.

Somebody warned me about this place. A guy on the Road ahead of me. He said he got stuck there, but I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about then.

So here I am now, parked in the middle of a bunch of tents.

Looks like one of those Occupy campsites that were recently closed down. Maybe I’ll stay here for awhile and see what’s going on. I’ve got a tent in the trunk.

Day 2:

Here I am, lying awake on my cot.

Ouch!

What is that?

That ache in my wrist that woke me up.

Surely it’s not…

I get up quickly and look for my checklist, the one I made after talking with the oncologist at my last check-up. There it is, tucked away in my special Cancer Survivor backpack, the one I assembled after the end of radiation. I carry it around with my water bottle and dietary supplements. It’s got a special pocket for Good Humor.

Let’s see – what did the oncologist say?

Cancer doesn’t attack the joints, or recur below the elbows or knees. (“Everything else is fair game,” he said.)

Oh, so I guess that pain in my wrist is simply, what, arthritis? Or – no – maybe it’s degenerative joint disease, one of the side effects of chemo the naturopath told me about.

Or, maybe I just slept in the wrong position.

But just for security, let’s continue down the list.

The doc said that, if it spreads, breast cancer usually heads for the brain, lungs, bones, or liver.

So, let’s see:

No headache. Guess my brain’s OK (relatively speaking). Check.

Lungs? No cough or shortness of breath. Check.

Bones? No pain. Except for that wrist. But that’s a joint AND below the elbow. Double check.

And I’m hungry.

That’s a good sign. A good appetite and steady weight indicate a healthy liver.

But just to be sure, I’ll check my weight on the bathroom scale. I just happen to have one of those in my backpack too. (Mary Poppins would be so proud.)

Two pounds heavier.

What?!!!

I never gain weight (well, except for those pregnancies and that one summer at Girl Scout camp).

Uh-oh. Weight gain. Isn’t that one of the signs of ovarian cancer?? Sometimes breast and ovarian cancer are linked.

Rats — No trapdoor I can open into my body for a look inside.

OK, quick – pull on my shorts. If the waistband’s too loose, it could be weight loss from liver metastasis. But if it’s too tight — abdominal swelling can mean cancerous ovaries.

But these fit just right.

Oh.

Must have been that Halloween candy my son gave me from his trick-or-treat bag, and all that extra sitting writing blog entries like this one.

I dig again through my backpack, looking for what, I’m not sure. And I see it in writing – a folder with a label that reads “cancer.”

Oh wait. No. That says “career.”

Silly.

Last week I saw something written on my to-do list and I thought it too said “cancer.” But it was only my note to myself to cancel the newspaper. Yeah, I’d like to cancel cancer too.

I glance down and notice that small mole on my right calf. It disappeared during chemotherapy, but now it’s back.

Oh right, that’s below the knee, and therefore off limits.

Unless, of course, it’s . . . skin cancer.

I remind myself, as the oncologist said, that if today’s pain is new AND above the knees and elbows AND progressive, I should start the countdown. If the pain is still around after 2 weeks, I’m supposed to call him. I am amazed at how many pains can come and go from a body in the course of 2 weeks.

A few months ago, it was the lymph node under my jaw that was tender off and on for a month. Pressing on it (of course I did!) irritated my ear and sinus and I had some tingling along my nose and lips. I was sure this meant a brain tumor that was affecting my facial nerve. But then the air dried out and the molds disappeared and the node retreated into obscurity.

And that tender spot in my abdomen last fall turned out to be just a bladder infection.

If nothing else, all these false alarms are a test of how well I know my own anatomy. In the misguided process of trying to diagnose myself, I’ve discovered just where my liver and pancreas are and what they do. And now that I’m in menopause — not through the natural gradual descent but from a shove over the cliff by that villain chemotherapy – I wonder just where are those ovaries anyway? Everything in my body seems to have shifted. The joints work differently. Even my teeth don’t come together quite like they used to.

A yoga teacher once told me that, if we are spiritually healthy and mature, we grow in awareness. I don’t think this is the kind of awareness she meant.

I resent the way cancer has hijacked my thinking.

Hypochondria: It’s just another word for obsession.

“Presque tous les hommes meurent de leurs remèdes, et non pas de leurs maladies.”

Nearly all men die of their remedies, and not of their illnesses.

Molière: The Imaginary Invalid (1673), Act III, sc. iii

Happy New Year!

2012-01-23T12:31:00.003-06:00

Hello everyone! Sorry to take so long in posting! Dissertation Girl is not dead! But -- It has been an amazingly busy last couple of months! The semester ended at SWIC -- which includes tons of grading, evaluating, conferencing, etc -- and then the holidays were here (which included me going off on a cruise with my good pal, Peggy!).

So here we are in January 2012. My one goal this year -- finish the dissertation!

Like I did before, I want to use this web space to write out and think through this enormously important time in my life ... finishing up the dissertation. But here are a few other things on my mind right now.

1. I found out earlier this month that I was accepted at the Dartmouth Composition Seminar (something I would have never been able to do without the dissertation help of the amazing Dr M, my advisor!). Here is a web link to the seminar: Dartmouth Seminar. This seminar is indeed at the one and only Dartmouth (in Hanover, NH) and so Jim and I will be making this our big holiday for the year. We rented this cabin near the college and will be staying there for the entire two weeks that I am studying and working at Dartmouth (Stella gets to come along to as the rental is dog friendly!). This seminar should help me finish up any crunching of data that I will still need to do dissertation-wise.

2. The 4C's Conference is March 21-24 in downtown St Louis (a mere block or two from our downtown loft) -- and I am serving on the Local Committee (as the official "Information Chair"!). This is a HUGE conference for we writing teacher types -- I would guess that about 3000 or so of us show up for this annual conference (information about the conference here!). I am working now at finding discounts from local businesses for this event! Once this conference gets going in March, I suspect that it will be eating tons of my time!

3. Triathloning (and a fair amount of half-marathoning!). Yep, I am back at it. I am determined to get better at this sport (and lose that darn cancer weight!). Right now I am doing an indoor triathlon series with a friend at the St Peter's Rec Plex in preparation for the outdoor tris that will be starting around May. Jim and I are off to Myrtle Beach, SC, so I can run the "Run Like a Diva" Half-Marathon on May 20 (again -- we will be taking a short vacation here and click here for the fabulous beach rental we found for the time we are there! And, again, it is a Stella-friendly rental!)

4. Just being the best teacher I can be! I am starting a new semester where I have changed and organized my developmental classes especially in the quest to find better ways of helping my students recognize the value of effective writing skills. I am not sure how it will all turn out by the end of the semester but this semester represents yet another attempt at experimentation!

5. Playing with Twitter and Linked. Because I have been lucky enough to have a few publication credits (and help out with some reviewing for the journal, Teaching English in the Two-Year College, I want to use that momentum to embrace the academic/ publishing world more fully. I am still trying to learn how to use hashtags and all that fun stuff on Twitter and I am trying to keep my Linked page updated. In a nutshell -- I need to keep myself more informed about what is going on -- and both of these social media forms appear to be great ways of staying on top of what's going on! So watch out world! Here I come!

PS: As I did last year, I am also going to use this space to keep track of my races (see new tab for 2012) and a new tab will organize all the books I read (I am sort of curious how many I read!)

Why You Should Read The Hunger Games!

2011-11-21T12:27:00.004-06:00

So I just finished reading the first book in the series centering on heroine Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games. Katniss is the heroine of these young adult novels written by Suzanne Collins (this first book was published in 2008). The Hunger Games trilogy takes place in an unidentified future time period after the destruction of the current counties making up North America, in a "new" nation known as "Panem." Panem consists of a rich Capitol, located somewhere unknown in the Rocky Mountains, and twelve (formerly thirteen until one is destroyed) surrounding, poorer districts which cater to the Capitol's needs. As punishment for a previous rebellion against the Capitol (explaining the destruction of the thirteenth district), every year one boy and one girl from each of the remaining twelve districts, between the ages of twelve and eighteen, are selected by lottery and forced to participate in the "Hunger Games." These games are televised to the people of Panem and the winner is the last person (child) alive.

Yeah ... I know. This doesn't sound exaactly like young adult literature. Or even the type of fiction that I generally like. However, I had heard of The Hunger Games in passing the last few years when I would overhear conversations of students (or even academics) who would claim that Katniss was a much better female character than the popular Bella in the Twilight series (and films). I had actually tried reading the first Twilight book a few years back (on the suggestion of students) but I couldn't get past the first few chapters because (1) I thought the writing was so unedited and awful and (2) I just simply didn't like Bella. But when I was playing around with the Kindle app on my new ipad I downloaded a few free "first chapters" of some current bestsellers and the rest, well, is history. I fell into The Hunger Games and couldn't stop reading. Not only is this novel well-written, but Katniss is likeable and fun! (she sorta reminds me of Salander from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series!)

I suppose one huge reason I liked the novel was the subliminal political message I saw brewing up beneath the surface of this supposedly youth novel (Occupy Wallstreet anyone?). Katniss is "playing" in the Games with Peeta, a boy from her district. It turns out that these two have known each other their whole lives (Peeta has had a long time crush on Katniss) but as you go further in the novel, the reader realizes that the death of either one of these characters would be truly awful (not that the deaths of the other gamers are actually desired either). Why do "the rules" need to be followed anyway? According to the rules of the Game, either Katniss or Peeta must die in order for the other to leave the arena (as they both end up the last two players). At one point a severly injured Peeta attempts to force Katniss to kill him. Katniss doesn't want to do this (and neither does the reader!). Because the Capitol must have a winner from the games to exhibit, Katniss suggests that they both eat poisonous Nightlock berries, and therefore die together. After placing berries in their mouth, they are hastily interrupted by the Games' host and both allowed to live.

However, since Katniss Everdeen has humiliated the Capitol and its rules (Oh no! She questioned authority!), she becomes a political target and inadvertently inspires a rebellion in the districts. She and Peeta make it back to their disctrict by the end of this first book but that is where it ends. As you can imagine, I am absolutely dying to read the next two books (which I will do once we make it to the holiday break in December! -- I have to focus the next month on work and school).

I suppose one could argue that I need to be spending the limited time I already have reading dissertation "stuff" and writing every chance that I get. I think I do sort of do this (though I could be more dedicated I agree) but this novel is the type of reading that I do when I have hit my bed and I am looking for about 30 minutes of good reading before I fall asleep. I didn't think, though, that I was going to be as excited about this novel as I got -- I love Katniss! And I am super excited to discover that there will be a film version of this novel coming out in March 2012 (featuring Jennifer Lawrence, Woody Harrelson, Stanely Tucci, Elizabeth Banks, and Lenny Kravitz!). I am no book critic, but I will encourage anyone looking for a good read to pick up the tale of Katniss Everdeen. If only more of our young women had a role model like this -- a teenager who is confident and knows what she wants! And if only more of our young people (like many of the Occupy Wallstreet protestors!) had such confidence and a willing attitude to change what they don't like!

Sunday Evening

2011-11-20T20:24:00.002-06:00

So this has been a productive weekend -- for once! Saturday I worked at the Hope Clinic (a super cool place that I volunteer at on Saturday mornings) and then Jim and I spent the day running errands and I worked on grading some papers and doing some paperwork in the late afternoon. I also went through about 40 job applicants (I am on a hiring committee).

This morning I was up super early to run the Jingle Bell 5K over at Harrah's Casino (it was a fundraiser for arthritis and all of us folks who are on the Fleet Feet Racing Team showed up! I probably don't need to tell folks in the St Louis area that it was so cold this morning! Luckily, the great folks at Fleet Feet had some hot chocolate out and that helped me stay warm until the horn went off signaling the beginning of the race! The course was fairly flat (except for one gravel hill at the start and the beginning). It took about a mile for me to feel my fingers (did I mention it was cold?) but I felt pretty strong for the first two miles. I was honestly shocked. I am getting so used to feeling winded right away that I was sure how to respond to feeling strong (and speeding up even!). After the two mile mark, I sped up even more and that is when I first started to feel that I was racing but it wasn't until about 2.80 miles that I started to "really" feel it. I struggled up that little hill and then the finish line was there! My time was 30:03, just shy of the 30 minutes that I started hoping for as soon as I realized my legs were feeling pretty good. My PR is just under 24 minutes but since my more recent 5K times have all been around 35 minutes (with lots of pain), I was feeling great about this run!

And then I did it again tonight! I am in the middle of doing a bunch of indoor triathlons at the St Peter's Rec Plex and tonight was #2 (the first was two weeks ago). My pal Melissa is doing the series with me so I am realizing how much more fun it is to do something like this with a friend (more pressure to actually show up and do it in the first place!). Last time I had a total time of 1:13-ish (300 yards in the pool, 10 miles on the bike, and then 3 miles on the treadmill). Just like this morning, I felt pretty darn good. The swim was a tad bit faster (thanks to my ongoing swimming lessons on Monday nights), the bike was much faster (I had gotten dizzy last time and had to slow down), and I just kicked ass on the treadmill (29:25, a wee bit faster than this morning's run!). My final time was exactly 1:03:00 -- yeah! Both Melissa and I beat our previous times so now we will have to work just as hard to beat our times for the next on (on December 11). I wish I knew why today was such an amazing racing day for me when so many of the other days the past few months have been crap. Dare I hope that my body is FINALLY bouncing back?

I still have about 13-14 Annotated Bibliographies to look at (I HAVE to make sure my students get these back in the morning) but ... this will be a short week! We teach on Monday and Tuesday but then we have the rest of the week off. I am not sure why, but I need a break for a few days. There are some articles that I need to get to for the dissertation and then I need to jump more fully into my coding (the next big step for my dissertation).

A Decision

2011-11-19T19:24:00.003-06:00

So a decision has been made. I spent a good week going back and forth about the job at St Martin's .... but I have decided NOT to apply for the job. It really came down to my friends and former life in Washington vs. the wonderful life that I have here in St Louis (and isn't it sort of a coincidence that both places have a "saint" in them?!). Partly the decision was about money but there was a big part of me dedicated to the community college system and even though I would have loved teaching at St Martin's (a dream I have held for most of my adult life), I think my life has been taken over by the fabulous community college students who have impacted my life in such life-changing ways. Though I never saw myself as "settling" in the mid-west, I think it might be a little too late for that. I have a great job here, along with great friends and colleagues. And I love the history of St Louis, as well as the downtown center of the city (where I live!).

So after struggling with this decision for over a week, was all this energy for nothing? Well, as many folks might say, I learned something from this minor dilemma (apply or not?). First, I know now that I want to actively seek opportunities to be more active in any department that I would ever teach in (as well as in my current position). I have tried so hard to be the best FYC teacher that I can be but I don't think until recently that I recognized a desire to go beyond that -- I know now that I want to help in building an effective first year composition program. I am not sure if this means necessarily being a "leader" in the traditional sense but I want to do something outside of the classroom. And that is really the only quality of my present job that I struggle with (being located outside the "main" campus where I have to make a huge physical effort to get more involved -- and we know that gas prices are getting crazy!). But the actual job itself -- teaching FYC and literature -- that part I love, love, love. I keep wondering now if pursuing a PhD in Educational Leadership wouldn't have been a better idea but I love my work in Rhetoric/ Composition and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be the teacher I am today without my work at SIU (and my idol Dr McClure!).

So here's a plan -- keep working 250% at my job and seek opportunities within the college to play a more active role in shaping the way writing is taught. I have no idea how that will happen. I have often said that I want to be "Howard Tinberg in a dress" so as I finish my own PhD, I need to step up to the plate. (Tinberg is "the most awesomest" composition scholar ever! Here is a link to an article about him: http://mccc-union.org/FACTS/Tinberg/howard_tinberg.html) Somehow I need to devise new strategies to help our students graduate so we can improve the statistic that nearly 2/3 of community college students won't graduate (as discussed in the recent PBS film, Discounted Dreams -- see video below).

If I were to take a position at a four year school -- even an absolutely fabulous one like St Martin's -- I would not be working toward this goal which has ever so slowly become my, I guess you could say, my new dream.

But so I miss home? Absolutely. The seemingly never-ending humidity and the crazy St Louis weather (hot one day, freezing the next) always make me think longingly of our mild Washington weather. Food-wise, I can't seem to embrace the toasted ravioli and the Gooey Butter Cake -- two specialties of St Louis -- but I love St Louis style doughnuts and there is small chocolate shop down the block that makes homemade Hot Chocolate that a person would kill for. I love our neighborhood and the fact that I can walk to yummy restaurants and services like the post office, my doctor, the cleaners, or even Macy's. My students are some of the most wonderful souls that you would ever meet -- genuine academics who seek more knowledge and more life opportunities. And I have some kick ass friends here.

And a bunch back home too. Which is why I need to come "home" more often! I don't know if cancer has made me look at life differently (that seems like the biggest cliche ever!) but I know that I want to make a difference in whatever time I have left on this planet and I think I will be making that difference here in the St Louis area. Part of this plan also means not taking my friends for granted. I love you all and want to see everyone as much as possible. So I suspect that I will be out to Aberdeen in 2012 (Eleanor and Diane -- we have a lot of catching up to do!) and I need to get my full of Greg and Martha/ Tanya/ my second mother Mary and my little sister Amy/ Cheryl and her family/ and everyone else who I miss and admire!

Thanks to anyone reading this. I guess I truly needed this space to figure out what I was thinking ......

Do I Even Apply?

2011-11-10T11:33:00.004-06:00

So how in the heck does time keep flying by so fast?!?! The last time I checked it was the end of October, beginning of November and now here we are nearly at Veteran's Day. Yikes. (and it doesn't help that I am already starting to hear Christmas music!)

I desperately need to write today because I am having a bit of a dilemma. I am thinking about applying for an English position at St Martin's University in Lacey, WA. For those who don't know, I graduated from this fabulous college (back when it was St Martin's College!) in 1991. I have always said that my dream job would be teaching at St Martin's alongside my fabulous mentors and friends Les and Mary. Mary is about to retire and Les, well .... he passed away last December and I don't think I am exactly "over" that even now. Would I still want to be there teaching if these folks aren't there? Are the dreams you have at one point in your life the same dreams that you now have? I don't know if I can answer that (and by hesitating, does that mean that I don't really want this job?).

I like lists so here is a pro/con (to make it simple and didactic!):

Pro:

* I would get to move home (the Pacific Northwest).
* I would get to hang out with cool friends that I never get to see
* I would be teaching students that I would get to interact with for longer than the short amount of time that I do now (since our students transfer to a four year school just when we start having fun!)
* It's a 4/4 load so that is one less class than I am teaching now per semester
* I might have the chance to play an active role in helping to shape a writing program (I didn't notice any rhet/comp folks in the faculty listings)
* Getting a job offer would mean making sure that I finish my dissertation this summer

Cons:

* The deadline for the job application is coming up soon -- I would need three letters of recc. by Nov 21 (just over a week away!) Who would be willing to do this?! Do I let my Dean know?
* My dissertation is not finished. But the job opening does say needed "at time of appointment." So perhaps I would need to have it done sooner to be considered since I am guessing that the appointment would come sometime in the Spring Semester?
* Money -- I am pretty sure I would be taking a pay cut. I would also lose out on a PhD bonus at my school.
* More money -- I suspect the standard of living is going to be higher in WA than where we live now (MO)
* Jim would need to leave his family and the only area he has ever lived -- would his family hate me for "making" him move with me?
* We would have to either sell our wonderful loft or rent it (and that would mean living in a house since the Olympia, WA, area doesn't have the skyline for lofts).
* Logistically, this could be a tough move since we would probably have to do it ourselves.
* What about all my great and fabulous friends here?
* If offered an interview -- these are being done at MLA in Seattle (Late Dec) -- I would need to pay for a plane ticket and hotel costs.
* If offered a position, I don't know 100% how stable SMU is -- I am assuming my job here at SWIC is pretty stable since I am tenured.
* Which means I would have to go through the tenure process again

Questions to ask at a possible interview (and there is no guarantee that I would even get one anyway):

* What is the pay scale?
* How exactly is FYC organized at SMU?
* How active a role can I play in shaping FYC at SMU?
* Is publishing a requirement for every year of teaching?
* How does the tenure process work?
* How much does plain good teaching count?

Given the committee's responses to these questions, would I fit it? Would this be a place that I would enjoy teaching at? I want to be happy. I don't just want to jump ship at SWIC because this job position has been a "dream" for so long. Do I even still want this "dream"? Do I want to teach what I think are primarily traditionally aged students instead of the great diversity I have here in the two-year college system?

I am not the best teacher in the world but I think I am pretty darn okay. I work super hard at what I do and spend lots of time, energy, and even money preparing courses, discussions, activities, and assignments. I would love to have the opportunity to do this for a college that gave me so much when I needed it as a confused, knowledge-thirsty young adult.

How in the World is it November?

2011-11-01T16:28:00.001-05:00

OK, I am not dead. But sometimes I feel like it! This has been a crazy semester -- and when I mean "crazy," I mean "crazy!" The last few weeks have been so hectic that I am pretty tired by about 9 PM and pretty much head to bed, read a little, and then fall asleep! (and for the record, I am reading the BEST novel right now in my "spare time" before falling sleep -- Aravind Adiga's new novel, Last Man in Tower -- he wrote the amazing White Tiger a few years back -- if you haven't read an Indian novel, this is the one to try first! Amazing!). I've been submerged in paper grading with all of my classes that I haven't even had time to focus on my post-prospectus meeting notes and work (I passed earlier this month!). Somehow I need to manage my time better. Seriously. And -- to make matters worse -- not blogging is getting me out of the habit of writing everyday and I need to change that behavior. So here it is -- November 1st and I am committing to getting back at least a little bit of my life so I can write!

Quick Athletic Note: On October 23, I ran the St Louis Rock'n'Roll Marathon and can say that I am pretty sure that I completely recovered now! It wasn't a smart idea to run a marathon with little training but, oh well, when have I ever done the smart thing?! The race was great -- lots of rolling hills (just like St Louis, of course!) but the weather was perfect and the organization of the race was fantastic. I loved the people who came out to watch the race -- and the Sports Expo was great (it's quite possible that I spent a teeny weeny too much money there!) I loved the course (way better than the St Louis Marathon held in the Spring). My time was slow (for me) -- 5:33:15. I wish I could have gone a little faster but I told myself that I would be happy with anything under 6 hours so there you go -- I am happy!

I have a bunch of indoor triathlons coming up -- I need to keep practicing, especially at the St Peter's Rec Plex (because their Olympic size pool scares the crap out of me!). I am hoping to do my first open water tri sometime next year! It will be the swimming which will get me -- water still scares me a bit!

I have another goal to take on this month as well. About 6 weeks ago, Jim and I decided to sign on with a cooperative farming sort of a thing in which we get a weekly delivery of organic fruits and veggies once a week (on Tuesdays). So far, we have used maybe 50% of what they have sent to us (they deliver it right to our front door, by the way!). I hate that we are wasting food but it's so hard to cook when I am not home a lot. But we both need to eat "better" so my new goal is to make sure that we try and use as much as the food that comes in our box as possible. So here goes Week #1. Today, here is what came in our "small" box of organic vegetables and fruits:

1 package of whole mushrooms
1 bunch of bananas
1 red pepper
1 small head of butter lettuce
1 red onion
4 yellow pears
1 package of carrots
1 red tomato
1 avocado
2 oranges
2 apples

So I guess the first thing I need to think about is what do I make with this stuff? We still have some apples and pears left from last week so I am thinking of doing some sort of apple/ pear crisp later this evening. I will probably use the lettuce and the tomato for a salad to bring to work tomorrow (long day since I also teach a night class).

We are more than halfway through this Fall semester and I am looking forward to having some time at the end (around the holidays) to work a bit harder on my dissertation. It is truly hard to work on this while I juggle teaching FT, grading a zillion papers, cleaning our place and keeping it decent, and trying to exercise a bit so I don't go crazy! I know people have done this before but geeze! How do they do it!?

Upcoming Conference = Intellectualism + Rest!

2011-10-05T14:11:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow is an important day for me in the course of completing my dissertation -- I will be presenting my project's prospectus and making sure that all the committee members give me the green light! I actually wrote most of the prospectus more than a year ago, just before my cancer diagnosis, so completing this step is also sort of a symbolic way of saying "Life is back on track." I am a little nervous but I am also excited to get the chance to talk to folks about what I am doing and to get feedback on possible areas that I am neglecting. I was doing a pretty good job there for a few weeks in writing and working on the writing of the dissertation but then .... well, work got in the way. I have been evaluating essays and research steps non-stop for about three weeks now and it's hard to get motivated when I am done just because I am tired. However, tonight -- after my night class -- I will spending time rereading the entire prospectus one more time so I will be able to sound smart and sensible in the morning! :D

So I am off to Carbondale early tomorrow morning (about 2 hours+ from downtown St Louis). Also -- I think Jim and I will be camping this weekend so I will try and bring some articles with me to read -- but I think I might get some "real" time in this next week since I am off to a conference in Ohio -- the Teaching English in the Two-Year College Mid-West Conference in Columbus, Ohio, from October 13-15. I am doing a presentation titled "Writing a New Page as a Composition Instructor: Race in the Writing Classroom." Nothing new here since this is pretty much the research that I have been working on. I will be leaving on Thursday morning to make the trek to Columbus from here in St Louis (8-ish hours I think?) but the conference doesn't officially start until Friday morning. This means, of course, that I will have a quiet evening in the hotel to work on the dissertation -- and a bunch of time on Friday -- hopefully! There are some sessions in the program that look interesting but I will spend any free time just "being a student." It's so much easier to do that when you are away from home. The conference pretty much ends on Saturday at about noon and I will then reverse my trek and head home to St Louis (and this is how I will be spending my birthday! But -- no fears -- a friend who will be going to the same conference said that there is an IKEA on route! I sense a stop coming up! A birthday treat for myself!).

And I need a break. Conferences are so great for picking up new ideas but I am also recognizing that I am just plain tired and it's not even the middle of the semester yet! I think that teaching the extra classes -- and heading up the honors program -- is a lot for me right now, not even counting the dissertation writing and the sporting events. So a few night of doing "nothing" (though I am sure I will have some papers to grade) will do my body "good."

St Peter's Rec Plex Fall Triathlon

2011-10-03T20:12:00.010-05:00

Here I am (with eyes closed!) hanging out with Amanda, the cool guru of triathlons at Fleet Feet Sports!

So the St Peter's Rec Plex Fall Triathlon was yesterday morning (Oct 2). And I finished! My overall time last year was 2:34:41. This year is was a wee bit faster at 2:24:24. I am excited that I shaved 10 minutes off but .... I finished in 10th place out of 11 women in my age group so it would have been nicer to have finished a little higher (OK, shoot me for being ambitious!).

Let's start with the swim! It is 500 meters in a Olympic-sized pool, a daunting task for me since I am a little afraid of the water. But, I have been working with a swim coach to help me with my Freestyle stroke and I shaved a few minutes of the swim this year (14:48 this year compared to last year's 18:02). It was a bit cold yesterday morning but the pool was nice and warm! (and since I had an early entry number -- #10 -- I got in the pool a little early and warmed up before the race started). A swimmer started every 15 seconds (it was a Serpetine swim) and once I got started, I remembered everything my coach said ... for about half the course. One, I got tired and, two, I saw the bottom of the pool and panicked a little. I got myself under control pretty quickly but it took almost the second half of the pool section of the race for me to get my rhythm back. And I was so delighted when I saw that I was on the last lap!

Out I went ... into the freezing cold outside! I decided to forgo the running tights I had brought to put on after the swim and just kept with my short tri bottoms but I did throw a long sleeved shirt on over my tri top. I then quickly changed into my bike shoes and threw on my helmet and ran through the tranistiion area with my bike. Once I crossed the line, I jumped on my bike! I got about a hundred feet or so when I realized that there was a problem -- my front tire was flat!

Damn. Jim and I had just fiddled with the tires before starting so I couldn't believe that there was a problem! I managed to jump off the bike and run back to the transition area (clicking like crazy in my bike shoes!) and, thankfully, Jim was there to reach over the fence to my stuff (yeah for thinking ahead on that one!) and grab the bike pump. Within a minute or two, Jim had me going again but both of us were not so sure that I was going to make 20 miles on that tire.

But I did! I knew I had a CO2 pump in my seat bag but I managed to make it back to the transition area after a pretty uneventful (but windy!) bike ride. After 20 miles, I couldn't feel my toes or my fingers! (it was pretty cold!). But the new bike helped me out -- even with the initial flat, my time this year was 1:22:50 compared to last year's 1:28:41. The HUGE SHOCK, though, was when I came into the transition area I saw two faces I wasn't expecting to see -- one of my best pals, Peggy, and my fabulous friend/ neighbor, Laura! And then I saw Bill (Laura's husband!) standing near Jim and Stella! (Gene, Peggy's husband, had apparently gone to the bathroom!). How cool! I had a fan group!

Jim had called everyone a few weeks ago, he told me later, so that I could have a group of people at my last triathlon of the season. I was so happy and excited -- but also nervous that these poor folks would be mad at me for having to stand out in the cold waiting for me! But how cool was it to have these fabulous people there at the finish line!

I couldn't say much, as you might guess, as I had to change to my running gear and typing shoe laces is pretty darn hard when your fingers are frozen. My "posse" was able to stand near the fence and talk to me but since no one is allowed in the transition area but the athletes, I was on my own to make the transition to running. After what seemed like too long, I started the run and the first mile was hell. There is just no other way to describe it. My feet felt like frozen blocks and I couldn't even feel my ankles.

But then after a tough 4.5 miles, I stumbled across the finish line to find even more familiar faces! (with a time of 46:46 compared to last year's 47:58) Jim and Chan brought their fantastic five year old Odessa and their puppy Winslow, and my Aunt Nancy and Uncle Mike were there, and moments later we were joined by my Uncle Ray and his grandson (my cousin) little Noah. I don't know if these folks know how much that meant to me. It was so cool to see all these folks there, telling me what a good job I had done! :D

That's me in the green shirt coming into the finish chute!

So I have goals for next year -- more practice with running after biking (that part gets me every single time!) and more serious work on swimming (my slowest component). Next year I also want to try an outdoor tri that includes an open-water swim. That scares me more than anything but I want to give it a shot!

And as a fabulous bonus, I bumped into Melissa, the great runner from the Millstadt Biathlon, who helped me finish! She is so nice -- I hope we can run together some more! It is always easier when you have someone to train with! :D

I want to make these folks at Fleet Feet proud! They have helped me so much in all my athletic endeavors!

Friday Afternoon Musing

2011-09-30T14:10:00.000-05:00

Damn. I was really hoping to get up early this morning and go for a run but that did not happen! But ... I did manage to get up twice this week at 5 AM so I guess that is an improvement! This has been a busy week -- but don't I say that all the time? I am doing this new little activity in my research classes (in an effort to make the research projects better and more exciting/ interesting for the students) but it requires me to do a ton more work. In a nutshell, there is always a constant flow of papers between me and the students -- so I can help them stay on track and nip any problems in the bud ASAP. Here is an example of just one of the exercises the ENG 102 students have done in the last couple of days: students always tell me that they know how to Google, how to search the internet for information (stuff outside of the academic electronic databases). But I don't think this is always true. So students had to use a search engine to find relevant information for their ongoing projects. If they couldn't find anything, they had to tell me what search terms they had used. As I am looking through their responses yesterday, I discovered exactly what I suspected. Most of them said there was nothing on the internet. And I find it's usually the search terms that are to blame!

For example, one student was looking for information on the families of drunk drivers. She is doing research on being the wife of someone arrested for a DUI and how the media/news/etc never talks about the problems that her family is now having (financial, etc) as a result of her husband's DUI (which she doesn't excuse at all). She searched all over the internet and found nothing. And of course she is going to have trouble using search terms like "DUI" and "victim" and "affect." But if she had used a search phrase like "drunk driver's family" (both with and without the quotation marks) there is a bunch of stuff related to her topic! So that is what I am trying to teach these "young" folks -- how to play with search terms and find information.

I have about 60 students in three ENG 102 classes so it took me awhile to go through their projects and then help the ones who were struggling with the search terms they were using. As you might imagine, that took awhile. But I needed to get these back to my students today (they just gave them to me on Wed) so I can continue the flow of dialog between us -- and they can work on the next piece of the puzzle (using the electronic databases via the SWIC Library to do the same thing).

No huge plans for the weekend but I do have my last outdoor triathlon of the season on Sunday (over at the St Peter's Rec Plex). We swim inside (and I will be curious to see if my swimming lessons will help me!) and then bike about 22 miles outside and then about 5 miles of running (also outside). I did this same exact course last fall so I will be curious to see if my time is faster (esp. with the new bike). The good part is that I signed up months ago so I have a great start time -- about 16 minutes after the official green light starts. I've done this this event before and been one of the last folks in the water and then, by the time I go across the finish line, everyone is gone. If I work hard during the race, I should finish with folks still milling about! And I just hope to the great spirit in the sky that it is NOT raining! The last race I did (about 2-3 weeks ago) was a soggy mess and I want to really try and push my bike (which I don't feel comfortable doing since I am terrified that I am going to slip!).

A Relaxing Weekend!

2011-09-25T18:38:00.003-05:00

Well, I didn't get everything done this weekend that I wanted to get done -- namely, reading a whole bunch of summaries and responses from my ENG 102 sections. But I did get a chance to relax a bit which is something I don't do nearly enough of! I know my students are going to want their work back tomorrow but they will just have to wait another day or two. I always make sure folks get their papers back within a week so I am still safe since these students just submitted their work on Friday (but I know they are waiting for my comments since the next part of their research is due late this next week -- so I will make sure to get them back on Wednesday).

Yesterday afternoon we took advantage of the great weather and took Stella over to Queeny Park -- we managed to get in about 3-ish miles of walking and Stella got to play in her favorite pond.

And then last night, we popped over to the "Taste of St Louis" event here in downtown St Louis and munched on some yummy food with some pals (and we even got a sneak peek inside the new Peabody Opera House which I suspect is going to give the Fox Theater a run for its money! Click here to get more information on the Peabody). Jim and I went back to the "Taste of St Louis" for lunch this afternoon after spending an entire morning in a bike repair class at Urban Shark (a spin off of the popular Urban Shark store on Delmar in the Loop). Brian, our instructor, taught us how to change a tire and I did it over and over again this morning so I am feeling pretty good right now about my ability to do this once I am on the tri course (and this has been one of my biggest fears!). By the time we left the class, I decided to get some work done on my bike which Brian said that could finish in just an hour or two -- get a new chain on my bike (since mine was a little stretched out) and get my handlebars wrapped in new tape (the original tape was white and it was pretty dirty looking). They also took off the mirror that has been bugging me when I ride so now my bicycle is all ready for the upcoming St Peter's Rex Plex Fall Triathlon next Sunday (I also went ahead and picked up the equipment I would need to fix a flat on my own, including two extra tubes).

After walking around the "Taste of St Louis" (and consuming a HUGE cupcake from "The Cup," my favorite bakery over in the Central West End), we decided to run by our place and pick up Stella and take her over to Eckert's Farm (in Belleville, IL) and pick up some freshly picked apples. Yummy! I got a ton of apples, some fresh plums, and huge container of apple cider (OK, and a bottle of wine but that is already gone!).

So I am feeling okay but I admit there is a part of me that is still a little sad. I am guessing that my co-workers on the other campuses didn't know how much I wanted this because I haven't really heard from anyone. So this was my bad -- I guess I needed to be more vocal that I had decided that being a department chair was something I wanted to do (honestly, after being sort of talked into it originally). I didn't think to "campaign" or to let my wonderful colleagues know that I wanted to do this, that I wanted to change campuses and take on a new challenge. So I suppose if I have learned anything from this adventure it is that I need to be more pro-active. I need to not just go along with the flow.

I am not sure what is going to happen in future gatherings. I am still awfully embarrassed about the whole thing (maybe I shouldn't be but someone beating me who has worked only a few years compared to my 12+ -- and program responsibilities -- hurts a bit). I am not saying that I am "all that" (and I am sure the person who won will do a fantastic job) but I just thought that this was the next step for me -- I wanted it. Perhaps I just need to get over the whole thing but it still feels like I was pushed to the side and I am not sure what I did wrong.

Sunny Saturday

2011-09-24T11:31:00.003-05:00

How can it be almost the end of September already?! But -- it is a sunny, beautiful Saturday outside (but only maybe in the low 60's) and Jim and I are going to take Stella out for a walk in just a little while at Castlewood State Park (just a little southwest of downtown St Louis). I slept really well last night -- something that hasn't always been happening recently -- and was even pretty wide awake when I worked/ volunteered at the Hope Clinic for Women here in Granite City (I am actually in my office right now finishing up some paperwork that needed to be done -- but no fears! I will be leaving soon!). We had a busy morning but I always feel like I am helping the staff more on mornings like this and that makes me feel good! I have some papers to grade for my ENG 102 students (summaries and responses) and some reading to do for my Non-Western Literature class (they are reading Dalia Sofer's The Septembers of of Shiraz) but both should be things I can do relatively quickly at some point this weekend. I need to re-read my dissertation prospectice (since the defense of that is coming up in less than two weeks) and I have some more articles to read related to my research.

So I am doing fine. I admit I spent the last few days in tears but what are you going to do? I love my job and so I will just focus on that -- and my research -- and try not to worry about anything else. I had a good group session this past Thursday night at the "Transitions" (post cancer) support group (after a horrible session the week before) and realized that, yes, I am pretty angry that cancer took away a lot of the work I had been doing on a physical level -- I can't seem to get my butt running like I used to and -- when I do -- my times are way off and that just makes me feel old and depressed. But I think I just need to "own" those feelings and go on. I need to do something -- being all sad about it isn't making me feel any better.

So I am about to enter Stella in a contest -- Stray Rescue (where we adopted her from back in 2008) is having an essay contest to find the one dog who will be the "spokesdog" for Stray Rescue and be featured on an area billboard. I am not very good at writing things this but here goes! I am not at all expecting to win but I figure some dog has to and I will always wonder "what if?" Thus, this is what I will be sending in on Monday:

Why Stella Should Be a Stray Rescue Spokesdog!

We adopted Stella in 2008, right after noticing her picture on the Stray Rescue web site. I was hoping for a running partner while my husband was looking for a new “pal,” since the dog he had raised before we had married had died of old age four years earlier. But we got more than that with Stella – in 2010, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and Stella became my “cancer buddy.” She slept with me during those long days of treatment and didn’t even seem to mind that we weren’t heading out for our usual 5-7 mile runs. Earlier this year, once my treatment was completed, we went right back to marathon training. It might be my imagination but Stella appears more “concerned” about my health – during our runs she licks my legs while we wait at traffic lights and she keeps attention to any “obstacles” along the way – squirrels, rabbits, sticks.

Stella started her life on the streets of St Louis but, thanks to Stray Rescue, she has become my friend and health advocate. Not only do we run together, but she goes on long weekly hikes with me and my husband and even keeps the cat active by chasing her around the house (in a playful way!). My husband has done agility training with her and she has learned to jump hurdles, power through tunnels, and walk the balance beam. We live in downtown St Louis – above the very streets where she once roamed – and Stella is the perfect example of a St Louis city dog and stray spokesdog advocate! She is a mix of Border Collie/ Shepherd/ Chow (as far as we can tell); because of this peculiar mix, people are always asking us what exactly she is. I always proudly respond that she is a mixed breed and that we got her from the wonderful folks at Stray Rescue. Shy when we first adopted her, Stella never meets a stranger and sends a good message to other city dwellers that adopting a stray dog is the only way to obtain a new pet.

Bad News

2011-09-21T15:45:00.000-05:00

So in just a few minutes I have to teach my night class even though I am just not in the mood to do it. I should note that wednesdays are always a long day for me -- lots of teaching (including a night class) and today I had an additional meeting to add to the chaos so I have been a bit on the busy side (this whole semester has been busy, busy, busy). The last few days have been particularily tough for a couple of reasons. I just sent back the first round of essays to all of my ENG 101 students and there have been, to put it lightly, a lot of complaints. Mostly, folks are not happy about the way that I grade (I write too much or I write too little or I point out misspellings and they already know that they spelled the word wrong). On some level, I know that what I am doing is right but sometimes it is hard to be strong about it all the time. There is, in fact, a part of me that wants to be liked by my students. Don't they know how much of my life I sacrifice for them? I buy (good) candy, I grade papers while I am out to dinner, I am always reading books and web sites to figure out more interesting lesson plans. Don't they know that I care?

And now that feeling has spilled over to my department. After a lot of thought, I decided to run for department chair and that didn't work out at all. I just got the email announcing the winner. I am positive that this person will be fabulous at the job but I guess this was a challenge that I wanted, something I was starting to look forward to. It would have meant a huge change -- switching to another campus -- but I was thinking that I had all these ideas to implement to make our department stronger and even more effective (perhaps making regular visits to the other campuses so folks don't feel disconnected like I often have; or maybe a newsletter that we can use to swap pedagogical ideas and news?). But I lost. And it hurts. I am not even sure why since the person who won will do a great job but I truly thought this was going to be the next step in my career. I work hard at being a professional in the sense of reading all the journals in the field and attending conferences and publishing articles and reviews. I am absolutely not saying that this makes someone a good department chair but I was ready for the next step (I think this is what I am trying to say). And now there is no next step. I have been working at my college for 12 years (and almost another 10 before that at other schools) and nowI feel like this is the voice of the universe saying that this is as far as I will ever be able to go. Maybe that is not true but that is how it feels. I love being a teacher but I thought I could work on my leadership skills so I could become an even better teacher.

Writing this helps (and don't we English teachers always say this anyway?!). I know that I need to go to class and do my absolute best to help 20 working adults get better at writing a research paper. Right now, the students are working on their "sand boxes" which is my (made up) word for a work space where they write their topics and research question(s) and then jot down search terms (think of a sandbox space where someone can draw and build and then tear it all down and start over if it doesn't work the first time). I ask students to open a Microsoft Word document and keep this "space" open as they start "playing with" their potential topics and questions. I use this same approach with my research and, hopefully, my students find it a helpful way to get started and stay motivated.

So there you go. That's me at 3:40 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, just before I walk into my 4 PM class. I am trying not to take this whole election thing personal but it just feels like no one likes me (isn't that a sad high school thing to say?). I need a tougher skin.

The Rainy Millstadt Biathlon!

2011-09-18T13:21:00.001-05:00

Well, this morning was the very wet (and slightly chilly) 2011 Millstadt Biathlon. So, instead of participating in swimming, biking, and running, this morning I only had to compete in two of these events: biking and running!

Millstadt is on the Illinois side of the river, near Belleville, but out in the sticks (for lack of a better description!). The race started at 8 AM but I have learned that if you don't get there early, you might not get a (good) spot for your bike, so I was up at 5:30 AM and I got there about 6:45 AM (after getting slightly lost!). Jim just bought a new bike rack to go with the new hitch that we just had installed on our new car (the European styled 2012 Ford Focus in shiny red!). So this was my first time using a bike rack and it was so much easier than shoving my bike inside a car (often taking off at least one of the tires to make it fit!).

Once I checked in and got a spot for my bike, I decided to warm up by jogging around the park where the biathlon started and eventually I fell into conversation with two other women about triathloning. One of the women, Melissa, I actually ended up talking to throughout the running portion of the race (I need to thank her for getting me through at a quick pace -- for me! -- and providing some entertainment along the way!).

When the run portion started, it wasn't raining but it didn't take too long for the rain to start pouring off-and-on during the entire 5 miles. The great news, though, is that I felt ... well, great! My body (for not having a lot of mileage under my running shoes) felt pretty okay and I didn't have to stop once during the entire 52:19 (again, partly thanks to Melissa!).

Once the biking started, the rain had stopped so I was able to get about 12-15 miles in with clear weather but wet roads. I love, love, love this new tri racing bike but I am still hesitant when it comes to steep downhills -- everyone else is getting their speed going and I am actually being a dork and hitting the breaks. Especially with the wet roads, I was just terrified of falling. I figure with the clip pedals, it is going to take me so much longer to respond as my bike tilts and slides on the ground.

But even with the breaking, I was absolutely delighted that I was actually passing person after person! Each time I would note a target ahead of us (I am including my super cool bike!), we went for it and passed that person (who was often a guy!). And we just kept on going, even when the rain started coming down in bucketfuls! And when I say it was raining, I mean it was raining raining. At one point it was getting hard to see in front of me but I just tucked my head in and slowed down a little (and said a silent prayer that no cars were coming since it was an open course). And before I knew it -- just as I was settling into some speed -- I could see the finish line ahead. The time when I went under the banner was 2:16:17 -- a time I am happy with (I figured anything under 3 hours was going to be great for today!).

The second part of my morning adventure was moving all my wet-soaked equipment back to the car and then going back and grabbing my bike since I couldn't do it all in one trip. I decided not to stick around since the rain was coming down even heavier and I knew I was going to start feeling cold before too long (and it didn't help that I didn't think to bring any dry clothes with me -- all I had were two towels). I did have some trouble finding a way out of the parking lot (lots of cars who arrived after me had parked all over the place) but soon I was on my way and headed the 25 minutes back to downtown St Louis. Which was yet another adventure. I actually got pretty lost in East St Louis but I knew I was headed north so I figured I would run into the highway at some point. And I did! But I do need to return to some of the spots I saw in East St Louis because I am fascinated with old, abandoned buildings and I saw a few on my way to the highway (I really need to dig around for a good book on the history of this whole area so I can know a little more about this adopted home of mine!).

What?! It's the Middle of September?!

2011-09-15T07:38:00.007-05:00

(the picture above is from the recent Sunset Hills Triathlon -- easily the hardest tri I have done EVER -- the bike course was hilly beyond description!)

For some reason, I am just swamped and I have no idea when I will be able to climb out of this mess of essays, paperwork, and projects!

So here is an update on the busy life of Dianna :

1. I have 5 full classes of ENG 101 and ENG 102 students this semester -- and I am experimenting with some new ways of assessing their writing in an effort to make the courses more relevant -- and fun! But ... it appears I might be making even more work for myself.

2. In addition, I have one full class of LIT 205: Non-Western Literature -- which is my literature specialty but I am using a bunch of new novels (again, in an effort to make more connections with my students!). My students are fabulous in all of these classes (at least, so far!) but I feel like I am only a day or two ahead of them in terms of the workload and the reading. I am experimenting with letting them have my cell phone number this semester so they can call and/ or text. And they have been taking me up on it! Nothing major but I am finding myself using and checking my phone more often.

3. I am forcing myself to write 750 words a day on this fantastic web site, www.750words.org. At the moment I am on a 10 day writing streak (you get badges for certain milestones which totally fits in to Dianna's whole competitive streak!). Anyway, on a few of the days (since Sept 1) I have written nothing of any significance but I have had some breakthroughs with writing for the dissertation and so, obviously, I hope that continues! And when I don't write early enough in the day, I get emails from the web site reminding me to write! I need this kind of pressure!

4. I just started working with a swimming coach this past week (on Monday nights). I actually signed up for a lap swimming class with this coach but I am the only person who signed up so it's sort of like having a private lesson. In just 20 minutes of lesson #1 she already had me swimming way better than I have ever swam in my entire life! Since I have never really had a swimming lesson, I think this will go a long way in getting me more prepared for kicking butt in triathlons! And it's fun -- something I never thought I would ever say about swimming! (if you don't know, I have been slightly afraid of water since I have been an adult)

5. I attended my last support group meeting for folks with cancer last week. This was a tough moment for me as I have grown close to so many of the people in this fabulous group. If there has been any silver lining to cancer, I suppose this was it -- the chance to meet wonderful, kind folks I would have never met. Thankfully, several of them I can still talk to on Facebook and I have started sending weekly cards and letters to one of the great people there who is dealing with a cancer recurrence (I know my Chemo angels were so great to me -- now it's my chance to give back a little!).

But group is not quite over for me -- I just started a "Cancer Transitions" group that will meet for the next 5 weeks (three hours on Thursday nights). This group has a specific focus each week (i.e. nutrition, exercise post-cancer) and meets, oddly enough, at the very same place I had my radiation treatments (St Louis Cancer and Breast Institute out in West County). So far, I like the group -- almost all breast cancer survivors and friendly folks. And to make me feel a teeny better -- I am one of the youngest so that makes me feel pretty good! (and these women are super sweet so it's sort of like having 15 adopted grandmothers!)

6. I still work almost every Saturday morning at the women's clinic in Granite City. It's not getting any easier for women to walk into an abortion clinic and so I find working there (helping the staff and the clients) to be something that I just feel compelled to do. I respect every one's opinion on this matter but I still think it's important to have a choice. (anyway, I have been at the clinic for about 4 years now!).

7. I am participating in a Learning Circle at work that is devoted to the topic of white privilege -- and I will be leading one myself soon (one that will be devoted to the book, What's Liberal about the Liberal Arts: Classroom Politics and 'Bias' in Higher Education .by Michael Berube). Both of these discussion opportunities are related to my dissertation and I am just simply delighted to get the opportunity to talk and expand my own thinking on these subjects. But ... there is a bunch of reading and thinking to do!

8. I am trying to get back to my "normal" 5 AM workouts in the morning. Pre-cancer, these were generally not a problem but perhaps my body is not back to 100% and/ or perhaps the medications I am taking are causing problems but ... getting up is not an easy task in the morning. However, I made it work twice this week so that's at least a step in the right direction. (and our pooch Stella enjoyed our run this morning! It was even a little chilly! Yeah! Fall is here!)

9. I am trying to clean my office -- which is just plain messy. I hate not being able to find anything and students have to push things out of the way just to sit down and talk with me. Not good.

10. I am not happy just sitting still, so it seems like my schedule quickly fills up with running and tri activities, dinner out with friends, and scholastic meetings and conferences. Sometimes I wish I were better at just being bored but I know that is not me. It's just not the way that my brain works.

Anyhoo -- I am hoping that the prospectus meeting for my dissertation is soon (early Oct) and I really, really, really, really need to use this blog more often to talk through the crazy mind of me!

PS: I just added a widget (on the right) for my Daily Mile account so I have a place to share what I am doing exercise-wise. I figure it might make me more ambitious!

Bonus Pictures!

2011-09-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

Dianna the Geisha!

2011-09-01T13:46:00.009-05:00

As promised, here are a few more pictures from Japan! Jim and I (and our good friends Greg and Martha) stopped for about 5 days in Kyoto, Japan (the old capital) and Martha had suggested that we dress up like Maiko, apprentice geisha. What a blast! (and this is coming from someone who doesn't wear that much makeup!). So here are some pics from that (hot) day:

The interesting part of this whole experience was how "famous" I became -- at least for an hour or so. After a professional photo shoot inside a studio, Martha and I were able to walk around and take pics with our husbands. Most foreign women do not do this so we sorta stuck out -- everyone kept asking if they could take pictures of us. I guess this is how Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt feel, eh?

Anyway -- it was fun! The wig was incredibly heavy, the makeup started to run in the heat, and the kimono was tight but ... it was still a great experience!

Where is Dissertation Girl?!

2011-08-30T08:39:00.004-05:00

Yes, I have been a very bad blogger girl. How did work get so busy so fast?! (I mean the semester literally just started and I am already way behind!). I do want to update this blog with some more Japan pictures (and I keep thinking that this is something I want to take my time doing, you know, when I actually can sit down for longer than five minutes!). And I even have some dissertation updates to share ...

But first -- I did another triathlon this past Sunday in Sunset Hills, MO. Two weeks ago I did one in Alligator Creek -- way out in O'Fallon, MO, and I made the rookie mistake of forgetting my bike helmet. Luckily, there was a Walmart nearby that was open at 6 AM so I was able to dash in and grab one before my start time (and, again, luckily my start time was not in the first 3o minutes!). That race only got worse (it was like forgetting my helmet was a bad sign!) since the race course was extremely hilly and -- along with the humidity -- I felt pretty "wasted" early on. But it was the first race that I got to use my new racing bike (see picture below!) and that part went well! I feel much faster on this bike than my clunky ol' mountain bike and I think I came in something like 4th on the bike in my age group.

When I finished I almost stumbled and fell at the finish line -- I had to sit down for about 30 minutes before I could do anything else. My energy levels were basically depleted. But I finished in just over two hours so I was feeling pretty great.

The race this past Sunday in Sunset Hills had even more hills. I mean Hills with a capital "H" -- I had to bike the same course 5 times so I got to know those hills well. I was feeling pretty good as I waited to jump in the outdoor pool -- I even imagined the water was going to be pretty cold (which it wasn't). I got through the 400 yards (not easily like usual for me in the water) and then jumped on my super cool bike. On the second lap around the course, I started to feel a bit dizzy and sick. This was the first time ever that I thought "I can't do this. I have to stop." But ... somehow I dug deep and kept going. And then I had to throw on my running shoes and somehow finish the 5K run (which was stressing me out as I finished my last lap or two of the bike -- how in the heck was I going to finish??). By this time, it was pretty hot and humid. I had to do some serious power walking in the first mile, but somehow -- once again -- I managed to dig deep and finish. My time was bad -- I was something like 12th out of 18 women in the 40-49 age group. But I had wanted to finish before 2 hours and 30 minutes and I did do that -- the final time was 2:18:47. Again, just like at Alligator Creek, I literally could not move for about 15 minutes after finishing. I was just pretty spent of all energy.

Jim said he would come along to the next triathlon so that makes me happy -- it would be cool to have folks cheering you on like I see with other participants. I know my sport is boring for an audience (Look! There she goes!) but it does help to have someone cheering you on! When Jim is there, I think I even try harder because I want him to be proud of me.

Anyway -- the next big triathlon (the last of the season for me) is on October 2. I also have a biathlon in September (Yeah! No swimming!) but everything else for the rest of 2011 will be foot races (including the upcoming Rock'n'Roll Marathon here in October).

Race Info Updated

2011-08-12T14:43:00.000-05:00

I just updated my racing schedule so if you click "Upcoming Races" you should see all the information there. I don't know if anyone is reading this but it keeps me organized and perhaps it will be useful when I start to compare times for next year!

Bad Blogger Girl

2011-08-12T12:30:00.009-05:00

I have to apologize for my lack of updating. We came back after almost a month in Japan and I was pretty exhausted! BUT -- we had a fabulous time which I will try and detail in the next few blog entries! We basically spent part of the first week visiting some friends and then met our great friends Greg and Martha in Tokyo and then we all traveled together for the next two weeks.

So, like I said, we spent most of the first week of our holiday in Chiba Prefecture, which is the area I lived in during the 1990's for about three years. As you can see from the map below, Chiba City (where I taught) is pretty close to Tokyo (about an hour and a half from the heart of Tokyo):

at one point, we even drove by my old school and apartment which was odd because I thought they I would never see those places again! (but I do have to say that I spent happy, happy years teaching in Chiba!) We stayed with my fabulous (and gorgeous) friend Katsuyo and her delightful sons, Kehiro and Atsuto (her husband, Nao, was in Thailand on a business trip). During one of the days of our village we went to the new bridge connecting Chiba Prefecture and the other side of Tokyo Bay (i.e. Yokohama) -- the Tokyo Bay Aqua Line. With an overall length of 14 km, it includes a 4.4 km bridge and 9.6 km tunnel underneath the bay—the fourth-longest underwater tunnel in the world. I didn't think a bridge could be all that exciting but it was pretty cool. Once you go over the bridge -- but before you go below in the tunnel -- there is an "oasis" island that sits in the middle of the Bay. Here is a picture of Katsuyo and I chilling on the windy "island"!

We also got to meet up with Katsuyo's wonderful parents who really helped me so much when I was living in Chiba (I remember one time when I had the flu and her mother sent over lots of soup and yummy food). We went to a restuarant that serves shabu-shabu, which is sort of like fondue. You cook your meat in a hot pot and then put it in a variety of dipping sauces. Let me just say that we both ate so much that we were feeling pretty full for days!

Staying with friends the first few days was such a great idea, I think. It gave Jim a chance to acclimate himself a little to the Japanese culture and I had the chance to catch up with my friend. Katsuyo took us to lots of cool places and here are just a few images from some of the shrines and temples we visited:

Anyway, now that school is about to start and I will get into a more regular schedule, I promise to continue the story of our journey over the next couple of days!

Tokyo Bound!

2011-07-04T10:19:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update to my poor, neglected blog!

We are leaving later today for Dallas/ Ft Worth were we will stay the night at the airport and then on to Tokyo (Narita) in the morning. We will be gone for about three weeks and I am hoping that I will have the opportunity to update with some pictures as we have adventures! (we are thinking about renting a wi-fi hotspot for our time that we are there).

I am also going to Tokyo not knowing the results of the MRI I had on Thursday. I am sure that the scan will come back with news of everything being all clear so I refuse to let this inhibit me from having a great vacation! (and I will try and call the doc's office in the morning from Dallas before we board our Tokyo flight). Unfortunately, neither of our cell phones will work in Japan so they can't call me with the update.

One other small bit of news -- we took our older cat Zora to the vet on Saturday so we could get a renewal of her medication for her thyroid problem. They ran some blood work while we were there and it looks like Zora has the beginning of Kidney disease (which explains why she has been obsessed with water). The good news, though, is that it has been caught early and she could still live a long, happy life (she's 14). I sure hope so.

And that's about it. We are off to have a grand adventure -- and Jim has never been to Japan so this will be a huge adventure for him! -- and I am hoping I remember enough Japanese from my 4 years of living there back in the 90's!

Sayonara!

Wednesday: And the Adventures Continue ...

2011-06-29T21:23:00.001-05:00

So this has been one of "those" weeks. The great part has been that one of my very best buddies is visiting from Washington state (my home!) -- Tanya (along with her daughter, Leanna) and I have been eating our way around St Louis and it has been a blast! The weather has even been on the cooler side so they haven't been dying from the humidity (well, maybe they have complained a little but this is totally understandable because the 80 degree+ weather we are having this week is almost unheard of in our hometown!). We spent a fabulous day at the St Louis Zoo the other day and I was reminded of how cool it is that we have this zoo in our city (and it's free!). The penguins rock!

So it's great to have an old friend around because you spend half the time reminiscing on all the great fun you had when you were younger (and we had a ton of good times back in the 80s!). It was especially great to have a friend come in to town the day after Bailey died. I still find myself looking for him around the house, sort of not believing that he is gone. Since Bailey and Zora were sort of my first pets to have totally on my own, I guess this was an experience that was going to happen at some point but I didn't feel ready for it to happen just now. But -- I know that I will never ever forget Bailey for the rest of my life. He was my boy.

I'm glad Tanya was here to distract me from Bailey's death and Monday's mammogram. I was expecting the nurse to come out after my mammogram and say, "All great! See you next year!" I think the biggest shock for me was that this is NOT what she said -- it was more like "Dianna, we need to do an ultrasound on your left breast." What! It was my right breast that had the breast cancer -- is my left just looking for a little bit of attention?!

The nurse couldn't get a good reading on the breast so she had a doctor come in and she couldn't get a good reading either so they scheduled me for an MRI on Thursday morning. I am not going to worry too much about this -- it seems like, because I have dense breast tissue, getting an MRI is a typical response. And at least the MRI will make me feel better that there is absolutely no cancer at all in either of my breasts :>

Bailey, My Boy

2011-06-26T09:29:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was a tough day. We had to put my 12 year old Maine Coon, Bailey, to sleep. This was the first time I ever had to put a pet to sleep -- but I am guessing that it doesn't make it any easier even if you have had this experience before. Bailey was in pretty good health until about 2 years ago when we discovered that he had a herniated liver. Since he had not experienced any blunt force trauma, the vet told us that he was probably born with it. Anyway, this condition did not stop him from being the free spirit that he was -- Bailey had the gift of getting in trouble. He never acted his age! He liked to chew wires (computer wires especially!), eat flowers and plants (so I could never keep flowers around), chew boxes, lick plastic bags at 2 AM in the morning, cry loudly in the morning for "fresh" kibble (not the "old" kibble from the previous day), and push things off the top of the fridge. Once, before I met Jim and I was living alone, he somehow managed to open the freezer and pushed out everything onto the kitchen floor, ruining $20 worth of ice cream (which was a lot to me at the time!).

About a year ago, Bailey would start going to the bathroom outside his litter box every now and then. And then 6 months ago, he started doing it once or twice a week. We took him to two different vets and did every test and suggestion they encouraged us to do. Nothing worked. In the last two weeks, things got even worse with the bathroom issues happening every day (or even twice a day). At this point, the only test we had not done was a $800 biopsy. We just couldn't do it. If he did indeed have cancer -- which was what I suspected -- we couldn't have done the chemo and radiation for him (not just the expense but it's hard to justify spending that on a cat when there are so many uninsured people out there). So we brought him to the vet yesterday, me hoping that there was one last thing that the vet might be able to suggest.

No dice. So we made the decision to euthanize him and the whole time I was thinking that this action made me a "cat murderer." If he had been really, really, really sick, then I think it would have been an easier decision but the fact that he was OK most of the time made this a hard call. Yes, he was in pain when he went to the bathroom, but it was hard to tell if he were uncomfortable any other time.

The vet took him back and put an IV in his front left arm and then she came and put him in my lap. She then gave him something that was like a sedative and then she followed that up with the one that stopped his heart. Since he was on my lap, I was petting him and could only see the top of his head. I know I was crying pretty hard and trying to tell him what a good boy he was and that I was sorry that we couldn't do anything else for him. The vet was sitting on the floor so she saw him at eye level and at some point she said that he was gone. I had a hard time believing that at first because he felt so warm and usual (like he was just taking a nap on my lap). But then she checked his heart and confirmed he was gone. It was so surreal that he was gone that fast. The vet then said that we could spend some time with him but I couldn't do that. So she took him out of the room (very gently I noticed) and that was the end.

I miss Bailey. I know that he would have just gotten worse and possibly be in more pain but I still miss him tremendouly. He was my boy even before I knew Jim. And he was named after my friend Les who died in December. Somehow it just doesn't seem fair that they are both gone just like that.

A Productive Day!

2011-06-20T22:29:00.002-05:00

Whew ... I have been working all day (on and off) on my literature review for the dissertation and I can say I am now officially over 20 pages (which really doesn't sound like that much in the grand scheme of things) but it's a start. And I think the emotional issues I have been experiencing were kicked to the curb a little bit. You see, there is this huge debate that is crucial to understanding my research (the infamous Hairston/ Berlin debate). For some reason, as I have been working on this discussion the last few weeks, I have struggled to articulate what it is that I am actually trying to say -- even the simple "this is what she said/ this is what he said." Anyway, I think I may have worked out some of the mind crap going on because I managed to work with the material pretty closely today and get something down on paper. Amazing. Now hopefully I can continue this pace for another week or two!

Jane Austen Guilty Pleasure

2011-06-13T11:14:00.005-05:00

Since I am having trouble getting started with writing today, I thought why not start with something that feels "easier" -- thus, how about a few thoughts on a Jane Austen remake? My pal Laurie sent this book to me a few months ago and I finally had the chance to read it (I devoured it, by the way, in a mere two days!). George Knightly, Esquire is a re-imagining of Austen's Emma from the viewpoint of, as you can guess, Mr.Knightly. I was prepared for the book to be a bit on the fluffy side but I was suprised to discover how much I got into it.

One interesting angle -- Most Emma adaptations I have seen focus on life in Highbury, Austen's most detailed neighborhood. This book, while also providing those comfortable glimpses of the familiar town, focuses instead on the residents of Donwell, with its own parish, attending rector (Dr. Hughes), a new curate, our old friends the Martins, William Larkins, and an array of colorful tenants. The world the author (Barbara Cornthwaite) depicts is as vivid in my mind as Highbury after reading this Knightly-centered perspective. As a budding scholar who is fascinated with race and class issues, I found this book delightful in terms of bringing all these folks together in one "read."

The only negative? Apparently, this is only the first part (and once I look at the cover after finishing there was a hint with a subtitle called "Book One"!). The book ends just before Mr. Elton brings his new bride to Donwell and Knightly struggles with the Frank Churchill/ Emma entanglement. So .... more work on my literature review for the dissertation = purchasing the second part!

Komen Race for the Cure

2011-06-12T10:30:00.003-05:00

Well, it's over. The Komen Race for the Cure was yesterday here in downtown St Louis! Last year I was getting an MRI for the first of two lumpectomies so it was strange to think how much has happened in the 12 months since then. Since I was named one of the top 10 Fundraisers this year (thank to my fabulous friends and family members!), I was able to usher in a new year by helping to carry the banner in the survivor procession.

Because of this VIP status, Jim and I got to hang out at the VIP tent and munch on some free breakfast (provided by Bread Company) and by 7 AM I had to meet up with the other top fundraisers so we could walk together as a group over to where the other 4,000 survivors were already assembled. The only bad thing was that Karen, the women in charge of us 10, walked us over and then gave us the banner, sort of pushing back a front line of women who, I am guessing, thought that they were going to be carrying the banner. I felt bad and a short woman edged next to me, muttering under her breath how unfair it was that we got to take "their spot" -- one of the other top fundraisers said something about raising a lot of money but it didn't seem to make a difference unfortunately. So I was standing there thinking about how to make this situation better when wham! The procession started moving and I am not talking about a snail's pace! The procession was fast! We went around a corner and within a minute were standing in front of the main stage. Now, by this point, a lot of survivors around me were crying -- but I think I felt stunned more than anything. Partly, I was still feeling weird about being pushed to the front of the line and partly I was trying to put my head around the fact that I was indeed a "survivor." And it was at that moment that I realized that breast cancer was just one part of who I am now -- and not the biggest part. I am not sure if Komen will be something that I will do every year -- I just know that now I want to go on with the rest of my life and be strong, happy, and brave about taking on scary tasks (i.e. writing a dissertation that I feel like I can't do).

After the procession, I was "stuck" in front of the stage and watched all the action (i.e. Mayor Slay and some guy from American Idol) and then managed to slip through the crowd and rejoin Jim. The 5K started about 30 minutes later and me and my tutu took off as fast as I could! Thankfully, the really hot weather we have been experiencing this past week took a break and it was in the 70's with a nice breeze. But because I took off too fast, I struggled by about the second mile and came in at a time that I am not happy with: 30 minutes and 24 seconds. i was hoping for something closer to 25 minutes but oh, well. I guess I am still working hard at getting my running mojo back.

And now this morning I really do feel like a new chapter of my life has started. I had the energy to do some errands around the house and I have opened some dissertation notes and will work on that today and tomorrow (I have a Tuesday deadline in my head for a certain section I am working on). Later this afternoon, Jim and I will start a new volunteer opportunity (just a few hours a week at the most) -- walking dogs at the Stray Rescue facility near our house (this is the great organization that we adopted our dear Stella from!).

So I guess I better get to work!

PS: This video from KSDK shows the Survivor Procession -- it's hard to see me but I am at the right end of the banner (purple tights, blue hat) -- and the announcer mentions my tutu!)

Highland, IL, Memorial Day Biathlon

2011-05-31T13:58:00.003-05:00

So what was the best part of yesterday's biathlon?! I got to participate in the event with my fabulous husband! I ran the 5 mile run and then Jim rode the 15 mile bike course. Our ending time was 2:04:09 -- and the best part is that at least three other teams finished behind us so we were not the last ones out there! Yeah!

If you were here in the St Louis area yesterday then you know that it was a beautiful blue-sky kind of day -- with a heavy dose of heat. So here is the run-down for the race: We got there at about 7:30 AM (start time was 8 AM). While Jim got his bike out of the car, I went to registration and got us set up with our numbers. The only confusing part was that I expected each of us to have our own number but, instead, I had to give him the number (with the chip, of course) when we did the transition after the run. We got the bike set up in the transition area and then I went over to wait in line for the porta potty. Yeah ... that didn't quite work out. The line was super long and going slow. But I waited until someone came over the loudspeaker and announced that the race would start in 5 minutes. I decided to skip the bathroom (though I had to go!) and ran back to Jim for my MP3 player and then got in the start area. I bumped into Irwin, this fabulous athlete who lives in our building downtown, but before I knew it -- the start gun went off!

And, of course, because I felt rushed I started too fast. The first mile was not bad but I felt the heat and my lungs by mile 2. Most of the course took place in the countryside just outside the small town of Highland -- not bad for a run but enough hills to kill you on a hot day. At the first water stop, I took one cup but then took 2-3 waters at the next two water stops since the folks behind the race were using this little mini-cups that held only a swallow or two of water.

By mile 4, I was back in the residential area of the town and then I noticed the darnest thing -- I could see the finish line about a mile ahead! Not good for one's psychology while running on a hot day. I feel like I eventually limped across the finish line and Jim was right there, waiting to take the number and timing chip from me. Except that my hands were wet and shaking and I couldn't get the darn thing off. But Jim managed to get it off and he took off! (my running time was approximately 52 minutes and 18 seconds) Unfortunately, I had to pull a Paula Radcliffe -- which means I had to take my own tiny (thank goodness) bathroom break while I was running (i.e. Paula Padcliffe, the fastest female marathoner had to do a #2 in her shorts while she was running in order to beat a world record a few years back, thus the moniker "to pull a Paula Radcliffe"!)

For the first ten minutes after he left, I just sat on the grass trying to breath. Then, I took our duffel bag and sought out the concessions/ water, a few hundred years away from the start/finish line. Holy crap! Free soda and beer for all the racers! After about 15-20 minutes, I made my way back to the start/finish line and relaxed in the sun (talking for awhile to the mighty Irwin who had already finished both parts!). I was so excited when I saw Jim! He finished strong but as soon as he hopped off his bike, he could feel all kinds of aches in his legs ... which perfectly matched the aches in mine from running! (our final time was 2 hours, 4 minutes, and 9 seconds!)

I hope we get to do this again -- I know we are not ever going to win something like this but it's fun to do ewvents like this together (since I almost always do the running and triathlon thing by myself). I want to be a better athlete -- and I would love to do this with my very best friend in the world, Jim!

Quick Komen Post!

2011-05-29T20:00:00.003-05:00

Just a quick link to my Komen home page -- click here -- almost up to $2000! Every donor will get a picture of me in a giant tutu with seperate ribbons dedicated to fantastic folks I know who have experienced all forms of cancer! I will post a pic of the crazy tutu as soon as I get the whole thing finished! :D

Goin' to Get Muddy!

2011-05-26T16:30:00.005-05:00

So you see that picture at the top of this blog?! I get asked about this one a lot -- Jim took it last year at the USO Mud Run over in Mascoutah, IL, about 30 minutes east of St Louis. I was freshly diagnosed when I ran this race last year -- I don't remember exactly what I was thinking other than how did other folks get their hands on pink duct tape and I only had gray -- but I am pretty sure that I still thought of myself as experiencing a "slight case" of breast cancer. Looking back at this time last year, I am pretty sure I was in shock mode for at least the first few weeks but I was focusing on remaining strong -- which I think the picture at the top of this blog captures quite well!

Anyway -- I just signed up for the run on June 4 (next weekend), a little late since I didn't think I was going to do it. I am not sure why I was reluctant at first (OK, maybe getting muddy isn't the first thing I would do if given the choice) but ... it's for a great cause (the USO!), it's unique (go mud!), and for some reason I feel like re-visting some of the races I did last year. So bring the mud on! (and I will go to Home Depot and track down that pink and purple duct tape -- which I will need to keep my shoes on!) Just in case you are interested, here is the "official" trialer for the USO Mud Run:

I am hoping Jim will be out there taking more great pictures (I didn't get as muddy as I could have last year because ... well, it's quite possible that Dianna jumped over course obstacles if there wasn't someone there "forcing" me to do it! I have a feeling that will be different this year!).

And with the mud theme going on, I have a few pictures to share! I cleaned out my office at work and found two pictures from a mud run I did in 2005:

I like these pictures -- I was a "younger" runner then (I started running in 2002)! And these must have been just before I switched to running in skirts only(I am a huge fan of triathlete Nikki DeBoom's company "Skirt Sports" -- www.skirtsports.com) Is it odd that I keep searching the eyes of the pre-cancer diagnosis Dianna thinking, "Is there a clue? Is there a sign that this is going to happen?" Was it the million Diet Pepsis I drank? Was it the chemicals in the air? Was it ... ? (well, you get the point).

Anyway -- and on one more running-related note! The local Fleet Feet Sports store (I am a devoted fan!) just highlighted me in their most recent newsletter. I am deeply, deeply honored and they made me sound so strong! Click here to the link! I just can't say enough how honored I feel. Enough said.

Final Grades ... In!

2011-05-18T10:12:00.006-05:00

So moments ago Dissertation Girl completed her final section of grades and submitted them to the higher powers that be here at SWIC. Yeah! I can't quite describe that feeling of being done-done! So, my readers might ask ... what's next? (especially given the fact that I am not teaching any summer classes this year)

1. Graduation tomorrow evening -- always a great thing to watch fabulous students celebrate this wonderful moment in their lives! This year, I have a bunch of students graduating so I am looking forward to being there for them! :D

*** note: As I menioned before, at this graduation ceremony last year I was reflecting on the biopsy I had just completed earlier in the day at St John's Hospital. I remember sitting there thinking, "Whew! That was not fun but at least it is over. And there's no reason to worry since breast cancer doesn't run in my family and the doctor at the biopsy said that I have an 80% chance of this being nothing." Well, we all know how that turned out. But at the graduation I was so sure that the worst of it was behind me. It's just a weird sensation to think of that Dianna at that graduation. What will the Dianna at this graduation be thinking?

2. Jim and I are flying out to Seattle on Friday afternoon. Jim will get the chance to connect with his best buddy Greg (which makes me happy). On Saturday Jim and I will be attending a get together of folks who loved Les at "the Lodge," one of the places I adored as an undergraduate at St Martin's (I spent many happy days there with fabulous people -- I even have a distinct memory of reading Wordsworth there on the beach during some retreat I must have been attending at the time). And my "other mother" Mary will be at this event -- and that makes me seriously happy! On Sunday Jim and Greg will probably go hiking somewhere and I will get to spend the day with Greg's very cool wife (Martha) and I am hoping we get to go shopping! (Martha is a master shopper and just a generally fun person to hang with!) The only bad part is that the trip is only a few days -- we will be back in St Louis late on Monday.

3. Dissertation writing will start in earnest next week! Since I have had unexpected pockets of reading time this past week (with finals and all), I am actually getting super exicted about some of the reading I have completed -- but not yet had the chance to write up in my "literature review."

4. Catching up with friends: OK, I can't be working on my diss 24/7 so I am delighted that I -- finally! -- get the chance to catch up on emails and notes to friends (Tanya, Laurie, Rachel, and Mary K in particular!).

5. And finally some home-cooked meals! I know I am not all that great at cooking but my schedule has just been so hectic recently that I haven't had the chance to make much of anything (other than soup). So Jim gets a part-time homemaker for the summer, an adventure I hope he survives!

6. Trip to Japan in July -- I need to review my Japanese language skills before we go. I am pretty sure that things will just fall in place but I know that I used to be a kick a** Japanese speaker after living there for four years. Now I just have to tap into my brain and figure out where that great vocabulary went to!

May 25 is next Tuesday -- I guess this is officially my first cancer anniversary. Though I don't think this is something I will be (obviously) celebrating, I think it's a date that signifies a lot at least this year. None of us really knows what is going to happen to us from day to day. But I guess May 25 is a looming symbol for me of how much I do tend to take life for granted. If I hadn't gone in to get that mammaogram when I did, what would have happened?

Pinktober From a Teal Point of View

2011-05-13T12:58:00.002-05:00

The following blog post is from blogger Carcinista, who, sadly, just lost her fight against Ovarian cancer. Her words are so eloquent and so aptly describe some of my own thoughts about Breast Cancer and the month of October:

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October has become the month that strikes fear in the hearts of many. Not just because it’s the time of year we have to start paying for heat again, but because of the spectacular and pervasive marketing efforts of the Susan G. Komen Foundation and thousands of copycat hangers-on digging for your sympathy dollars.

And I’ll admit this right off the bat: I’m jealous. I’ve been fighting ovarian cancer for four and a half years (started Stage IIIc but now I’m Stage IV), and I’m starting to think that despite the best efforts of dozens of industry-leading researchers and doctors at one of the top cancer facilities in the country, I’m not going to win.

National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month is September. Every year. Did you know that? Do you know that teal is the color of t-shirts, silicone bracelets, and ribbon pins worn by those observing Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month? If you did, you’re in the minority. Ovarian cancer is the ugly stepchild of women’s cancers: it’s not in a body part that’s sexy, like boobs; it’s not easy to detect, like feeling a lump, and it’s damn hard to treat, like 65% fail rate.

That’s right – if ovarian cancer is found in the early stages, when the tumors are the size of peppercorns, it is nearly completely treatable. But when it’s found in later stages, with tumors the size of (insert the name of your favorite citrus fruit here), it’s fatal within five years in 65% of women. Not only that, but the majority of cases are found late, the main reason being that the symptoms are so ambiguous and frequently misdiagnosed.

I spend September beating the bushes, blogging about symptoms and awareness, and talking to strangers about my story and how surprisingly common it is, scanning publications for the slightest mention of OC Awareness Month, thanking my lucky stars for Andie McDowell’s PSA on Lifetime, and Kelly Ripa’s campaigns with QVC and Electrolux. My fellow OC patients set up tables at community craft fairs and in church basements, handing out symptom cards and trying to drum up a little recognition for the magnitude of this disease.

It’s a bit like being the opening act for the opening act for U2: no one’s really paying attention – they’re just waiting for the big guns to show up. Because before September is even over, stores are filled with pink merchandise. Magazines fill editorial pages, poignant survivor stories and photo spreads with breast cancer awareness. We’re swept off the surface of the earth by the waves of pink.

It’s not as if ovarian cancer awareness isn’t as important as breast cancer awareness; many of us would argue that it’s more so. While 200,000 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in a year, and 40,000 will die from it (a too-high rate of 20%), 21,000 American women will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and 13,000 will die from it (a staggering rate of 61%). And the last time I checked, women with breasts also had ovaries, which become even more at-risk for cancer once they’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. Do you know what the symptoms are?

•Persistent abdominal bloating
•A feeling of fullness or not being able to eat
•Persistent diarrhea, constipation, or bowel changes
•Pelvic or abdominal pain
•Frequent urges to urinate
•Fatigue

There are ovarian cancer patients who are misdiagnosed for years by doctors who assume their symptoms are IBS, depression, or hypochondria, and prescribe antacids, anti-anxiety meds, or rest, and pat them on their little heads and send them out the door. There are patients who ignore their symptoms for months or years, assuming it’s weight gain, or lack of sleep, or too much fiber. You can’t tell me a little more awareness wouldn’t help.

There’s no “good” cancer: not lymphoma, not melanoma, not DCIS. Cancer is horrible, the treatments are often worse than the disease they are trying to destroy; having to prematurely confront your mortality and the devastating effects it can have on your relationships and your psyche is a punishment no one is evil enough to deserve. But on any given day as an ovarian cancer patient, with a five-year survival rate of less than 35%, it’s not hard to be jealous of the breast cancer patients with their potential for cure. Which we mostly don’t get. Ever.

So aside from pinkwashing consumer products and Walks For Whomever being pretty lousy ways to drum up funds for research; aside from the ubiquitous ribbons fooling people into thinking they’re doing some good in the “War On Cancer” that’s been failing miserably for forty years; aside from it distracting attention from preventing cancer by forcing corporations and governments to clean up toxic chemicals and environmental hazards, Pinktober overlooks the fact that there are other, deadlier forms of cancer in the world that could use some of the Pink Juggernaut’s P.R. clout and donation dollars.

It’s insane that there’s any competition at all between colors and body parts and the organizations that work to fund research looking for cures. In the absence of the kumbaya/world peace global generosity that clearly isn’t coming any time soon, I just want to point out that sick is sick, all cancer sucks, and to devote an entire month to fighting just one ridiculously unjust medical diagnosis is pretty closed-minded.

For more information on ovarian cancer, its symptoms, and how you can help, visit www.ocna.org or www.ovationsforthecure.org. For more pith and vinegar from me, visit www.carcinista.com.

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Anyway, as I near my one year anniversary of getting a biopsy (May 20) and my one year anniversary of getting the diagnosis (May 25), these words seem important to share. I think I always knew that cancer sucked but I was never aware of how much it (1) truly sucks and (2) is capitalized on by companies. I do think the Komen folks are using money to find a cure (and my number one reason for supporting is the use of the money to help local women without insurance) but why is breast cancer the "sexy" cancer to get? Ovarian cancer is more deadly yet I hear so little about it. Please, everyone, get regular checkups for everything. I barely knew blogger Carcinista but today I mourn for her.

Running in Pink!

2011-05-11T12:04:00.006-05:00

So as my fabulous readers can see from the image on the left ... I made my new goal and then some! I continue to be amazed at how generous people have been! I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want cancer again but it is sorta cool that my experience has created an opportunity to help in some small way. I know $1400 isn't a ton of money but it's more than I ever thought I would be able to raise. (on a side note -- I had to reschedule my upcoming mammogram this morning because of my doctor's schedule -- they sent me a letter asking me to call them! -- and the soonest appointment was in November. Uhh ... I don't think so baby! I want my next mammogram ASAP just in case, you know. To make a long, complicated story short, I finally got my new appointment -- June 27 -- but I won't see the surgeon again until December. However, I have upcoming check-ups with my radiologist and my oncologist so I don't think that's a big deal that I have to wait. But this morning's adventure on the phone reminds me of how much I HATED all those doctor's appointment during the last 12 months!)

To make things a bit more interesting -- and silly -- I have even decided to wear a pink tutu while I run! See below!

I found the tutu on Etsy.com but this size is for a child so I shot the artist a convo request and now she is going to make an adult sized one for me to wear! (and hopefully it doesn't fall to my knees when I am running!).

It sorta feels like a Friday afternoon since today is the last day of scheduled classes. That's it -- semester over! I still have an American Literature final tomorrow (and finish up grading their revised essays), a Friday morning collecting portfolios from my writing students, a group assessment activity all day on Saturday, an honors luncheon on Tuesday, and then a final on Tuesday night -- but then I am 100% done for Spring Semester 2011.

Other than our upcoming trip to Japan, I will be "Dissertation Girl" all summer! Bring on the writing! :D

2011-05-05T12:33:00.005-05:00

Whoops! I almost forgot to blog about the APA Fast and Furriest 5K this past Sunday! Nothing dramatic to report ... except for some Shin Splint issues on my end. I don't usually do a lot of stetching before any run; my first mile or so in any event is usually done at a slow enough jog to serve as a warm-up. Sunday's race, though, had some unusual aspects. Like Stella being there and racing with me. For the 30 minutes or so before the start (at beautiful Tower Grove Park, by the way!), Stella and I were chilling with the other runners and their dogs. By the time the race started, Stella was jumping up and down and so excited to get the race started. So when the horn went off, she took off like a shot and everytime another dog and racer would pass us, she would get even faster! My first mile of the 5K was probably somewhere in the 8 minute zone, so pretty fast for me.

After that first mile, I noticed my left shin was killing me. I didn't think about it being a shin splint but that is what it was -- a dull aching that would not go away no matter how much I slowed down. We managed to finish the race but the aching stuck around for the next few days (and it probably didn't help that I ran more mileage on Sunday evening because I wanted to go downstairs to the gym in our building and watch a TV show!).

Anyway -- I finished in 30:12 which wasn't bad for having a shin problem! I wish I had a picture from the race but you will notice that this blog post starts with a picture of my training partner (when she is not racing and sitting still!) :D

2011-05-03T13:42:00.003-05:00

So I stole the image above from my personal Komen fundraising site! How cool is that?!?!?!?!? I started this whole adventure being so nervous about raising money (and asking my loved ones to do so!) but this is the result! I am almost there! It's just so shocking to me that one person *really* can make a difference. Not only will 75% of this amount stay here in St Louis BUT it will help someone (or more approximately, "someones") with having access to a mammogram!

It's impossible to describe how I feel about this effort (which looks like it will be successful!). I've never really raised money like this before but I could get used to this feeling of feeling just darn great! I know some of the most generous people ever and I hope that all this goodness results in a cure for something that has been screwing up peoples' lives for way too long. Cancer research *has* to find a cure soon. Let's make this darn thing history!

Oh, and here is my fundraising link again, by the way! Click here!

Quick Komen Update

2011-04-29T08:41:00.004-05:00

I am shocked. Seriously shocked. I HATED selling Girl Scout Cookies when I was a kid -- I remember feeling bad about asking people to buy something. I'm just not a salesperson at all. So I wasn't sure how successful I could be at asking people to donate for my goal of raising momey for Komen (see the entry for April 27)

So here is the total this morning -- $535! How cool is that! I had a goal of $200 at first, then $500 and now the new goal is $700. I think it would be super cool to get to $1000 but that number seems so scary that I can't even type it in yet!

However -- I just wanted to give folks an update! People are awesome! :D

EVENING EDIT: I got brave and upped my official fundraising level to $1000 not long after I posted the above (and it's not going any higher -- that is my true goal!). I am pleased to report that we are up to $750 as of now! I am so excited to be spearheading something like this! And the goodness must be rubbing off on my running because I did a 5K in about 31 minutes earlier this afternoon after doing 13.5 miles on a bike. The run felt great and I know I could have gone longer and faster -- a feeling I haven't had since last year. But -- I don't want to push it too hard, especially since I wasn't wearing my running shoes (just regular gym sneakers) and Stella (the pooch!) and I are running a 5K for the APA on Sunday morning! But I am starting to feel better -- finally! -- when it comes to running!

Quick Funny

2011-04-28T09:13:00.002-05:00

I was reading posts from the WPA list serve this morning (WPA = Writing Program Adminsitration). For the last day, the discussion has been about whether the teaching of writing is more Liberal than other jobs. As a response, someone wrote this comment: "My Republican, older brother who is a rocket scientist (for real) always tells his friends that his sister is a prostitute. He believes that this is better than telling them that I am a liberal college professor."

I seriously thought I was going to die laughing!

Komen Race for the Cure: June 11

2011-04-27T09:05:00.006-05:00

As you can see from the image above, I have decided to run the Komen Race for the Cure here in St Louis on June 11. I know it might sound ridiculous but I have put a lot of thought into whether or not I should register for this race. It's a charity event so I should do it without hesitation, right? In the 11 years I have lived in the St Louis area, I have competed in this race a half dozen times -- and two years ago I walked in the race to support my sister-in-law. Never in a million years did I think this would be an issue that would impact me personally. In fact, I stopped running the race a few years ago because the crowds were just too much for me. I know this is for a great cause, but it was just getting to hard to run around the zillion people walking in huge groups, blocking the road (and I haven't been fast enough to get way in the front to avoid all the chaos!).

Last year on the day of this race, Jim and I were off to St John's Hospital for my MRI in preparation for what would become the first of two lumpectomies. I remember feeling so relieved that I was not going to have to face all those groups of PINK around every corner (since the race happens downtown and we live downtown). Embracing the pink ribbon was not something I wanted to do. And I am still not sure if I am up to hanging out with that damn pink ribbon now but I am realizing that I need to get past feeling angry every time I encounter a pink ribbon in my daily life. This anger is below the surface and it's not something that I talk about with a lot of people. Before breast cancer, the only association I had with a pink ribbon was with Faith, the wife in Nathaniel Hawthorne's "Young Goodman Brown" -- a story I often teach in my American Literature class. In the story, Faith represents Brown’s religious/ spiritual faith and his faith in others/ society; her pink ribbons stand for innocence. But that is not the pink ribbon I see in terms of breast cancer support -- that pink ribbon is not innocent. Besides the issue of the ribbon being used to sell products (Ah! Let's buy that cereal because it has a pink ribbon!), I think of the image in terms of the word "survivor." I see them both intricately connected. I understand that I dodged a bullet with this whole cancer thing, but what about my friend Kate from my cancer support group? She died a few weeks ago (from a blood clot, not actually cancer) and now isn't a "survivor." I know she wanted to beat this thing and I will always remember the beautiful scarves (especially the purple one) that she wore to group, often noting how she looked forward to getting her "new hair." We were both diagnosed within a day of each other last year and I guess that is why we would often sit next to each other and talk before the group started. Though she was much older than I, we bonded over something neither one of us ever saw coming.

So, I guess what I am trying to say (not so clearly!) is that I have a complicated relationship still with breast cancer and with the Komen race. I think the money raised is great, but there are so many other cancers and illnesses that don't get enough press and I don't want to contribute to encouraging the "glamorization" of breast cancer! BUT .. and this is a big "but" ... this event has become more personal for me. People need to get mammograms and we need to find a cure for all cancers. Those are the only two goals for me.

That said, here is my personal link for Komen. Click here! I have decided to run the timed event (we start 5 minutes before everyone else) so I may not get as stressed with running around the large crowds. And I want to get this run down to under 25 minutes. My PR for a 5K is in the 23 minute mark but it has been a few years since I have been near that time. I would be delighted, though, to get something under 25 minutes. I haven't even been close to that in the past year or so.

So ... gulp ... bring on the pink!

Washington University Sprint Triathlon!

2011-04-25T08:30:00.005-05:00

As many of you probably know, we folks here in the St Louis area have been hit with numerous tornadoes and generally bad weather for the last two weeks or so. When I was at my conference last week, I spent one night in the basement of the old mansion (which is now a conference center) and we had no power for two days (which makes me feel like I survived an adventure at a haunted castle!). I came home late Thursday and then on Friday we had more tornado action here in the city (in fact, our airport was closed most of the weekend because one of the main concourses was severely damaged). And then on Saturday I competed in my first "almost all outside" triathlon of the year: The Washington University Sprint Triathlon.

The swimming was in the Athletic Complex on campus -- a serpentine swim for 400 yards. I always get quite nervous waiting to swim but this time I think I was more relaxed. I knew I just wanted to finish this race so I wasn't feeling too competitive or anything. By the time I hopped in the pool, I was just anxious to get this part finished so I could move on to the two parts I like better: cycling and running!

While we were in the pool, the rain started coming down harder. I don't have a bucket yet like my more experienced triathlon colleagues (I really need to get one soon!) -- so my stuff got pretty wet. But I hopped on my bike and headed to Forest Park for two loops around (with a total of just over 12 miles). I should mention that I fell on Friday night when I was trying out my new triathlon pedals for my bike (I am still using a mountain bike but the kind folks at REI "tricked out" my bike a bit to make it more competitive). Anyway -- I tried the new tires out on Friday night and -- not being used to cages on my pedals -- I went to stop and put my foot down and ended up getting mixed up and fell over. On my left hand. Not fun. My hand is still swollen today but on Saturday morning it was swollen and painful. I didn't notice this too much in the swim portion but by the time I got to the bike, I realized I couldn't use the breaks very easily. Not good news when (1) you have new tires you are not used to and (2) it's raining and hailing heavily. So, in short, I went slower than I probably would have went on a nicer day -- and if my hand were working better. But I did my two loops around the park and then headed back to the campus.

Once I left my bike in the transition area, I started the part of the triathlon that I hate every single time I do one -- the first mile of the run. At this point, I have no feeling in my feet and to add to the adventure, my running shoes are soaked through and "squishing" with every step that I take. By the second loop, though, I could feel my feet again and enjoyed the fabulous scenery of Washington University (which always reminds me of a Harry Potter movie) -- see picture below!

I ended up running the last mile or so with a nice woman who was visiting the area for Easter (she was from Chicago) -- I never got her name but we had a great time talking about the beautiful campus and imagining Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, and Hufflepuff -- and before we knew it, the "Finish Line" was in front of us! We ended the race with a hug and then I went back to my bike which was wet, along with all my "stuff". But by the time I got home, Jim welcomed me with a super clean house (I was having company later in the afternoon) and grocery shopping done for Easter!

PS: My online posted finish time was 1 hour, 40 minutes, and 58 seconds! Since I was shooting for two hours, I will take it!

A Conferencing I Go!

2011-04-19T13:55:00.004-05:00

I am off to the 47th Allerton English Articulation Conference in just a few minutes (about 150 miles east of St Louis right in the middle of Illinois). I will be presenting some of my dissertation research on Thursday morning but in the meantime ... I get to relax by listening to other presentations and hanging out at the cool Allerton Mansion (where the conference will be held AND where I will be sleeping). Here is a link to the conference: Click here! I have been to this particular conference once before and LOVED the 14 miles of hiking trails and the amazing gardens (this place has been named one of the seven wonders of Illinois). Lots of great "intellectualizing" and lots of great running (I hope!). I will come back on Thursday night (and no school on Friday because of Good Friday!)

A new running movie will be coming out soon! This film documents three Native American young people who use running as a means of improving their lives and attending college on scholarship. Check out this insprirational trailer:

I am such a running geek! These young folks get me excited!

A Need for A Longer Afternoon!

2011-04-12T17:58:00.004-05:00

How in the world is it Tuesday evening already?!?! I am about to go and teach my evening class in just a few minutes. Basically, I spent all afternoon trying to clear off my desk with ... a little success! The review editor from the journal Teaching English in the Two Year College asked me about a month ago to give my comments on a review that was submitted to the journal and I had every intention of doing it right away. And I sort of did. I read the review, jotted some notes, and then it got stuck under the huge piles of papers on my desk. Boo. Anyway -- I managed to finish that little project today as well as reading some student essays, completing some paperwork for the honors program, and figuring out some lesson plans for this week (I think I have a plan to get students excited about pronoun agreement!).

But I need a longer afternoon! In exactly one week, I am off to the Allerton Conference (hosted by Northern Illinois University) and I still have major amounts of work to do for my conference presentation. I have a busy week until Friday (including taking a group of students to the Fox Theater to see the rock musical "Next to Normal" on Thursday night, a lunch get together at work, catching up on the reading for my literature classes, and a talk to a local "Girls on the Run" team here in Granite City on Friday afternoon). But the weekend? Nothing major planned and I am hoping to keep it that way!

The Go! St Louis Half Marathon

2011-04-10T12:23:00.010-05:00

So this morning I ran the Go! St Louis Half Marathon! My best time pre-cancer was 1:51 for a half marathon and, as you might guess, I am not back to that time. This morning's adventure was 2:20:41 (about 30 minutes off). I felt pretty strong for the first 6 miles or so (when the course, which had looped south to the AB Brewery, come back north and straight through downtown on Market Street and then Olive Street). But then some of the dang gas I have been having creeped in (the gas is from the hysterectomy for the most part). After a few more miles, it started to go away but then I started having heat issues (it was somewhere in the 80's I think with the usual St Louis humidity. It's hard to believe we had snow just three weeks ago!). Most of the water stops were having problems too -- I usually had to wait in line for a quick drink which kept making me stop, thereby making it harder to continue going). The last two miles were not fun (if you are not familiar with St Louis, we have a hilly city!) but I kept following the many bright green shirts I saw as I went up the last hill on Market (see the photo above to get a glimpse at this year's technical shirt; not sure if I like the color or not).

The Expo was crowded (much like the run) but I ended up treating myself to a few new tops (a run expo gets me just as excited as a bookstore, by the way!). Here is a new technical shirt I picked up:

And a new singlet with the race logo in silver glitter! (seriously, who could resist this?!)

For renewing my subscription to a women's running magazine, I got a free technical top!

And that's about it! I was a little bummed, by the way, when I saw the marathon folks leaving the course -- a big part of me wanted to follow them BUT I know that a marathon is not what I need to be doing right now. For the next few months, I just need to work on improving my PR in some shorter events (and triathlons) -- and hopefully these new tops will inspire me! :D

See the Little Tab Above?!

2011-04-06T08:24:00.006-05:00

I am not sure if anyone has noticed, but a few weeks ago I added an "Upcoming Races" section to this blog so I can publically announce my running "life" and this will keep me from getting too chicken to back down on any of these goals (you all will make sure I keep to these running and triathlon plans, right?!). Well, I just moved the tab to the above section to make it more noticeable! Not only do I post the upcoming races, but I am going to use this page to keep a tally of my times and general comments about each race.

And as an extra bonus today, I have a quick book review of Gail Konop Baker's Cancer is a Bitch: Or, I'd Rather Be Having a Midlife Crisis. I picked this book up over the weekend when I was at the SIU bookstore and I connected with Baker's comments right away. She has an amazing sense of voice that I could absolutely identify with (and I love her kick ass title!) Baker was diagnosed with the same thing I had -- DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). Mine had invasive elements, though, so my treatment included surgery, radiation and chemotherapy while Baker's was just the surgeries. But it is still *cancer* and it's that word that still scares the crap out of anyone who hears it. As Baker laments, "How had I not appreciated my health all those years I didn't have a diagnosis following me everywhere like an annoying sibling, mimicking my every move, mirroring the parts of me that make me feel awkward, ashamed? My diagnosis, a brat, demanding center stage, forcing me to fill my calendar with appointments where I'm weighed and blood pressured and poked and probed, felt up and down and warned about risk" (15). Exactly.

At one point, after a couple of lumpectomies, Baker notes: "I glance down and see where the virgin skin deadens into the wound. I wish it wasn't like that, wish I could undo the damage, but I can't. Can't change it, can't change what is, what happened. This is my body. The scar is me and I am the scar. And it's a symbol of what I've been through, a reminder that I've survived, and it makes me exactly who I am now" (198). I love what she is saying (tons of self confidence) but, quite honestly, I am not sure who I am now. I want to say everything is back to normal -- or at least that I can get back there. But reminders of what happened jump out at me every time I take my clothes off or bump into somebody who wants to talk about what transpired the last few months. Cancer is always there even if I don't want it to be.

Later in the book, Baker talks to friend who has also been diagnosed with cancer, and they argue that a diagnosis makes life "a little clearer and sharper, more intense" (167). I get that. I don't want this to come off as a cliche, but I know that I am teaching differently right now. I think I am more conscious of what I am doing. Connections with people are even different -- I feel almost desperate to be more socially responsible and aware of other peoples' pain and struggles.

But it is her comments on her marriage that get to me the most. Baker mentions "the oversized beat-up duffel bag" she has "dragged into the marriage" (231) and I know exactly what she is talking about. I know coming into my marriage as an "older bride" (I was 36), I didn't get married because I *had* to or I felt obligated to start this next chapter (so it goes) -- I got married because I love Jim more than any other man I have ever met. He loves me and I can feel that everyday in every word he says or action he takes. But, like pretty much anyone else, I didn't come into this marriage "innocent" or without "a past." I had an "oversized beat-up duffel bag" of crap -- body issues, fluctuating levels of low self-esteem, etc. And the one thing cancer does -- from my experience -- is highlight that baggage. Instead of the duffel bag always being there under the bed (present but not always acknowledged), it feels like that duffel bag is out in the open -- it's in the openness of the room and we keep tripping over it.

The book did make me more aware of the biggest fear lurking in my mind recently -- though I never thought about recurrence while going through treatment, I think a lot more about the possibility of getting cancer again. My next mammogram is in August -- and it terrifies me. What happens if they put me in the "special" waiting room again? (last time I was in the dark about why I was placed in a different room). But ... all I can do is wait.

Graduate Student Conference at SIU

2011-04-03T10:57:00.003-05:00

Well, it's done. I managed to participate in a conference yesterday and, I think, do a half way decent job. I know I was nervous because of one crucial fact -- lack of being 100% prepared. But there was also this lingering doubt of being able to "come back" post-cancer. It's this feeling that feels something like cancer (and the forced menapause from the hysterectomy) has taken away parts of my mind, sort of like the flesh out of my breast, the damaged hair from my head, and the energy I used to have pre-cancer. Doubts about being a "good" grad student were there before the diagnosis, but it sorta feels like they got intensified now that I am starting to "come back" into some version of "normal."

Jim and Stella both made the 2 hour + car drive south to SIU Carbondale with me. Jim dropped me off on campus while he and Stella drove to a wilderness area to go hiking. My talk was one of the first -- during the 9:00 AM session slot. I was the second speaker so, as you might imagine, it was hard to concentrate during the first speaker's talk (which was actually quite interesting -- a creative writer mashup with ESL theory). And then it was my turn -- I passed out the handout/ booklet I brought (outlining how a teacher can use race in the classroom, including a syllabus and five different writing assignments) and just jumped into my talk. I think it made me feel better that I could see people nodding their heads throughout and I made sure to keep eye contact the whole time. And voila! My 20 minutes had finished (thankfully, all the practicing on Friday and the drive down had perfected the time -- but poor Jim for having to listen to my talk a million times!). The next speaker was fascinating (a talk about using group conferences with basic writers) and then I tackled a bunch of questions from audience members. Really a fun time!

I'm not sure how to articulate this feeling that I might know something that other folks could be interested in -- at the risk of sounding like a complete nerd, this gets me excited in a way I just can't describe well. In a nutshell -- It's motivating. It pushed me to be the teacher-scholar that I so desperately want to be!

Anwyay, I was able to stay at the conference for another session and lunch but by then Jim and Stella were done with their hike and we started back to St Louis (he and the dog got quite muddy from their own adventures, by the way!).

A huge part of me feels relieved that I was able to talk about dissertation stuff and feel at least a bit knowledgable ... now I will use this energy to jump into a new section of the Literature Review that I need to start this week!

Conferences and Teaching and Former Students

2011-03-31T16:56:00.004-05:00

I spent most of this afternoon working on my presentation for the AEGIS Conference on Saturday morning in Carbondale (SIU). I thought that it was mostly going to be an opportunity for me to talk about my research "findings" but now that I am finished, it is more along the lines of why I think it's important to use race in the classroom (from a pedagogical perspective). Given the fact that I have been spending a lot of time reviewing my actual sources (since I am working on the lit review portion of my dissertation) I guess this makes sense. I am never sure if I should read my paper like at a formal conference or just talk about my paper, like at an informal conference so ... I am going to do a combination of the two. I still haven't heard back as to whether or not I can use a PowerPoint (since I have some lengthy quotations from sources and students that I would like to use) but I am thinking I might just throw a handout together and that way I am prepared to be non-technological! At any rate -- I am hoping to generate some discussion so I can revamp this presentation for the next conference (later in April) and apply any comments toward my dissertation in general.

I read a short article in The New York Times that made me sad today. Click here for the link! Marie Myong-Ok Lee talks about what she learned from some of her former high school teachers and one line in particular stuck out -- "Good teaching helps make productive and fully realized adults -- a result that won't show up in each semester's test scores and statistics." How gorgeous is that line?? Her insightful description of her English teachers, Ms. Leibfried and Mrs. Borman, are fabulous and Lee's prose reflects what she learned from these instructors -- but then you learn at the end that Ms. Leibfried was "laid off because of budget cuts, and never taught again." That, my friends, is a crime. And that makes me weep.

One last possible related note. One of the first students I ever taught (in ENG 101) about 15 years ago is in St Louis for a business trip. We'll be meeting up later tonight. I'm pretty sure I will be having an "old moment" very soon! :D

The Usefulness of Lists!

2011-03-30T12:09:00.005-05:00

As you may remember from yesterday, I was feeling intensely bogged down in work. Not just work but WORK. My to-do list went something like this:

1. Finish booklet for fabulous colleagues to help prepare for next year's 4C's Conference (English teacher thing)
2. Work on conference presentation for this Saturday (Carbondale, IL)
3. Work on conference presentation on April 21 (Allerton, IL)
4. Work on Honors paperwork and marketing
5. Respond to online Learning Circle web site (which kept booting me off yesterday)
6. Grade mid-terms for Tuesday evening class
7. Prepare kick-ass lesson for Thursday's American Lit class (pretty sure they are bored and not liking the class)

So what on this list can now officially be crossed off? As you can see from above, the first item -- check! (I even campus mailed copies to all the folks who asked me via email; and I love the color of the cardstock that the Print Center helped me find). Number 2? I've been thinking about it -- does that count? Number 3 -- I've now officially talked myself into the idea that I don't need to think about this project until "after" my presentation on Saturday (sort of makes sense, I think). Number 4? Horribly failing. But on my list for tomorrow afternoon. However, I can check off number 5 (finally got the damn web site to work for me) and number 6 (worked on those yesterday afternoon while working on number 1). And while listening in on a webinar on teaching developmental writing this morning (See! I can multi-task!), I managed to create a game using Steinbeck criticism that will hopefully be educational (and fun!) once I add some chocolate in the mix! (the students are reading The Grapes of Wrath)

And now back to reading articles for the dissertation (I have a growing stack) and thinking about that presentation on Saturday .... (short break for a doctor's appointment this afternoon, though!)

PS: Nicole -- thank you so much for the note you sent via campus mail! You rock! (and I have it sitting above my desk so I can use it for strength!)

A Tuesday That Feels Like a Monday!

2011-03-29T08:59:00.003-05:00

So have you ever had one of those mornings when you feel like you have 0% motivation and your butt is dragging you even further down? Or when the mounds of paper on your desk look cozy enough to jump into and have a nap?

Welcome to my day!

Writing-wise, my head is full of too many projects: A conference on Saturday that sits half completed on my desk, another upcoming conference in a few weeks that I haven't started on, a speech for a student group on April 23, a booklet I am trying to finish for some colleagues, about 12 written mid-terms that need to be read before our class meets tonight, some letters that need to be done for the Honors Program I coordinate here at SWIC, some advertising for the upcoming Honors fieldtrip to "Next to Normal" at the Fox Theater .... well, maybe that is about the gist of it. For some reason, though, I am just not feeling the love this morning. I am involved in a Learning Circle (a professional development activity that is similar to a Book Club) and I have been trying to post my comments to our group's web site all morning and I keep getting thrown out every time I write down my responses. Perhaps a metaphor for my mood this morning?

Finally!

2011-03-24T16:26:00.004-05:00

Three words, dear friends! I AM WRITING!

And if I wanted to add a few more specific words: MY DISSERTATION!
OK, even more specifically I am working on the literature review, a huge (and important) part of my entire study that outlines what has already been said about my topic(s). Besides the whole "I can't do this because I am not smart enough" mentality has been the overwhelming sense of "Holy Shit. There is just so much to write about!" But for some reason, I think I am now -- finally! -- ready to jump in.

Basically, my study is interdsciplinary -- there are numerous areas that I need to focus on in terms of the literature review: Basic composition theory, politics and teaching, whitness studies, themed courses, race in the composition classroom, and student resistance (and I'm not 100% sure that I have this anticipated list exactly "right"). This means that I have to be an "expert" on each of these areas of study; in other words, I need to talk about what others have said and written. Not only do I need to read (and reread) a ton of texts, but I also need to come up with intelligent things to say about everything.

Anyway -- so right now I am diving in with the politics in the classroom angle. I am always telling my students to jump into a huge project wherever you feel the most comfortable in terms of the writing. So there you go -- I am taking my own advice.

I spent a good part of this afternoon getting some texts/ thoughts down on paper (about two pages worth). And that felt good. Luckily, I have most of tomorrow afternoon off and I now have a date with my laptop! :D

Zombilicious!

2011-03-21T17:29:00.019-05:00

Let me just say it from the beginning -- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After is zombilicious! This book comes on the heels of the best-seller Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (published in 2009 by the fab folks at Quirk Publishing!). The story follows the plot of Austen's Pride and Prejudice, but places the novel in an alternative universe version of Regency-era England where zombies roam the English countryside. And, thankfully, all of the original characters are here as well: Elizabeth Bennet and her lovely sisters, Mr. Darcy, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and even Anne, Catherine's shadowy and slightly menacing daughter. Last year, a prequel was also published -- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls. This novel explains how Elizabeth Bennet became the kick-ass zombie killer that she portrays in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies . And now, finally, we have the sequel -- what happens to Elizabeth and Darcy (and even Jane and Mr.Bingley) after the wedding? Do they continue to combat the dreadfuls?

But first -- a little academic talk! When I first analyzed the original Austen classic as an undergraduate, I never considered anything outside the parameters of "the white world" of Regency England. I recognized that Austen was using wit as a tool against a society of double standards and hypocrisy. But perhaps because I grew up as a white girl, I never thought about the characters (or the context) "behind" the page. In the case of Pride and Prejudice, there is a whole society of people who are providing the livelihood of many of the main characters (as in the British Empire "raping" the natural resources of India).

As many of you know, my literary field of interest is non-western texts (specifically African and South Asian literature). My studies in Rhetoric and Composition have also followed this angle -- race studies in composition. As a graduate student (for my MA), I started taking classes and seminars that completely changed the way I read the "greats" like Kipling, Conrad, Austen, etc -- it's hard to articulate in just a few words -- what I learned but essentially I was encourage to read against the grain for the first time in life. I also started to be more aware of "the other": I think the best way to overcome stereotype is to genuinely encounter "the other" -- to see "the other" as they really are. Whether it is understanding someone who is gay or someone who is of another ethnic group, opening oneself up to an alternative viewpoint can be liberating.

Which is probably why I loved, loved, loved the Bollywood version of the Pride and Prejudice book/ films -- "Bride and Prejudice" (a fantastic 2005 film staring one of the most beautiful women in the world, Aishwarya Rai). How would an Indian version -- a country, of course, colonized by the British Empire -- interpret a thoroughly British story? (the director, Gurinder Chadha was also behind the great film "Bend it Like Beckham"!) If you have seen this film, the opening scene starts in agricultural fields, underlining the fact the British empire exploited the natural resources of this country without honestly encountering the people who lived there. Though there are no "zombies" in this film version, there is something unsettling to viewers -- at least I think so -- in the fact that we western readers never question the white society we so complacently "digest" (pun intended!).

Are you still following me?! Connecting zombies (or "unmentionables" as they are called in the series!) with colonialism terminology is not an original thought on my part. According to Edna Aizenberg's article "'I Walked with a Zombie': The Pleasures and Perils of Postcolonial Hybridity," zombies can be highly representative of "the other" in the literature, especially texts from a non-western perspective: "A postcolonial perspective shifts focus from imperial centers and offers tools for comparing the formerly colonized's oppositional cultural politics and destabilizing, frequently innovating literary strategies. And a post-colonial perspective provides strong paradigms for reading in power situations, bringing into sharp view significant but ignored features of texts from, say, Latin America or Africa, permitting a more penetrating critical practice and a more liberating alliance-building among intellectuals." So, in other words, the zombies of this newest Austen revival are "bringing into sharp view" a new paradigm, a new way of looking at a world view that takes us away from the "imperial center."

Quite seriously Dreadfully Ever After is also just a good story! I won't give away all the details but Elizabeth saves Darcy's life after he is bitten by an unmentionable and we readers finally get to see the dastardly Lady Catherine de Bourgh get her just due. I found the story to be clever and engaging (and, interestingly enough, we readers discover that only England has a zombie problem and that the cure is found in the blood of "the other").

I am not usually a reader of the zombie genre but this is fun -- and wretchedly funny if you are a fan of Austen's original masterpiece! Even if you don't "do" zombies, give this book a chance -- you might find yourself saying, "How Zombilicious!"

Quirk Classics is having a give-away - just "like" the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After Facebook page to enter.

My Quads They Are A Quiverin'!

2011-03-21T10:27:00.014-05:00

Here I am at the race yesterday (before I was covered in mud!)

So yesterday, March 20th, I ran one of the toughest races of my "career": The Quivering Quads Half Marathon Trail Run (organized by the fabulous folks at Fleet Feet Sports here in St Louis!). Basically, this non-pavement half marathon journeys along several of the trails in Quivre River State park, one of the most beautiful parks in Missouri (about an hour and a half north from downtown St Louis).

I ran the race for the first time last year and it was freezing cold the entire time (or at least I couldn't get my feet to get even close to warm the entire race!). I don't think I had ever run in mud before, so I was slipping around quite a bit. In addition, I was also experiencing a pretty bad case of Plantar Fasciitus last year but was happy with my time of 3 hours and 31 minutes.

So how did this year go?? Let me start off by saying that last weekend I ran the St Patrick's Day 5 Mile Run downtown and it was horrible. I couldn't get a groove going on at all and so I sludged (for lack of a better word) through the entire 5 miles wondering why the heck I even bothered. I was feeling pretty disappointed that I was feeling as if I was starting all over again -- post cancer treatment -- to get back to where I was before the diagnosis. A (short) triathlon the next day (last weekend) did nothing to shake this feeling of utter disappointment at what my body is not allowing me to do.

So I guess that going into the Quivering Quads, I was just hoping to finish before the five hour time limit. Even though it pretty much rained all day on Saturday, I woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning on the warm-ish side! Last year I wore a pair of trail running shoes I bought online at the last minute but thought that this year I would wear my current "retiring" pair of running shoes since they were already pretty trashed. I knew that those shoes might be more slippery but I also knew that those shoes were pretty comfy.

At the start line to the Quivering Quads, the atmosphere was relaxing and fun! I talked with some folks I had just met and said hi to a few folks I already knew. I had plenty of time to socialize since I wasn't starting until the last wave of runners. Because most of the trail run is on tight trails, each wave of 25 runners has a three minute headstart on the next wave (the race, by the way, is limited to 400 runners total). Originally I was disappointed that I was in the last wave (leaving 51 minutes after the "official start") but it can be stressful to have faster runners coming up on you on these tight trails. So I think there was less pressure on being in the back! And the folks I started with all great people! And to give Fleet Feet credit, their enthusiasm with the last wave was just as hardy as with the first!

The first 1.8 miles was on a dirt road that was muddy from the get-go. I tried to keep my running shoes a little dry and unmuddied but that only lasted about 500 yards! Once we were half-way down this road, you turned around and went back up the hill to start the actual "trail" portion of the race. And that is where the fun started!

After about mile two, I came up on three women running (all I remember is the Lindsay was the last of the three) and we stuck together for about five miles. They were doing a pretty nice pace and I was enjoying the company. Lots of mud, by the way -- about every 100 yards or so it seemed! This portion of the race was on the Big Sugar Creek Trail and it was pretty scenic (I even saw three deer!). Because of the rain, I think most of the creek beds were pretty high (I don't remember as many creek crossings last year!) But most of the creeks were only have ankle high or so -- at first I was annoyed by them but after awhile I noticed that my shoes got cleaned AND the cold water felt great! The only part of this particular trail that I hate is crawling over the side of a cliff but once that part was over, it was on to the next section .... the Lone Spring Trail.

At this point I was feeling great -- way better that I did at the 5 mile run last weekend. The Lone Spring Trail starts somewhere just after mile 7. At this point, my new friends stopped at a water station and I had a quick drink but wanted to keep moving so my "buzz" stuck around. The next few miles were beautiful -- my legs felt great and I caught up with some more people I hadn't seen before. I didn't wear a watch yesterday so I don't know what my time was but it "felt" better -- so I kept the pace up (except for a few hills that I walked up!). In fact, after the water stop at mile 11, I was feeling so great that I was wondering when the other shoe was going to drop.

And, boy, did it! The 5-6 water stops were all mostly located on paved roads that we crossed as we followed the trails. At the last one (about mile 12) I thought I was pretty much finished -- and for the last mile I had started to struggle. But then came that last awful mile. Uphill. Steep. Not fun. I had to walk a good portion of this but so did all the people I had been following. Near the top of the hill, though, I could hear people screaming from the finish line and knew I had to finish strong. So I ran through the mud (yep -- it was even on the uphills!) and crossed the finish line in record time for me: 3 hours and 22 minutes!

I am still a little dazed from the experience but I am delighted more about my "running mojo" coming back -- but the personal best was a nice icing on the cake as well! The folks at Fleet Fleet organized an amazing experience (which cannot be easy given the logistical problems!). They even had folks talking photographs so here are a few that I "stole" from their web site:

Running through the woods!

Creek Crossing!

Finish Line! (my time is 51 minutes less than the finishing clock time!)

So I don't know if I will be able to get back to where I was before the whole breast cancer "thing." But I know that I love running and I know that it makes me happy.

Academic Stuff ....

2011-03-17T12:16:00.003-05:00

So on the dissertation front ... I have a couple of things bubbling. First of all, I have two conferences coming up soon. The first one is at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale where I am a grad student (April 2). I am doing a talk titled, "'I'm Not Racist But ...': Using Race as Writing Prompts in ENG 101." The whole objective here is to do a quick overview of my research from this past year. The second conference, at Allerton, IL, is sort of the same thing but with a different title: "Celebrate, Reflect, and Renew: Alternative Readings in FYC." Both should give me the perfect opportunity to bring material together so I will have a better grasp of what I am doing -- and still need to do -- in terms of the dissertation.

And then yesterday another cool opportunity came my way -- the Review Editor for Teaching English in the Two Year College asked me to review a manuscript that someone wrote (something about developmental English). Though this takes some energy away from my research, it DOES get me writing and thinking -- and that is always a good thing.

I am definitely an academic scholar wanna-be! I love Howard Tinberg, a two-year college scholar who adamantly believes that those of us teaching in community college MUST work at engaging with scholarship: "We need to ground our teaching in theory. We also need to go out to conferences and remain connected, which is difficult since we're teaching four or five classes a semester and we need to work harder to get out and meet other professors to exchange a dialogue." (http://mccc-union.org/FACTS/Tinberg/howard_tinberg.html). Tinberg came up with a term "Teacher Scholar" (at least, I think that was him!) to describe what we should be striving for (or at least *some* community college folks -- I don't think everyone needs to be like this).

Anyway -- In the real world, I am tired of being anxious -- about Libya, Egypt, Collective Bargaining, Japan ...

Jane Austen and Zombies!

2011-03-15T10:54:00.005-05:00

In this world of horrible earthquakes and tsunamis, political unrest in Egypt and Libya, and now talk of radiation poisoning, I would like to turn your attention -- for just a few moments -- to a "sillier" topic.

As some of you may know, I am smitten with Jane Austen. In fact, it was my good pal Les who truly introduced her wit and sarcasm to me when I was a freshman at St Martin's College. I had tried reading several of her novels before then but I guess I thought they were just about society and manners and that sort of thing just bored the 17 year old Dianna. But when Les introduced Pride and Prejudice to me -- well, that was the start of my Austen appreciation (and the BBC version of the book with Colin Firth a few years later only stoked the fires!). Anyway -- since Les's death it has been hard to pick up anything associated with Jane Austen or the Brontes or ... anything British really. It's hard to shake his presence. And I hadn't noticed how much of what I love in terms of books and music have been influenced by him (though my love of 80's Dance music is totally mine!).

Anyway -- Out of luck, I was able to do a review of the original zombie version (yes, I said zombie!) of Pride and Prejudice about two years ago, simply because I was curious (I am not usually a zombie aficionado -- though I loved the film, Shaun of the Dead) and I had a connection at Quirk Books, the publisher. As some of you might remember, I was astounded at how much I loved the book! (I know, it sounds crazy but the book was fun!). Last year, I read the prequel and thought it was OK, but like what often happens, I thought it wasn't as well written as the original zombie thriller. And then I was contacted about a month ago to see if I would be interested in reviewing (for this blog) the sequel, Dreadfully Ever After. I said yes (of course! a free copy of a book that doesn't come out until March 22! Hello!).

So I am dying to share my thoughts on this sequel to the popular Pride and Prejudice and Zombies -- Dreadfully Ever After BUT I am not allowed to post my review until March 22. Quirk Books wants to have a blogsplosion of reviews on the day the book is officially released. Here is a link to purchasing the book if you are interested: click here! As you might be able to guess, my review is a positive one (always a good sign when I read the entire book within a day or two of getting it!) Sure, it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea but if you are an Austen fan, it's a fun read filled, in this reviewer's opinion, with all kinds of symbolic play (i.e. think post-colonial theory in terms of the zombies!)

OK, now back to working on my dissertation on this, day 2, of Spring Break!

PS: Did you make it to Japan, Rachel? I am guessing it probably isn't a great idea right now though I am hoping that our trip in July will still be OK!

Quick Response

2011-03-11T20:22:00.002-06:00

First a few personal messages -- mostly because I am too lazy to email:

Laurie -- Thanks for noticing that the shirt is available through Cafe Press. I am about to order my own! :D I am not sure if you are in Hawaii right now but I hope your house is OK! And did those tests you mentioned a few weeks ago come back OK?!

Rachel -- Are you guys still handed to Japan? I was so worried about my friends in Chiba (where I used to live) but I talked to them this morning and they are OK. We are planning a trip there in July (I didn't know you were going next week, though! You are so lucky!) I hope that you guys will still be able to make it (not sure where you are headed).

Like everyone else on the planet, my thoughts are with the people in Japan who are dealing with major and catastrophic loss. As most folks know, this is my favorite country on this earth -- I spent almost four of the most "adventuresome" years of my life living in Chiba and Fakui. I loved the food, the culture, the people. I only traveled to Sendai (the hardest hit area) once but I can only imagine the devastation of what people have lost. Jim and I will be traveling back to Japan (his first trip!) in July with our great pals Greg and Martha (and Greg has been kicking butt with finding us traditional places to stay!). Thankfully, my good friends in Chiba are OK and now I just can't wait to see them!

Sort of makes a case of breast cancer seem like not that big of a deal.

Dissertating ....

2011-03-10T08:16:00.007-06:00

So .... maybe I have finally hit a breakthrough when it comes to working on that darn dissertation. Let me explain: Given my last blog entry, it is probably no surprise that I spend some time each week working with a therapist (especially on the eating disorder issue) and then on Thursday nights, I attend a group for folks affected by cancer. I started attending the group last year right after I was diagnosed when I started having problems with just coping in general. Folks in the group have a range of cancers and some people are still in treatment and there are a few, like me, who are technically finished. Anyway, once I started going to the group I noticed that I would emotionally fall apart each time I talked. Brian, the facilitator, said something to me eventually about "that" place being a space in which I completely slowed down, something I don't do very easily. And when I slow down, I am open to how miserable I am about a lot of things in my life (i.e. cancer).

Anyway, I still attend the group because I don't think I am done with what I need there. It's hard to explain but when I think about the crap that I was thrown into since late May, I know that cancer opened up some other crap (sort of like a Pandora's box, I suppose).

And here's my point -- finally. I hadn't realized how connected the parts of my life actually are. It's hard for me to exactly explain what I mean but the whole "I can't write a dissertation because I am stupid" mantra I hear in my head is absolutely related to the whole "I'm fat" and "I'm not a very good teacher/ scholar" discussions going on in my head, too. This was an "aha!" moment for me: If I can work on the eating issues, for example, then perhaps I can tackle those other voices as well. And it was this realization the last few days that has somehow given me the confidence to work on the dissertation.

Goal number one is the literature review. So right now I am reading like mad and trying to organize the many articles and books I need to somehow bring together. It does seem a little overwhelming to bring all this information together but I am just trying to look at it one step at a time.

PS: I need to find a shirt like the one above! :D

Dragging Out of the Quicksand

2011-03-02T10:21:00.005-06:00

So, after a lengthy absence here on this blog, I am stealing my beginning from the start of this blog: http://www.caroljoynt.com/my-blog/2011/02/i-have-breast-cancer.html -- my husband told me about it (he saw it on "The Daily Dish")

It took a few days to come to terms with the words that lead this post: I. Have. Breast. Cancer. At first, I allowed them in my head in only a whisper: I have breast cancer. Soon I had to speak to them to myself. I have breast cancer. And now, I have to learn to say them to others. "I have breast cancer." To my son. To our dearest friends. To people I'm acquainted with who matter to me. And here, too, on this blog. I have to own them, let them in. I thought long and hard about posting them here--"should I? shouldn't I?''-- but realized its happening not only to me, its happening to one in six women, and its real; it is the very core of "swimming in quicksand." If breast cancer isn't a swim in quicksand then what is? A doctor said, "you are in a large sisterhood."

You don't see it coming. One day life is normal, and the next its off the cliffside.

Cancer doesn't mail ahead with an arrival date. It does not let you choose whether or when. It arrives--in my case quietly--and settles in.

I know that it has been almost two months since I posted anything. Some of that has been because of work (a busy semester!) but I know that part of it is that I simply feel so "traumatized" (if that's the right word) by everything that has happened the last 6-7 months.

I was diagnosed on May 25, 2010 after getting a needle biopsy on May 20 (the same day of graduation here at SWIC). That semester had been terrible -- I mean, really terrible. I spent the first five months doing research for my dissertation, observing and studying two of my ENG 102 classes. The classes were focused on the topic of race (yep -- a touchy topic!) and let's just say that it was the first time in my career as a teacher that I had something like three formal complaints from students. So let's just go with "terrible" -- it was a bad semester. So it's sort of ironic that it ends with a cancer diagnosis. I then get thrown into this world that I don't understand and have to make decisions about things I know nothing about (i.e. lumpectomy or mastectomy? Still not sure I made the right decision on that one). And then come two surgeries, followed by all kinds of allergic reactions to almost every drug going through my body. Lymph nodes were clear, so no chemo. And then that changes. My Oncotype DX score comes back a little too high and then, all of a sudden, I am starting 18 weeks of chemo. I start radiation after the fifth chemo. That continues for almost 7 weeks (the hardest part being the 45-60 minute drive to and from the hospital). Teaching Full-Time gets harder and harder but I make it to the end of the semester. Then -- I have a complete hysterectomy on Dec 20 and realize that my body is not invincible. Major problems with even walking for a while. And then one of the most important people in my life dies on Dec 24. To throw another wrench into the mix, an eating disorder that I thought I had conquered years ago comes back, probably because of stress.

So that is why I feel "traumatized." I am not even sure that is the right word. I just know that I find myself having to concentrate really hard to get through each part of my day. Some days are easier than others but I feel like there is a blanket over my head that I can't seem to pull off in order to gulp fresh air.

But I know at least one thing. I need to work on that damn dissertation. And so this week that is exactly what I have been doing. And perhaps that is why I feel like I can finally write something again.

My goal is to be this girl again -- or at least as close as possible:

At St Martin's College

2011-01-22T11:08:00.002-06:00

OK, first I should say that the title of this blog should be "At St Martin's University" but when I was a student here, it was St Martin's College. Click here for a link to the school! The mission statement says, "Saint Martin’s University is a Catholic Benedictine institution of higher education that empowers students to pursue a lifetime of learning and accomplishment in all arenas of human endeavor." And that IS exactly what they do there!

So I spent 1986-1991 here as an undergraduate. St Martin's is located in Lacey, Washington, just a stone's throw from Olympia (the state capital). I was, of course, an English major and primarily studied under Father Kilian and Les Bailey. They both taught me everything I know about literature -- and teaching.

And as friends and readers of this blog know, Les died on Christmas eve. The memorial service for Les is today at 1 PM at the Abbey Church, the heart of St Martin's. I had to be here for it -- Les was like a father to me and there was no way I could miss the chance to tell him good-bye (as glib as that might sound). I flew out to Seattle from St Louis on Thursday (during a snow storm!) and I will be leaving tomorrow. I've been staying with "my other mother," Mary, who is one of the coolest people that I know. If anything, St Martin's inserted the most influential people into my life just at the time that I most needed them. So ... somehow I will need to get through this service without crying my head off.

I promise more later -- I will say that I love Washington state and a small part of me regrets moving away from the area. But things happen for a reason, I guess. I don't think I would have ever met Jim if I would have stayed in the area after graduating.

PS: Thanks to Laurie for the fabulous scarf (to match my gloves and hat) -- I have been wearing it a lot because it completely matches my black and white coat! And Rachel -- words cannot begin to express the gratitude about the Lush items -- I can't take a bath yet but when I can it is going to be an awesome one! :D

At the Beach

2011-01-05T08:53:00.004-06:00

I just have a few minutes but I wanted to post a quick update -- in a simple sentence: the beach is fabulous! Here are a few pictures -- here is the view from our patio:

And here is one of Stella, the city-dog turned beach dog!

So far I haven't done much of anything -- a good thing, I think! When we got here this past weekend, I was able to visit with my good friends Marie and Jeanie (and their fabulous parents!) and pretty much everything else has been walks on the beach, hanging out in the sun, reading, and watching television/ movies. So far I have learned how much I miss living by the beach. Even though I have spent 10 years in St Louis, I am still a west coast girl!

The pain is still there but I don't feel it too much if I just relax and do absolutely nothing.

I promise more later!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T09:21:00.004-06:00

Just a quick entry to let everyone know that we are leaving this morning for our vacation in Dauphin Island, AL. Click here for a link to the great "cottage" that we rented right on the beach! There id wi-fi but I am not bringing my laptop with me. I think Jim is bringing his, though, so I will try and upload some pictures if I can. Stella gets to go with us on this vacation (I love pet-friendly rentals!) and she loves car trips -- so we are about to have a very excited dog on our hands!

I am excited that it's 2011. I am hoping that this year is so much better than 2010! But there were good things that happened this year -- I had a great bunch of students who survived me being sick a lot in class, I have colleagues who were so supportive of me, and I met some great new friends (Laurie and Rachel!). I guess I just hope that 2011 is less eventful on the health front and that this is the year that I get most (if not all) of my dissertation completed (I am bringing a stack of books and articles to the beach with me!).

The open wound is still pretty gross but seems to be getting better. I am hoping that in another week that it won't be so noticeable. The surgeon said I could start walking now and in another week or so I could start with the stationary bike. Running is still maybe 3 weeks or so away.

Happy new year to everyone! I appreciate the well wishes that I received this whole last year! I don't have words to express my gratitude! Many thanks!

Small Hole!

2010-12-30T08:08:00.002-06:00

Back to see the surgeon this morning. The incision (one of three) which showed the most "ugliness" in being allergic to the "human glue" needs to be looked at again. Right now there is about a one inch hole that is maybe a half an inch wide. Twice a day I have been cleaning it -- and now I hope the surgeon has some ideas on how to make it better. The only bad thing is that I usually wait about an hour to see Dr D minimum (I have waited up to two hours). Not fun.

I hope she is close to being on time today as I am meeting a bunch of work colleagues for lunch at this cute place called "Josephines," a tea house on the Illinois side of the river. Click here for more information! I've been there tons of times with these same folks and we always have a good time. And right now I could use a good time.

We leave on Saturday for Dauphin Island, AL -- the vacation beach house we rented right on the water. This west cooast native is so looking forward to hanging out by the beach for an entire week!

2010-12-28T13:31:00.002-06:00

OK, the whole recovering from surgery thing is not easy. Today is probably the first day I feel close to normal though I still get pretty winded doing the simplest things (i.e. folding laundry). I saw Dr D, the surgeon, yesterday and she said that of the three incisions, one is healing perfectly, one so-so, and one was showing an allergic reaction to the human "glue" used in the incision. She cleaned all three of them and "dug out" the junk in the problem incision (which hurt like I can't describe!). So I am officially off the Percocet (yeah!) and now just taking the prescription-strength Ibuprofen.

But ... something bad happened on Christmas eve.

My very good friend Mary called me just after I had gone to bed to tell me that our friend Les had just died. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You see, Les is more than just a friend. Like Mary, he helped me become the person I am today. When I entered St Martin's College, I was young (17 years old) and so unsure of who or what I wanted in my life. Eventually, after taking one of his poetry classes, Les became my advisor and it was partly because of him that I ended up spending almost four years living in Japan after graduating with a BA. After encouraging me as a student for four years, he didn't stop there. His letters to me after I moved to Japan were so important to me. And then when I discovered email after coming back to the states and entering grad school, he was the first person I emailed. I was stunned when moments later, he emailed me back!

Les got me through an MA program and I realized that I wanted to be him. I wanted to be a great teacher. He helped me make the hard decision to move to Mississippi (all the way across the country by myself!) to pursue a PhD and I can't tell you how many times I called him from my sad, little apartment. When I left that program to accept a tenure-track job at SWIC, he was right there supporting me. And, as you can see from the picture above, he was right there when Jim and I got married (the night before our wedding, he apparently threatened my husband with bodily harm if he ever hurt me).

For the six months I have had breast cancer, Les and I have talked more than ever since he has been going through his own struggle with cancer. But not once did I ever think he wouldn't make it. You see, if you knew Les you know that strong voice he has, that determination and kindness that simply come across in any conversation you have with him.

And now he is gone. The timing is rotten but I guess it always is. I just think it's so unfair that he had to die now. There is so much more that I would have told him if I knew that the last call was going to be it.

2010-12-24T09:44:00.004-06:00

Well, I may have overdone it a little yesterday. Though I wasn't feeling all that great when I first got up and started moving around yesterday (can anyone say "pain"?!?!), by the afternoon I was feeling a lot better. My good pal Peggy and I had hair appointments that we had made together a few weeks ago and so I decided to go even though earlier in the day I had told Peggy and the stylist that I wasn't going to be able to make it (mostly because I couldn't walk straight without holding my stomach in). Since Braxton, the amazing stylist, still had the space open, I went ahead and left the house for the first time since I came back from the hospital (Peggy picked me up since I can't drive right now).

I was actually OK for the first two hours (I have to think the Percocet I took was helping a lot) but then all of a sudden, wham! I felt like crap and I thought I was going to die (OK, maybe I am a little over dramatic sometimes!). Peggy's super cool daughter had also come along and unfortunately her hair was taking the longest so I just sat in a chair waiting for Braxton to finish her up. By the time, I made it home I was convinced that I had maybe screwed something up since my stomach hurt so much. I watched a little television with Jim but then pretty much passed out in bed (the percocet generally makes me sleepy).

This morning -- still a fair amount of pain but I promised Jim I would chill for the whole day though it's killing me that the house needs cleaning and we need to run to the grocery store (thankfully, next door) since the snow just started falling and the forecasters are saying something like 2-4 inches (this might cause us to stay home tomorrow instead of spending the day with Jim's family).

So what is the new lesson I have learned? I apparently have no freaking idea how to relax!

I did talk with my doc's assistant yesterday and she also seems to think I am just struggling with the gas in the tummy (I just had no idea that this could cause so much pain. I have a whole new respect for farting now!). Anyway, she suggested I add a new drug to my little regiment I have going, something called simethicone (main ingredient in Gas-X).

"Pain" is My New Middle Name!

2010-12-23T11:50:00.002-06:00

Again, just a quick update. I really had no idea that I was going to feel the way I am feeling now. The worse thing for me to do right now is to cough, laugh, or hiccup -- all make my tummy feel truly painful. But, so does moving around at all. As long as I am perfectly still, it's all good. However, staying still is not something I am good at. Sitting on the sofa makes me see that I need to clean up the kitchen, wash some dishes, vacuum -- well, you get the idea.

I'm not sure that the doc can do anything about the pain but I tried to make an appt online so I can just make sure everything is OK. They called, of course, when I finally was able to get in the shower and I returned the call immediately but I had to leave a message. I love my GYN (Dr D) but waiting is pretty usual.

I haven't had an appetite at all so I figure this experience might lead to losing a few of those chemo pounds I picked up. My stomach is a bit less swollen but it's still bigger than usual and it's that pressure that hurts the most I think. I have three incision marks on my tummy which all hurt if I touch them (the belly button one hurts the most). I still have lots of dried blood but I can't get it to come off very easily (and the thought of scrubbing there makes me feel a little faint!).

I finished reading the Marie Antoinette book I was working on (The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette by Carolly Erickson) and am now starting A Truth Universally Acknowledged: 33 Writers on why we read Jane Austen (edited by Susannah Carson). Neither are difficult reads but I think that is what my brain needs right now.

And that's about it. Jim is the best nurse ever, by the way! He doles out my scary pile of drugs (and they all have different schedules). And he has been a great couch pillow!

Thanks again to everyone for your support (Laurie -- I am walking around wearing your hat today! Rachel -- Hope the new puppy is letting you sleep! And thanks for all the get well cards from everyone!)

Back Home!

2010-12-22T09:51:00.002-06:00

Left the hospital about 6pm last night. I never saw my surgeon who was the person we were waiting on so I could be released. Dr D did talk to me by phone -- there was some concern about the gas still in my stomach, which is what we think is causing the most pain. Dr D had the nurse give me something stronger and then they released me about 2 hours later. I was a little disappointed that I didn't see the surgeon before I left BUT at least I got to go home. So now I'm hanging out in bed -- though I have passed some gas, my stomach is still pretty bloated and painful. I'm hoping that gets better as the day goes on. I don't particularly like just hanging out in bed! I do have a few books I've been dying to read so I guess it's not all bad ...

Hospital Girl!

2010-12-21T07:14:00.003-06:00

I will have to make this quick since I'm typing on my phone. But I wanted to let folks know that the surgery went well. My abdominal area is killing me and I'm pretty tired since the nurse kept waking me up to take my vitals every three hours or so. I can get up and go the bathroom now though getting up and down seriously hurts! The pain medication helps but still seems to be a small amount of pain and discomfort that is lingering. If I am lucky, I'll get released this afternoon from Barnes-Jewish so I can rest at home .... My stomach is still bloated from the gas they pumped into me in order to do the surgery so I feel like I have a pregnant lump (there is no way that my jeans will fit me so I'm glad I brought my Old Navy pajama bottoms!). I am supposed to be going through menopause in the next day or two (Doc said it would hit fast and furious now that the ovaries are gone). So I am a little nervous about that. :(

Thanks to everyone! I was so nervous yesterday (I Broke out in tears in front of everyone before surgery!).

On the Way to the Hospital!

2010-12-20T04:56:00.002-06:00

A quick post as we are about to leave for the hospital! Well, I survived the colonoscopy-like prep but it sure wasn't pretty! That whole process is so NOT fun! I think the worse thing this morning is that I am just plain scared -- and hungry! I am also tired (it's not quite 5 AM yet) but I suppose that I will be "out" for much of the day so maybe I will catch up on sleep then!

OK -- so just this on more "thing" to accomplish before finishing my treatment. This has been a long six months -- I keep telling myself that I just have to get through this last hurdle and then I am good to go. I just wish I weren't so nervous. I hate doctors and I hate hospitals (nothing personal but ....).

So here I go. It is weird to think that when I come back to this blog I will be finished with my treatment for breast cancer. And I will be missing my ovaries and uterus. And maybe then I can start getting my life back, though. I miss everything being "normal" .... thanks to everyone for your encouragement and support. I can't express how much I appreciate it all!

Bad Blogger Girl

2010-12-19T11:45:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the delay in posting ... a big part of it had to do with the end-of-the-semester mess that always happens -- papers, essays, projects. But as of Friday, I am now done until the next semester starts (I have to be back at SWIC on Jan 10).

Friday was also an important day because of something else -- the last day or radiation! I had to do a double rad on Friday (one in the morning and one in the afternoon) but at least it's all DONE! We had to push things a little toward the end because it was important that I be done with radiation before the big surgery -- which is on Monday, Dec 20 (tomorrow!).

Because this is the day before the surgery, I have already started the prep which is sort of like getting a colonoscopy (not that I have ever had one). So today I can only have clear liquids and starting at 3 PM, I take the stuff that is going to make me hang out in the bathroom for the rest of day ... I guess I have to go through this because the surgery is so close to my uteral "parts" and the surgeon wants to make sure everything is nice and clean in case anything bad happens. It doesn't help that one of my closest friends is having a huge party at her house today and I won't be able to eat anything! Big bummer! But I want to go so she is making me some broth to sip during the party (but we will definitely be leaving by 3!).

So here is the official surgery name -- brace yourself because it's a long one! Total Laparescopic Hysterectomy, Bilateral Salping Oopherectomy, Colpopexy, Cystescopy with Placement of Lighted Ureteral Stents. Whew. That's a lot of stuff -- much of which I don't really understand. But what I do get is that by doing this, I cut down estrogen production and completely lower my odds of breast cancer happening again (since my test results showed this to be a big possibility).

So there you go. Chemo -- done. Radiation -- done. And now just this. I will have to stay at Barnes-Jewish Hospital for at least one night but it could be more if my body doesn't bounce back fast. As you can imagine, I am going to do my best to make this a one night stay. I am terrified of the whole surgery thing but I guess I just have to think positive and get through this one last ordeal.

I tried to get all the Christmas stuff done (i.e. Christmas cards and sending out a few gifts) but I didn't quite finish and the house is a little messy.

Anyway -- I guess what doesn't get done, doesn't get done!

Wow .. it's Friday!

2010-12-03T11:31:00.003-06:00

So this has been a long, difficult week! I think, looking back, that it was just the last of the chemo drugs working their way through my body, making me feel sick(and sluggish). And it didn't help that those darn intestinal issues flared up again (again, chemo drugs?) and that always makes me feel pretty tired. But, I am hopeful that the worst is behind me!

Two more big things made this a bad week. First, the radiation (the picture above is NOT me -- but it shows you the cradle and the position I have to stay in throughout the procedure). I will not be exposing my breast in this blog by providing pictures but let's just say that my right breast and upper chest are bright red and my nipple is turning black around the edges. Itch, itch, itch. Not fun. I see the radiology oncologist again later today (I saw her Wed, too) and it "can" happen -- especially since I am already allergic to the sun to start with in my normal life (I break out in weird rashes when I get too much sun).

And the other bad thing was meeting with the surgeon this past Tuesday. I don't know why I didn't realize that I am about to have major surgery -- I guess I thought it would be like the two lumpectomies -- surgery but not that big of a deal. So officially I am having a Total Laproscoptic Hysterectomy and Bilateral Salping Oophrectomy with a Cystescopy with Placement of Lighted Urethral Stents. Not really sure what most of that means except for the hysterectomy and oophrectomy parts. But Dr D, the surgeon, said this will take about 5-6 hours of surgery and the prep for the surgery is sooooo complicated! Just like with the lumpectomies (my only other surgeries ever), I have to do some appts related to making sure I can get through the surgery (i.e. lung scans). The day before the surgery I can't eat at all -- instead, I will have to do the same course that you do for a colonoposky -- the yechy stuff that makes your bowels move through you. I am so disappointed that my one of my dear friends is having a house warming party that day for her gorgeous new house -- I was so looking forward to enjoying her party and now I will just get to watch people eat while I start taking laxatives (and then leaving quickly for home!). Not fun.

My summer break was taken up with breast cancer and now my winter break will be recovering from the surgery on December 20 (I am not looking forward to having to stay in the hospital). So I am feeling a little bitter, I guess. I've worked hard at scheduling things around my teaching schedule as much as possible but I guess that effort has left me feeling exhausted, esp. as we near the end of the semester.

Pictures!

2010-11-28T19:17:00.004-06:00

Jim and I just completed a photoshoot last week with our friend/ photographer/ artist Connie -- she did a fabulous job with the photos though it is probably no suprise that I am not happy with the way I look -- damn chemo drugs, radiation weariness and the poundage I am gaining from not running or exercising much. Boo. But on a positive note -- these are great photos of both my wonderful husband and best friend, Jim, and our fabulous pooch, Stella!

Post-Thanksgiving Fun

2010-11-26T10:48:00.003-06:00

OK, I didn't get up at like 3 AM to go shopping this morning but I did have to get my butt out of bed a little early because my radiation appointment was at 7:45 AM this morning since (1) they had an early opening and (2) I don't have to work today. So I left an hour early because I wasn't sure how the roads would look (some freezing rain yesterday) and those Black Friday shoppers would be out (the hospital I go to is near a mall). But leaving an hour early was not needed -- clear roads on all accounts. On the way home, I wanted to stop by this cool art store called "Art Mart" but it didn't open until 9 AM so I had some time to kill (By the way, today is free paper Friday at Art Mart and if you say the secret password -- spork! -- you get free paper and pencils!).

So I decided to stop at Plaza Frontenac (a ritzy mall over near Clayton) thinking that I might browse (and drool) at Williams Sonoma while waiting for Art Mart to open. But they weren't open! However ... Ann Taylor was. And I did look. And buy. Get this -- a gorgeous dress and a tutleneck sweater -- both of which fit me perfectly! -- for $25.87. I'd call that a great buy! (hopefully, so will my husband!). (FYI: Everything in the store, including clearance, is 40% off)

I still stopped at Art Mart on the way home -- picked up my free paper and pencils along with the set of markers I had stopped for (at 20%, thank you very much!) -- and now I am at home for the rest of the day cleaning and organizing. I feel OK health-wise but I have a slightly wicked headache that won't go away and my appetite is pretty much non-existent. And I have some grading to do but I might wait until tomorrow to tackle those! :D

Quick Update!

2010-11-24T09:51:00.004-06:00

Well, yesterday was a historical day for me -- my last chemo ever (hopefully!). After chemo, Jim and I had to drive across town to get to radiation and yesterday was #15! That means I am almost halfway down with that part of the journey! (only 18 more to go!). Dr L, the fabulous oncologist, also gave me a heads-up for the surgery on December 20. My GYN, Dr D, had expressed some concern about doing the surgery because of concerns about my lowered immune system BUT Dr L said that she had thought I would be fine so hopefully that will satisfy Dr D. Even though I am NOT excited about another surgery, I just want to get this done so I can start 2011 without any cancer stuff hanging over my head!

Today is the start of Thanksgiving Break so I can try and relax! This past week has been better as far as not feeling too sick but now with a new (though last!) round of chemo drugs in my body, I suspect the next two weeks might be a little rocky since each round seems to get a little worse. Today, though, I have two doctor's appointments (therapist and radiation) and then I need to do some food shopping and then finally back home! Tomorrow we are going to Jim's sister's house and I need to prepare some vegetarian-friendly food to bring so I can eat something yummy, too!

Happy Thanksgiving! :D
PS: Laurie -- already using the sunglass case! Many thanks! :D
PPS: Dr L -- I have played my cool musical card like a million times! :D
PPPS: Rachel -- I love hearing about your wedding plans! And the new puppy! Has he come yet?! :D

2010-11-16T08:57:00.004-06:00

I am so lucky to have such good friends -- seriously! I can't even begin to articulate this overwhelming sense of gratitude I am feeling. I wonder if it is when you are struggling with something like breast cancer (or some other major illness)that you really begin to understand the fabulous people and energy that you have around you. So thank you to all of you! This past weekend was definitely a tough one ... and I am looking at the calendar all the time now, counting down to when this whole little "mess" should be nearing its completion. After the surgery on December 20, that should be it, other than recovering from the surgery and the radiation. The last chemo is November 23, so all of those chemicals should be out of my body by the time we hit the surgery date. I am a little nervous about not being done with the radiation before the surgery date but I guess the doctors will figure all that out.

I'm feeling this new, refreshed sense of "After this is over, I'm going to take on the world!" I have been organizing and reading for my dissertation the last few days and I am anxious to get back to running and maybe even getting better with my personal records (esp, with triathloning). Better yet, I have a feeling that both of these goals will be possible (i.e. finishing the dissertation and throwing myself back into fitness).

On the job front, it's a bit of a struggle but I just have to get through a few more weeks. For the most part, I have fantastic, understanding students this semester who I feel a little sorry for because I am definitely not at 100% in the classroom. I have no doubt that things will go back to normal once the new semester starts in January -- so I just have to hang on until the end of this semester.

I Raise My White Flag

2010-11-12T09:42:00.000-06:00

I wish I could more accurately describe this feeling I have felt come on me the last few days. I think I have tried in previous posts but it's sort of like a combination of physical tired and emotional tired (with a bunch of toxic chemicals in he mix!). I've been struggling identifying it (because that would mean confronting it, I think) but last night in my cancer support group, I pretty much fell apart. Now you have to understand that I sometimes struggle with my own situation when I am with this group, mostly because my cancer experience has not been as challenging as some of the other people in the group. So when I whine or complain, I feel like I have no right to do this because I have "only a slight case of breast cancer." And maybe it's that kind of thinking that has gotten me in trouble. Up until about a week ago, I think I was at the gym about 70% of my usual time -- and, as you all might remember, I even managed to squeak out a marathon (at my slowest time ever). I have only used one sick day this semester and have worked through feeling crappy with almost a sense of pride.

However, as of today I haven't been to the gym in a week. Even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I'm struggling to keep our house clean and organized. The intestinal issues are making eating not fun. In general, I have this feeling of being drained and fatigued that feels worse than what I was feeling before (and I thought that was bad).

So somehow in group last night, I got frustrated because the thought of going to work today and being "on" 100% when I teach just seemed so overwhelming. Where was I going to get the energy? Amanda, one of the other group members, talked about her own frustrations (she has two small children and a FT job) and how she has recognized that you have to be your own best advocate for your health; no one else is going to do this like you can -- and should. Many of the group members gave me permission to be less than perfect and "sick" even when I can't seem to give myself that permission. And Robyn, another group member, got a little angry with me when I said "slight case of breast cancer." She said you have cancer, you are undergoing chemo, and you are experiencing radiation. You have cancer. I think there is still a big part of me that has been in denial about all of this, as strange as that must sound. But my body is now forcing me to recognize this fact.

So here is what I know: I am a bit of a perfectionist. I want to do the best at everything I do. I'm even ambitious, I think, because I want to be a teacher-scholar (like one of my personal heroes, Howard Tinberg) and work hard at being an advocate for two-year college students. I want to write a good dissertation, not just an adequate one. I like a clean house, one that is organized and comfortable. I want to break four hours for a marathon time someday. I don't want to gain back all the weight I have worked so hard to lose. I want to be a fun wife who offers an oasis for her husband. I want to be a good friend to everyone in my life.

But maybe what I am beginning to understand is that I AM tired and at least through the end of this year, I need to slow down. Major slow down. I don't want to delay feeling better by trying to pretend that I am a trooper and can get through anything. So I took a sick day today and am trying to ignore the dishes in the sick and the papers that need grading. I have two doctor's appointments today but that't it. Maybe I should do some online searching to figure out how to relax ....

Why I Found October Annoying!

2010-11-10T21:16:00.004-06:00

I know I just left a post, but I am trying to catch up on my blog reading this evening and I just HAVE to post this link to a blog I read called "Breast Cancer? But Doctor ... I Hate Pink!" Ann, the fabulous woman behind the blog, posted the most hilarious entry about the "Pinkwashing" of October. You have to check out the specific examples she brings up of endorsements of groups supposedly supporting breast cancer research. The "pooping giraffe" is worth the read alone!

CLICK HERE to get to Ann's blog!

A Better Day!

2010-11-10T20:21:00.004-06:00

So one more radiation down (#6); that leaves 27 more!

Let me just start by saying how lucky I am this semester to have a pretty great group of students, a bunch of fabulous colleagues and friends (old and new), and the best husband in the world. I don't know how I could have survived the last few months without all three of these "forces." So yesterday I felt like shit mentally. Today I feel stronger in that regard but now I am having problems with those damn intestinal issues (the pun seems too easy here!). Wait, let me check my calendar. Yep. Just over a week since chemo and that is about the time that this crap (literally!) is due. So today bad things have been happening in the bathroom. But at least this just leaves me feeling physically drained, not emotionally drained. And -- thank you to the spirits that be! -- tomorrow is a school holiday. Which I plan to spend in bed as long as possible.

I am embarrassed to admit that I just finished Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. It usually doesn't take me a couple of weeks to read a novel but this was a "heavy" read (and it doesn't help that I am usually reading more than one book at a time anyway; additionally, I think I have a bit of chemo brain going on too!). So what do I think? You might think it presumptuous to compare Franzen's novel to Tolstoy. As it happens, I needn't bother, since Franzen has done it for me. Patty, one of the protagonists in the novel, directly brings in Tolstoy and I found this slightly unsettling (maybe because I read the book with the whole "this is the book of the century" mantra going on in my head). I think I heard someone on NPR say that Tolstoy turns up in the pages of Freedom as a comment on the power of fiction to give shape to a reader's life, and as a reminder of Franzen's own ambitions. Oh yeah. Like The Corrections (his previous novel; this is the one that got him in "trouble" with Oprah), the story translates into a family saga, an analysis I guess you could say of "the" Mid-Western family. At its heart are Patty and Walter Berglund, a baby-boomer couple. Financially comfortable, secure in their left-leaning political beliefs, and parents of an outwardly super son and daughter, the Berglunds are nonetheless afflicted by dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Well ... I won't go on too much further. I do think this novel is worth the read (even at almost 600 pages) and I think it's "warmer" (if that's the right word) than The Corrections. At the very least, I wasn't left unsatisfied like I was with this previous novel; in fact, I was even surprised at the way the novel ended -- and I like being surprised! But ... it is obviously about 90 years too early to determine if this is "the" greatest novel of the century.

So what's next on my reading list? My Non-Western Literature class is about to start Maryse Conde's I, Tituba, Black Witch of Salem (one of my favorite Caribbean writers!) and my Honors literature class is about to pick up Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. But for my pleasure reading, I just started The Wilding by Benjamin Percy -- I just received it as part of the "Indiespensable" Program at my favorite bookstore, Powells.com. This is a cool program where you get a new (often independent) special edition book (and some free gifts) every 6 weeks or so. Click here if you are interested! I am a huge fan!

Not a Good Day

2010-11-09T17:30:00.002-06:00

I guess the heading above says it all. I am really too tired to type much. But I think I have come to the realization that I need to take a sick day soon. I'm exhausted and I can't seem to catch up on ... well, everything. I think I have only taken one sick day this semester which probably isn't bad for a person going through all this cancer crap (keep in mind I hardly ever take a sick day when everything is normal). It sort of feels like when you are coming down with a cold or the flu and you start to get that "haze" of flu-iness. But I haven't been able to shake it off for weeks. I can still "perform" but everything take so much more energy.

One of my co-workers at school, Mary, was diagnosed with breast cancer (stage 2) a few weeks ago and had her masectomy on Monday. I just got an email from one of her friends saying she won't be back to teaching for the entire school year (not just this semester). Something must have went wrong but I don't know any details yet. I feel like crap because not only is she a friend (someone I have worked with for 10 years) but ... I was sort of jealous of her on Monday because everyone in her department (she's not in the English department) was so concerned and focused on her surgery. I don't mean to come off sounding like a little kid who is pouting but I went through two surgeries this summer and, other than few pals at work, mine went by without notice. I know this confession puts me at risk of sounding like a little baby but I have been busting my butt to come across as healthy and normal and I sort of miss the support that Mary so deservingly, of course, got. Yes, I sound like a three year old. And then to find out that she is sicker than originally thought, well, that just makes me feel angry at myself for acting like a big, old baby. Mary is one of the kindest, sweetest people I know at SWIC, and it's not far that she has to go through this. So now I feel sad and a bit pissed at my own selfishness.

I just finished radiation #5 this afternoon. 28 more to go. I think I will feel better when those numbers are reversed.

Three Radiations Down!

2010-11-07T10:10:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the delay in posting -- I can't believe how much busier my schedule seems to be when you add an afternoon trip to the hospital everyday! And with me hitting the sack at like 8 pm every night, well, that doesn't leave a lot of free time during the day.

So it turned out that what I thought was Day 1 of radiation on Tuesday was really Day 0. The first day, the radiologist just wanted some films done so the folks behind the radiation can accurately pinpoint exactly where the radiation needs to hit. So day 1 was actually Wednesday which now means I have three of them under my belt, with another 30 to go. Thankfully, the technician told me that they will take more X-Rays every five days but from now on, they can also do the radiation treatment so I will only be one day behind the schedule I had already imagined.

So how does the radiation work? Well, when I come in the office, I sign a clip board letting folks know that I am here and then I immediately go back to the dressing room to take off my top and bra and put on a hospital dressing gown. Once I have done that, I take a seat in the radiation waiting room and wait to be called. The first day I was there by myself but ever since then, I have bumped into the 2:00 PM and 2:30 patients (I am the 2:15 girl). It's been nice to talk to other folks about this experience -- but both of these women are almost finished so it's tough being the newbie.

After I am called, I go back to the radiation room and I am placed in my "cradle" (the thingie those folks made last week) -- then the technicians make adjustements to the machine and I am moved around a bit. Then the docs leave the room and zap -- one side of my right breast gets the treatment; the technicians come back in and make some readjustments, leave the room again, and then zap -- the second side is done. The moments when I am on the table I have to lie perfectly still -- and wouldn't you know it! I keep getting a nose itch every single time! But the whole process on each side is just a few minutes. When I am done, I hop off and change and that's it. The drive to get there (Chesterfield) is definitely the suckiest part -- I seriously need to download some books onto my iPod. It's about 45 minutes from work and then the drive home (back to downtown) varies by the darn traffic.

I was told that one side effect is feeling tired but with the chemo I am already getting, I haven't noticed a difference yet. But my breast is already swollen and sore to the touch. Not happpy that this has already happened three treatments in but I am hopeful that this will be as worse as it gets.

Today Jim and are off with friends to see "High" at the St Louis Repatory Theater and then we are meeting other friends at the St Louis Poetry Center Trivia Night. And somewhere along the way I need to finish reading some essays!

PS: As a note any of my ENG 102 students who have a research scavenger hunt due tomorrow (the Dianna Seach Assignment), one of the answers is that I taught at Canterbury Christ Church University in Caterbury, England, in 2007!) That is the toughest one to find since the original web page is no longer available. Who will be smart enough to check this blog?!

Part II of Today's Adventures!

2010-11-02T18:28:00.003-05:00

So after class at about noon, I sped into the city to pick up Jim and then we were off to the St Louis Cancer and Breast Institute on Chippewa where I see Dr. L, the oncologist, and get my chemo treatments (this was #5, just one more to go). First, we talked to the doc (she did a quick check-up) and then on to the chemo. I was hoping that we might be out of there earlier because Dr L said she was taking one of three drugs away that I get (two are "pushed" through my veins by the nurse and the third is a drip that takes about an hour). Apparently, one of the drugs that I take does not "play nice" with radiation so she is simply taking that one out of the rotation for the last two chemos. The good news is that the drug she is taking away is the one that probably gives me the intestinal issues so, hopefully, I won't be experiencing anymore of that (fingers crossed!). But it was one of the drugs manually pushed through my system so we were still there for awhile since I had to wait for the drip (and the steroid the nurses run before hand seemed to take forever today!).

As soon as my treatment was done, we jumped in the car and drove to the St Louis Cancer and Breast Institute over in Chesterfield (about 30-40 minutes away?) where I will be getting my radiation. I have to admit that I have been a little nervous about starting this new chapter ... as soon as I walked in, the nurse had me change and we walked back to that scary radiation machine. The two nurses were doing a lot of talking (mostly stuff I didn't understand) and eventually got me situated in the "cradle" we made at the simulation last week. Here's the bad news: I thought that we were starting radiation today but I was wrong. First, Dr B (my radiation oncologist) wants to do a series of "films" (X-rays) that I will need to re-do every five radiation treatments. So today I was back there for about 20-25 minutes getting all kinds of films done and I was waiting for the big "radiation" moment. Which didn't happen. At all. But I did walk away with even more writing all over my chest, breasts, and right side! (I am trying to resist the urge to pull out my own marker and connect the dots!)

I will be back there tomorrow at 2 PM (my daily schedule for the next 6 1/2 weeks) and here is the big question that I need to ask: Did today's "treatment" count as one of the 33 radiations? Or does that countdown start tomorrow? And what about the films done every five treatments? Do those count? If not, this might be pushing back the whole process another week or so and that simply sucks. I wanted to countdown to start today, not tomorrow.

PS: Thanks for the fabulous comments and support from everyone! I definitely needed the good vibes today.

Yuck November 2 Already?

2010-11-02T08:54:00.005-05:00

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. This past weekend was crazy (lots of paper grading, personal errands, and napping). And now here it is -- November 2 -- the day I have NOT been looking forward to!

I promise to update later today after the chemo and the radiation, but so far this day has not started in the right direction. First, I had to get up early to go and vote (which is an important act, I think, for we Americans). But my head was swimming a bit when I read through the ballot and for some reason that started a headache that hasn't gone away yet. Then, I got to my office and had to deal with a million messages and problems with students (OK, maybe not a million) and am discovering that my patience is pretty much non-existent today. In prepping for a research assignment a few minutes ago that I have my ENG 102 students do every semester (the "Dianna Search" assignment -- it tests their abilities to use more than Google when looking for specific information!), I had to double-check some web sites to see if answers have changed ... and I stumbled on my rating from ratemyprofessor.com -- which had some dismal comments posted in relation to me (to be fair, there were some positive ones but the negative comments are all I am "hearing" today). I know that this web site doesn't mean much but it still "stings" to think that someone thinks I am unfair as an instructor.

I have to teach all morning and then run back to St Louis, pick up Jim, and get to the doctor's office by 12:45. And then the minute chemo is over, we have to rush to West County so I can get day #1 of radiation (and then only 32 more sessions to go! And yes, that is sarcasm in my voice!).

I seriously want to go back to bed.

Gearing Up for Radiation

2010-10-28T08:56:00.006-05:00

So here is a textbook definition of the grand adventure that I am about to start: "Radiation therapy involves using a large machine called a linear accelerator to deliver precise amounts of high-energy radiation to kill cancer cells. The radiation stops the reproduction of cancer cells while minimizing damage to healthy tissues. Radiation therapy has been shown to improve survival in women with breast cancer."

Yesterday was my first radiation appointment with Dr B -- yet, another doctor for me! She, of course, is my radiology oncologist! So here is a run-down of what happened yesterday (the was the planning session -- also called simulation):

The drive to radiation therapy is not going to be an easy one. It's over on the west side of 270 which means about 45 minutes to an hour from work and from home. Boo. When we got there yesterday it was sort of a weird feeling because this was supposed to be where I started my treatment post-lumpectomy back in June. Back then, I assumed that I would get the radiation out of the way before the Fall semester even started. But little did I know that I would get a rare infection from the surgery followed by a second lumpectomy and then chemotherapy. So now -- the end of October -- I am finally starting what I should have been finished with by now!

Do you sense a little anger and frustration on my part?? (you should!) I met with Sheri (the nurse I have been working with over the phone) and Dr B -- they explained how the whole radiation treatment will work. I will have 33 sessions (6 1/2 weeks) of coming there everyday. Yep -- you read that right. Everyday Monday - Friday.

During the planning session, Dr B mapped out the right breast area that needs the treatment. She used a special X-ray machine called a simulator (apparently, the process is called simulation because the treatment is being "simulated," or not really given). She told me that it is so important to position the angles of radiation accurately; at one point there were about 10 people in the room (including two male "interns"!) who were all staring at me as I was horizontal on the table looking up. I had to sit very still for about 20 minutes while a "cradle" was made of my upper body and the technicians made temporary marks or "tattoos" on my chest. The cradle part was weird! It was some sort of blue foam spray that was warm -- which was sort of nice since the room was cold and I wasn't wearing a shirt! After the cradle was made, I had to get some sort of CAT scan and then the technician (Dr B was gone by the point) walked me through what will happen once I start coming in everyday (starting next Tuesday, Nov 2).

At one point (before the cradle was made), Sheri, the nurse, walked us (Jim was with me!) back to the actual radiation machine so I could "meet" it. It was way bigger than I expected and I could feel tears welling up immediately. To counter-act that, I joked with the nurse and pretended everything was OK. I think it was just that I expected something "smaller" -- like a hand-held device that someone waved over my breast, not a huge machine that looks like an MRI (the picture at the top is a stock photo of what my radiation machine looks like -- it's not me! Not yet, at least!).

Anyway -- November will be a challenge -- radiation and chemo at the same time (I have two more chemos left).

Grumpy Week

2010-10-26T18:11:00.003-05:00

Though I am feeling a wee bit better this evening, I have been experiencing my fair share of grumpiness as of late. A lot of it boils down to the fact that I have to start radiation next week and (1) this happens everyday so my schedule is about to get crazy with coming and going to the hospital everyday at 3 PM and (2) I am nervous about how this will affect my overall tiredness (which is already lagging). And then to complicate matters, my skin (esp. my face) is just having so many problems with breakouts (right now my neck and upper back). My hair looks better since it got cut to almost nothing but it's thin and doing nothing for me. I can't color my hair right now so I have more gray than I feel comfortable with. Boo.

And it's not just about cancer. We also have grumpiness in terms of this thing I call "work"! I am not sure how this happened, but all of a sudden I find myself mired in deep stacks of student papers. During the conference in Kansas City this past weekend and the first two days of this week, I have worked as diligently as I can to respond and comment on papers (which, for me, takes about 20-30 minutes per essay). Late this afternoon, I finished the last one so I think -- saying this in a whisper -- that I might be FINALLY caught up until Friday (when my ENG 101-ers turn in a stack). Most of the time, I love my job but sometimes I realize how much extra work a person has when one works as an English teacher. Do people realize how much time that teachers (who care) spend commenting and trying to elicit better revisions?! Do my students?!

And then there is the Honors Program that I coordinate at the Sam Wolf Granite City Campus. The conference I went to was all about this program but I walked away from the conference realizing that we need to make some big changes to make our struggling, little program really work. I have a meeting with my dean on Thursday afternoon and I don't think this meeting is going to go well. I need to be able to offer students something that will entice them to join and stay in the program (i.e. tuition break). I know this is like asking for a pie in the sky but I am tired of trying to coordinate a "dying" program. So ... we will see what happens.

See! Told you all that I was grumpy! :D

NCHC Conference

2010-10-22T18:30:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the delay in posting -- Since Wednesday night, I have been in Kansas City, MO, for the National Collegiate Honors Council Conference (NCHC). I gave a presentation on the honors program I coordinate for SWIC earlier today -- and I think it went really well! (I titled it "A Van Down By the River: Reviving a Community College Honors Program"). The best thing about these academic conferences is that you walk away with all these great ideas that you want to implement as soon as possible! Personally, I would say that our honors program is struggling, mostly because I just don't have the time to properly make sure that our program is vital and strong. To make it work, I know that I will have to approach my Dean (again) and try to argue for more release time (again). Honors is such a great program that helps to recruit and retain students -- but to do it right there are so many things that I just can't get to on the limited release time that I have (and this has gotten even more difficult with the tiredness from the breast cancer treatments). And I suspect that the whole asking for more release time is a political issue and I won't get very far. But, if SWIC wants to truly be behind this program, we need to make some BIG changes to how we organize and run the program.

And so for the last few days my head has been wrapped around the honors program. Also -- I feel a little lucky that I have had a few days away from SWIC because I am spending my evenings (and the gaps between conference sessions) catching up on essay grading. And there is a lot to be done! Somehow I accidentally set up conferences for my ENG 102 (research writing) students to conference with me this Monday and Wednesday ... which means I need to make sure that I have 50 odd research papers graded by the end of the weekend (I just got them on Wed).

Back to St Louis tomorrow. I really miss Jim.

Thanks Laurie and Rachel! :D

2010-10-19T12:59:00.004-05:00

I only have just a minute -- crazy day! We got back into St Louis late last night and then I was here at my office at SWIC by 6:30 AM, drowning in student papers and assorted paperwork. Most importantly, I need to get my presentation done for the NCHC Honors Conference on Friday (I'm presenting so it would probably be a good idea to get something together NOW!). Since I am leaving for the conference tomorrow afternoon (it's in Kansas City), I have about a million things to do before I leave. So I am literally packing my suitcase again tonight!

BUT note the picture above -- I came home from a stressful day traveling back from San Francisco to find two gifts from the wonderful people who are my "chemo angels"! Laurie, the most talented artist I know, painted a fantastically cool watercolor study of a Bird of Paradise from her garden. Isn't the picture amazing? I will need to go frame shopping once again but this time her print will stay in my office here at work! Two students have already asked me about it!

And the mug is from wonderful Rachel who found this quotable mug with the most inspiring words on it: "May the sun bring you new energy by day, May the moon softly restore you by night, May the rain wash away your worries, May the breeze blow new strength into your being, May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life" (Apache Blessing). Nice thoughts to consider as I sip through the many cups of tea I have even before even 10 AM!

I can't articulate in words how much these gifts mean to me! Thanks to you both soooooooo much! Every kind word makes me think that we are all kicking chemo (and cancer!)to the curb!

Nike Women's Marathon

2010-10-17T21:07:00.004-05:00

Well, the picture to your left should prove that I am alive and well! The Nike Women's Marathon 2010 is officially over!

I'm not going to say that it wasn't tough. By mile 12 or so my quads were sore and not having fun. That happens in every marathon I have run but it usually happens sometime around mile 20. So along with the quad issues, the first part was crowded and hard to run but once the half marathoners left the course (and, yes, I was very temped to stop at that point!) things on the course got easier though both my quads and my lower back kept reminding me that they were finished with this whole marathon project! It was also around the halfway point that the rain started to get harder. Fun times.

But the very best part (besides the cool necklace I collected at the end from Tiffany's!) was the beach. Miles of beautiful beach that I absolutely loved! (I even took of my headphones for those parts!). My time ended up being something like 5 hours and 30 minutes, a far cry from my personal best of close to 4 hours. But given what my body has been through the last 5 months and the fact that I am a chemo patient, I think that time was pretty darn good (I was actually aiming for 6 hours).

And the picture above shows the fabulous crab dinner that my wonderful husband made happen! (I'm pretty sore!). A glass of wine would have made the meal better but that will have to wait until post-chemo!

Thanks to everyone for sending me words of encouragement! I thought about all my blessing while I ran that 26.2 miles! :D

PS: No intenstinal issues at all! Yipeee!

Running in San Francisco!

2010-10-16T21:55:00.002-05:00

So Jim and I arrived in San Francisco last night and spent the day doing the following: eating fresh crab and clam chowder, attending the expo at the Nike Women's Marathon, eating yummy Irish food, shopping at Nike Town and Eddie Bauer, eating fresh sushi, and doing a little sight seeing! (we did a lot of eating -- I love fresh fish more than anything on this planet!) Though I started the day with a little bit of that stomach issue I have been having, I think I am ending it on a more positive note (the sushi we had a little while ago has had no affect on my tummy, expect for the feeling that I ate way too much!). I was afraid that this intestinal issue (a chemo outcome for the last two treatments) would seriously affect my ability to run 26.2 miles. However, I am thinking that this might not get in the way too much (cross your fingers!). I am not saying that my stomach is 100% but it definitely feels better that the last two days. I still have a slight headache that has been in the background for the last few days but it's manageable at this point.

The race starts tomorrow morning at 7 AM (our fabulous cute boutique hotel is just one block away!). The course remains open for 6 and a half hours. I usually run a marathon in just over 4 hours but I have never done anything like this, obviously, while on chemo. I think if I just start slow and stay slow, I should be OK. I will try and just relax and enjoy the fabulous scenery that I know this city offers (I completed the actual San Francisco Marathon in 2006). I really, really, really, really want to see that near-naked firefighter with that Tiffany's necklace in his hand. Wish me luck!

Wow ... it's Thursday already?

2010-10-14T12:55:00.002-05:00

I am writing this (quick!) post after coming back from one of my literature classes in which I had to leave in the middle of a class discussion because .... lower-end-of-the-body issues! This has happened twice in the past two days and it absolutely sucks (chemo-related? Not sure). This is what happens: I will be teaching class and then I feel what I think is a hot flash which just comes up (seemingly out of nowhere) and demands immediate attention. As in now. Not gonna wait. Need bathroom fast. Yesterday's event was definitely just the lower end but the one today was both ends at the same time. And as I started typing this a few minutes ago, another lower end excursion to the bathroom was needed. Even as typing this, my stomach is growling (rumbling!) but I am afraid to eat anything other than some saltine crackers!

So this makes me so nervous about this weekend -- we leave for San Francisco tomorrow afternoon and I run the marathon on Sunday morning. I am determined to complete this race but it's going to be a lot harder with darn intestinal-like issues.

Yesterday I talked with my new oncologist, Dr B, who will be in charge of my radiation treatments (I still see Dr L for my chemo, though). Starting with my next chemo on Nov 2 (#5 out of the total of 6!), I will be getting radiation at 3 PM everyday for 6 weeks. Boo. Six weeks seems like a long time! And then I have one more surgery on Dec 20 -- by then I should be finished with both chemo and radiation.

And what then?!?! Jim and I just rented a beach cottage down by Mobile, AL, for the first week of January -- to celebrate the end of breast cancer and the end of seeing doctors so much! Click here to see our cottage!

2010-10-11T17:31:00.002-05:00

Chemo Lesson #432: Energy spent = no energy later!

I finished the triathlon yesterday morning feeling pretty "spent." The entire race was 500 yards swimming, 9 miles on a spin bike, and 3.1 miles on a treadmill. As usual, the swimming was the hardest for me but I did better than the fifteen minutes I was hoping for. I actually finished in 12:08. I then ran to the spin bike -- which I ended up hating! The bike was nothing like the spin bikes I am used to using and it sorta made my a** hurt! So I went as fast as I could just so I could get off -- 17:07. I was looking forward to the run the most but the first mile or so was painful. I managed to finish in 28:36, about 3-4 minutes behind my usual pace. Luckily, my ultra-cool cousin-in-law Sarah hang out after she finished and cheered me on. I had to sit for a few minutes after finishing, though, because I was truly 100% tired. (Click here for the link to the official standings! I ended up 14 out of 36 people or so!).

And the afternoon showed me exactly how tired I was. Mid-afternoon, I tagged along with Jim when he went to the zoo but I felt like an old lady. He had rented this new lens that he wanted to "play" with and I vegged on any sitting surface I could find. I really struggled to stay conscious (and I was trying hard not to let Jim see how much I was struggling). It didn't help that it was a warm October afternoon and the sun was just making me feel even worse. But I did manage to suck on a cherry snow cone which made me happy (but for some reason instigated 2-3 mouth sores).

Anyway -- I don't think I have still quite managed to bounce back 100% (really making me nervous about this weekend's marathon). It didn't help that I had one of those HARD teaching days today where nothing seems to quite work out (I was even a bit short with a student). I have about a million things to do but no energy at all. So back to the couch I go! :D

Busy Weekend!

2010-10-10T06:52:00.002-05:00

So far I am doing OK with the side effects of chemo #4. I have tried to be more pro-active this time by taking the anti-nausea pills BEFORE I start feeling sick ... and I think that has, in fact, helped. My stomach is "jumpy" just like last time -- not sure what is going on there but I am starting to get annoyed! Yesterday was a pretty busy day (i.e. volunteering at the clinic, worked in my office, trivia night at the college) but I only have one thing to do today -- a mini-triathlon!

This shouldn't be a big deal at all because it's only like 30% of the bigger triathlon I did a few weeks back BUT my stomach is killing me right now (and I have to be there in an hour or so from now!). The one good aspect is that this takes place inside (all three events) and so I can stop pretty easily if I decide that I can't do this. But I want to at least try since I had already signed up for it.

But this will be the last physical "test" before we leave for San Francisco on Friday afternoon. The Nike Women's Marathon is next Sunday. I hope that I will be able to hobble across the finish line under the course deadline of six and a half hours! :D

But today -- a mini triathlon!

2010-10-07T20:11:00.003-05:00

Today was a difficult day. I have been running behind on so many things this week (paper grading, projects, dissertation stuff, housekeeking tasks, etc) that today I woke up a bit crabby, mostly because I knew I had a busy day ahead of me and no time to go to the gym. I dropped Stella off at Doggie Day Care before leaving downtown at 7 AM, followed by a speedy journey to SWIC and then I tried to get as much done as I could before my 9:30 literature class.

And it turned out to be one of those days that I can't make ANY students happy. The folks in this class are reading Adiga's The White Tiger -- a fabulous Indian novel -- and I can't believe how much they hate it! (the students last semester loved it!). I won't go into all the details but I have to use so much of my limited energy reserves to get them to pay any attention and it just sucks. Seriously, students. Give me a break! Give the book a chance and you might like it!

I had chemo at 2:30 PM which was not fun (not that it's supposed to be). I was grumpy because this was #4 and I wanted it to be #5 or #6 (I have to do 6 all together). I also have this weird "lump" above my breast and my oncologist couldn't look at it because she is out of town. I am sure it's nothing but it's just one more thing for me to worry about.

After chemo, I am now grading a huge stack of papers that I just have to get back to students by tomorrow so they can start working on the next part of their research projects (they need this assignment back to complete the next part of the puzzle). So I have to sit here at the kitchen table and just drink a ton of tea to keep my energy reserves up when I would much rather crawl in bed.

But you know what made my day! I posted two pictures on today's blog -- my good friend Jean sent me the BEST calendar EVER since 2011 is going to be MY year! (and this calendar is going to give me all sorts of new ideas of things to read! Thanks, Jean! I love it!). And check out the fabulous painting by my new friend Laurie! I can finally say that I own a real piece of art! I can't wait to find a frame for it! I am going to put it just above my desk so it will relax me everytime I look at it! (Thanks, Laurie, you seriously are the MOST talented person ever!)

Top 10 Things I Have Learned Since Being Diagnosed with Breast Cancer!

2010-10-05T21:08:00.004-05:00

**** I am stealing a big part of this list from Ann, the wonderful writer behind the breast cancer blog, "Breast Cancer? But Doctor I Hate Pink." Click here to go directly to her fabulous blog!

1. You will no longer by shy about exposing your chest. If a doctor asks you to undress, you will, right in front of him/ her, no gown necessary.

2. Chemo-brain is real. You will start boiling water for dinner, go to the pantry to get a package of pasta, forget what you wanted to get, think of something to look up and only when water boils over the pot will you remember what you were originally doing. This behavior is not confined to the home. My office is a mess, with handwritten notes everywhere, saying things like "office hours on Wed" and "pizza on Friday" and "call doctor." If I don't write something down immediately, it's gone forever.

3. Your body loses all its ability to control temperature. You learn to dress in layers and are chronically taking off sweaters and putting them back on. You'll have a heater and a fan on your desk and alternate using them all day long (esp. when you work in my building which has fluctuating AC and heat to start with).

4. You will think everybody who is bald or has very short hair just finished chemo.

5. At some point, you'll get a headache, or sleep wrong and get a stiff neck, or feel a strange ache. You no longer will ignore it, thinking it's one of those things. Your first thought will be "has cancer spread to my brain? is it in my bones?" This will even happen if you skin your shin or stub your toe or get the flu. All pains lead to cancer.

6. You will understand the concept of "tired" in a way you never thought possible. I never thought that going to bed at 8 PM would feel so normal.

7. You will think about your health (i.e. cancer) a lot. And I mean a lot. Combine every thought I ever had about my life pre-diagnosis and it's still not even close.

8. You will no longer worry about getting old.

9. Even though you might be against taking drugs, you will learn to appreciate the power behind an anti-nausea pill. And you will even start carrying them with you all the time.

10. You will take the month of October personally.

Of course, this list doesn't stay the one big thing I have learned -- I have fabulous friends and co-workers and a breast cancer diagnosis is a sucky way of really, truly understanding that. :D

It's Official!

2010-10-05T06:09:00.003-05:00

I finally received my signed copy of Jonathan Franzen's new book, Freedom, in the mail today. As many of you might know, he is a local lad (from Webster Groves, I think) and is most well-known for his "argument" with Oprah Winfrey over the use of his previous novel The Corrections as one of her book club picks a few years back. I read The Corrections -- it was okay but I hated the last 50 pages or so. I think Franzen is a little full of himself (based on interviews I have seen with him) but I just had to read this new novel since it has been touted as "The Best Book of the Century." Pretty amazing when you think we are only 10 years in on this century (read a bit of sarcasm in my response here). Anyhoo -- I read about 20 pages last night before I fell asleep (at something like 8:45 PM!). So far, it's sorta interesting. This book obviously has nothing to do with either school or dissertation but I feel an overwhelming need to read it. More later! :D

Tired Girl

2010-10-04T15:54:00.003-05:00

So what has Dianna learned in the last week?

Full exertions for a few days in a row = one tired Dissertation Girl.

I had a busy weekend -- Jim and I spent a few hours at Grants Farm on Saturday and I ran a half-marathon with friends on Sunday. But sandwiched between these two events were grading papers, cleaning up the house, running errands, etc. So for me, the usual. But I am finding "the usual" just makes me so tired. I definitely had some problems this morning while teaching class. I teach three classes back to back and I was exhausted by the time I go to class #3. I then had a meeting (which seemed so long!) and finally crawled home where I fell asleep for about an hour. I think I would have slept longer but when I woke for a moment, my mind was racing with all the things I needed to do for tomorrow (i.e. grade a few more papers, catch up on the reading for my two lit classes, respond to student email, etc).

So the word of the day is "tired."

A Shout Out to Laurie!

2010-09-29T20:34:00.003-05:00

So how cool is the wine bag that you see sitting on our shelves above our kitchen sink?! Even though Laurie gave this to me to use as a wine bottle gift bag, I am giving it to myself! I am astounded that someone can make something so beautiful out of her own two hands! And is there no better word to use with a great bottle of wine than "YUM"?!?! Recently, any drinking has made me feel sick so I am going to lay off on any wine drinking until the end of chemo (3 more treatments to go!) and Laurie's kind gift to me today will sit there, in the middle of our kitchen, reminding me that there will be life when this whole ordeal is finished! (Thanks, Laurie! You are so talented!)

One other event to report from today -- I had my hair cut pretty short which is weird for me (though I have been going shorter and shorter ever since the cancer diagnosis). But the damage from the chemo drugs (and the thinning) was wreaking havoc on my hair and Braxton (hair goddess!) was able to find a style that would make the most of what I have (left). I don't think I am going to lose any more hair (wishful thinking on my part?) but I can't wait to get back at least my shoulder-length hair!

So there are my two future goals -- a glass of wine and longer hair! :D

2010-09-28T09:05:00.004-05:00

A few pictures from the triathlon on Sunday taken by the Fleet Feet Racing folks (I'm a team member; hence, the shirt you see me wearing!). I aways hate pictures of myself so I am not super excited about posting these ... my hair is a mess nowadays (and, yes, I know I was doing a sporting event at the time so messed up hair is par for the course!), my skin is going crazy with these darn chemo pimples, and I feel overall bloated and unhappy in my skin. But with that said -- enjoy the pictures!

I Tri-ed My Best! (OK, that was pretty lame, I know!)

2010-09-26T19:42:00.006-05:00

I still feel almost "giddy" that I successfully completed my first "real" triathlon this morning! I was hoping to finish before 3 hours -- and I did. Click here for the official results page (I am in the 40-44 year old woman group and my last name is listed as "Rockwell-Shank") I did the 500 meter swim in 18:02, the 20 mile bike ride in 1:28:48, and the 4.4 mile run in 47:48. My combined time was 2:34:41. So I made the under three hour mark with some change to spare! Here is a basic run-down of what happened! (PS: No rain during the race but it rained on my drive out and my drive back! Crazy!)

THE SWIM: I just about s*** when I saw the pool. It was Olympic-size (from what I was told) which means it was 50 meters across each way. The other pools I used for the indoor "mini" triathons were a lot smaller and they had a shallow end so at some point I could put my feet down on firm ground. Not the pool today -- there was no shallow end and did I mention it was 50 meters long?? I can swim but (1) I wouldn't call myself a strong swimmer, (2) I never get to practice swimming since I have no access to a pool and (3) I'm a little bit afraid of swimming in the deep end. I got to the Rex-Plex early (or at least what I thought was early) and after finding a spot for my bike and equipment outside (not easy to do because the bike corral was already pretty crowded), I went into the pool area and watched the action for about 30 minutes. For the other two triathlons, I was assigned a swimming lane and went back and forth for however many laps I was supposed to complete. For today's race, folks would get in on one corner of the pool every 15 seconds and then start swimming. Once you got to the end of the first 50 meters, you would duck under the floating rope and swim in the next lane. And this happened 10 times. At one point, I looked down in the pool and saw how deep it was and freaked out a little so I swam mostly with my head above water (or doing some uncoordinated version of a back stroke). Each time I made it the end of the lane, I had to take at least a 30 second break while I hung on to the edge of the pool. So plenty of people passed me. If you look at my official time, you will even see that I was the last person in my age group out of the pool. But I made it. I can't begin to tell you how happy I was during that last 50 meters. Pure bliss!

THE BIKE: I left the water as fast as I could and ran outside in the chilly wind (about 50 degrees or so) and made for my bike. I tried to pull on my biking skirt and jersey as fast as I could but it's almost comical when you are soaking wet. I got my shoes on pretty fast but almost left the area without my helmet. I grabbed that at the last moment and then jogged my bike over to the departure area for bikes. Luckily, the guy in charge was someone I knew and we chatted for a minute about the swim and I remember telling him the worst was over. Well ... that wasn't exactly how it turned out but more about that later! The bike ride was actually the easiest for me -- it was about 20 miles out on country roads around St. Peter's but the strong wind made one direction of the course a tad bit difficult. Considering the fact that I was riding a mountain bike (it's all I have right now), I think I did pretty darn well. I passed three women and one man and rode as hard as I could. For most of the course, I was by myself; I think the bikers were pretty spread out by the time I hit the course. So, like I said, no problems. Sure, there was wind and there were hills but nothing I couldn't manage.

THE RUN: And this is about the time went things went bad. Real bad. I hopped off my bike in the transition area and traded my helmet for a running hat and I also grabbed one of my water bottles but decided not to take my MP3 player. I wasn't sure about the running course and I don't like using music when I am on city streets. Well, the course turned out to be gorgeous -- a wooded path that meandered through some quiet subdivisions (glad I didn't bring the tunes!). But the problem is that once I started the running portion of the triathlon, moments after ditching my bike, I couldn't feel my feet 100%. And my legs would not cooperate with me. I usually run with a pace -- a steady repetition that feels good. Not today. The first two miles or so were awful. I kept stopping and starting because I couldn't get my feet and legs to cooperate with what I wanted to do. At one point, I could feel the tears welling up. So I decided, F*** it. I'll just walk/ crawl the 4.4 miles. What the hell. But after two miles or so, things started to go better. I could feel my feet and I started running at a comfortable pace (I even passed 5 people). Sure, it wasn't as fast as I usually go, but I don't usually run after doing a 500 meter swim and a 20 mile bike ride.

The finish line was a bit anti-climatic. I went around a corner and boom! There it was. I knew I had finished toward the back because folks were already breaking down the finish area and most of the bikes in the corral were gone. But I was beaming -- even if there weren't that many people around to see it.

I feel lucky that I wasn't having a bad chemo day today -- I think I am generally more winded than what is normal for Dianna but the fact that I could do this given all the cancer crap is something to be proud of, I think. I so look forward to doing this next year when I am 100% healthy. And if I can manage to do a few more of these, maybe I can get a new bike that will help me go a bit faster (biking seems to my strongest card right now; Even Jim says that he thinks I am good at this -- must be those strong leg muscles from running!).

PS: Jim took the picture above when I walked in the door -- I came home to a fabulously clean house (thanks, Jim!) and an excited pup!

Keep Your Fingers Crossed!

2010-09-25T20:08:00.004-05:00

So the forecast here in St Louis tomorrow is not as nice as I would like it to be! For the last few days we have had some cooler temps (with lower humidity!) but now the forecast is showing some light showers on and off tomorrow.

Why am I obsessed with checking the weather every few minutes? Tomorrow ... [drum roll to be inserted here] ... I am going to do my first "real" triathlon. I completed two indoor triathlons earlier this year (pre-Breast Cancer) and I had a blast (I even placed in one of them!) but both were completely inside -- a pool, an exercise bike, and a treadmill. The one tomorrow is at the St Peter's Rex Plex (over in St Charles County for you local folks) and is mostly outside. The swimming portion (5oo meters) is in the pool but the 21 mile biking and the 5 mile running are outside. I know I need to be extra-careful about getting sick when on chemo but I really, really, really want to do this event even though I am really, really, really nervous! I don't even care if I am the last person on the course. I just want to finish! (and I am still a little sore from the 13 miles of running I did yesterday; I am not usually that sore but I was exhausted when I finished the run).

So, please, keep your fingers crossed for me! :D
PS: That's not me in the above picture but I am seriously thinking about adding a tatt sort of like this someday!

Yes, I am Alive!

2010-09-22T21:56:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note -- this has been an insane week. This last post-chemo was probably the toughest so far (which I guess makes sense). I was fine on Thursday night and even Friday but we went out to dinner with a group of friends on Friday night .. and some bad stuff happened. We went to Mango (the best Peruvian food here in downtown St Louis) and I was loving dinner as I ate it but somewhere along the line I could feel cramps and then, boom. I needed a bathroom and I needed it fast! I felt better afterwards but the same thing happened on both Saturday and Sunday almost everytime I tried to eat something. And my appetite is defintely just not there (seems like my hair is shedding more now, too; seriously thinking about cutting my hair super short).

Yesterday (Tues) was the closest I felt to feeling normal. Appetite is still lacking a little but I am back at the gym. I wasn't able to do the biathlon I had signed up for this past Sunday (Jim thought it was a bad idea for me to run in the rain storm we were experiencing) but I am hoping to FINISH the triathlon I will be doing this Sunday. This will be my first outside triathlon (swimming is in a pool but the biking and the running are both outside). The goal is just to finish and maybe have some fun along the way (and hopefully, no cramping!).

Today -- lots of teaching, conferencing with students, and cleaning up the Honors classroom (if you have seen our trailer, you will understand why this took me hours and felt like a hard gym workout). I also had my weekly Japanese language class, followed by a Tempura cooking class (long story). And now I am exhausted. So I have to stumble off to bed -- night!

Chemo #3

2010-09-16T21:17:00.006-05:00

So the title of this entry says it all -- today I experienced my third CMF chemo treatment. I am getting experienced with this enough now to know that the steroids are making me feel OK right now -- but that will probably change by tomorrow or Saturday. But I am hoping that things continue to go as well as they have in the past. Before the treatment today, Jim and I met with Dr L, the oncologist, and she said that I am, indeed, experiencing hot flashes (whoopee!) and the tiredness is pretty much par for the course. She noticed that my hair is a bit "limper" which makes me feel good and that I am not just being paranoid. I also got copies of my pathology reports and Onctotype DX testing so I can keep this stuff for my records (seems sort of odd that I didn't get a copy of this important paperwork in the first place, I think).

I also went to my group therapy session for cancer patients which is two hours every Thursday night (on the other side of 270!). This was my third week and I think, if I am honest with myself, that it's a useful thing to be doing. Yes, I hate the time out of my schedule (and I am so tired!) but I feel like right now I am heading in a direction that is not healthy and I want to head that off before things get any worse than they are. Someone in the group once said that for every physical thing that happens to you (i.e. diagnosis, surgery, radiation, chemo, etc), there is an emotional parallel that is equally important to acknowledge and work through. This is the "stuff" that I think I need to wrap my head around. I guess it's just that I am afraid of "letting loose" too much -- I can barely talk wihout crying so I know there is a bunch of crap pent up behind some walls that if they break might be harder to reconstruct. I probably need to do something even more intensive but this is at least a start.

The two cats above are Bailey (11 years old; part Maine Coon) and Zora (13 years old; calico). I've had these two long before I even met Jim. Well, Zora has been acting funny lately (cries endlessly and drinks tons of water -- pretty much obsessed with the water bowl) so we took her to our new vet downtown (a block or so away) but neither of us were happy with the care 100% (i.e. smelly office). Anyway -- we took Zora to the Humane Society on Monday and paid -- again! -- for blood work and finally we have an answer to the obsessive water drinking and the almost endless crying during the night (which is getting hard for me to deal with). She apparently has a hyper thyroid. They think. The other possibility, if the thyroid medicine doesn't work, is that she might have some sort of brain illness. As you can imagine, I am hoping that the thyroid medicaiton kicks in and she goes back to normal.

Tired, Tired, Tired

2010-09-14T19:04:00.002-05:00

So what's my "new normal"? Tired. It's hard to describe exactly how I feel but it sorta resembles the "I have been at an all-night party and haven't had a chance to take a shower" kind of feeling. Or at least that is as close as I can get. And the weird thing is that I can't exactly say WHEN this feeling started. When I first started chemo, everyone kept saying you will feel tired. But at first I didn't. Everything felt pretty normal except the two days or so after chemo. But then things changed. And I think I am noticing it the most now, the last week or so.

I have figured out that mornings are the best. I can get up at 5 AM and work out at the gym downstairs even though I am definitely noticing a change in my stanima. That winded feeling comes just a little quicker than it used to. I am OK most of the morning teaching but by about 11 AM, I can feel the tired "creeping" over my body (for you literary types, I haven't been able to get the filmed version of Charlotte Perkins Gilman's short story "The Yellow Wallpaper" out of my mind!). And the strange thing is that is hits me so suddenly. I will be chatting with a student and then "wham"! There it is. And it doesn't go away. I manage to get through the afternoons but I feel like I am on battery power and I am trying to make it to my bed before those batteries die.

This whole physical feeling is hard for me to talk about. I've always been such a physical person that I am amazed (in a bad way) that my body is doing this to me. To top it off, the chemo I am on is "lighter" than the chemo a lot of other folks get. Am I just a complete and total whimp?? Does my body not get the word "cooperation"?

So in a nutshell, I just feel sad right now. Sad that my body is not working with me a bit more and sad that this whole process won't be finished until the end of the year. And what do I have to look forward to?? A damn hysterectomy. I am honestly so done with doctors and hospitals. And why is it that you start noticing more pregnant people when you know that this is an option no longer available to you? What is up with that? OK .... whine fest finished for the night. But I reserve the right to start anew tomorrow!

In dissertation news, a pal from grad school (Brandi) and I decided to push each other to write. I sent her some pages of something I wrote last weekend and she sent me the most thoughtful comments (and I now need to do the same for her!). I need to get this dissertation DONE. I think that what I am doing is important but for some reason I feel stalled and uninspired. I'd like to blame it on the breast cancer, but I was feeling this way before the diagnosis. But Brandi's comments have jump started me a little! (and thanks to Dr M for giving me the idea to write in small bursts -- more fun to do with Brandi by my side!).

2010-09-12T21:33:00.003-05:00

One of my most favorite music "moments" on film -- if you haven't seen the Laya Project, it is an amazing documentary about the lives and music culture of coastal and surrounding communities in the 2004 tsunami-affected regions of Sri Lanka, Thailand, Indonesia, Maldives, Myanmar and India. I first saw the film while staying at an organic farm in Northern India in 2008. As soon as I came back to the States, I bought the soundtrack -- and the film. The music is simply beautiful.